Attracting the energy of the mood I’m in
Leads to confusion during disparate times
Between outright positive and subtly negative phases.
Feeling sorry for myself;
Links me to people who will feel sorry for me
And yet that is not what I really need.
Empathy and sympathy are part of care
There are other energies that benefit me more;
Positive understanding, with hope and optimism,
Will shift perspective to my benefit.
Munch munch munch. Feed the hungry body that craves something passing for sustenance. Shove the food in with purpose to satisfy desire. There is no pausing to appreciate the moment, nor to savour the experience, only a need to fill. A need to fill the body to pass off the soul as satisfied.
And it doesn’t. Hollowness and emptiness sit hand in hand during this indulgence laid bare through its lack of mindfulness.
There are lessons here. And I vaguely sense their outline. But I’m too tired to make any sense from them. Too tired of feeding this ever hungriness that sits within me.
The Ego is never satisfied. It only ever wants the attention, wants to win, wants to be the focus and the purpose. It wants and wants and wants.
So I will acknowledge that part of me for what it is. I will calmly turn my attention away from the brash forcefulness, towards the quiet part of me. The part that will accept all that I have, will accept all that there is around me and within me right now. The way that feeds my soul in a more lasting manner.
And I may sit here in the quiet for a while. But most likely I will just fall asleep and dream of days without confusion. Dream of straight forward days where clear communication begets an inner calm to all around me.
[ My diary tells me yesterday was the fifth anniversary of starting this blog. I’m unsure these days whether that date was when I setup and posted my first story/poem, or if it is the date of my first (backdated) entry. Either way, I glance back and see five years of change, of growth. I am forever greatful to my friend H.C. who encouraged me to start this, and to the incredibly creative community who have supported me the whole journey so far. ]
My desires feed a deep place inside
Not dark, for this shall be revealed with those who choose to ask, those who choose the closeness
Hunger grows and searches for equally matched desire
There is no boundary between physical and mental intimacy
I simply crave the deepest sharing and connection
And the decision to partake is valid only for the space the energy occupies
While relationships constantly change, acknowledgement and respect remain the vanguard of this new reality
My responsibility is to be better than we’ve ever been before
To set an example of the best a human can be
Deciding on true equality, true out-in-the-open honesty and integrity
This is to what I give my consent.
[ inspired by the words of Laurie Penny. ]
This disconnect I feel
Between body and mind
Between where I want to be and currently exist
This is neither fault, brokenness, nor mistake
This is today’s journey
Through whatever my health brings
Through whatever my body can manage
Through whatever my mind unearths
And at least my mind is temperable
I can shift my perspective
Choose how to think and how to feel.
Today my writing is non-specific
Today I steer clear of painful emotions
Choosing not to amplify them with attention
Right now I choose my path for today
Revelling in the opportunity to do so
Today clarity is my friend
Today all pain is fleeting
As I maintain this precious vessel
This body and mind.
[ 3 October 2017 ]
Feeling guilt over the validity of my pain
Comparing my childhood story with yours
Yet I know this is no competition
And we each bear our own challenges
We each learn in our own ways
Why does comparison even come into it?
How do we accept this and grow?
Wanting life to be right and just, does not make it so
All we can do is live our own integrity