Stepping Backwards.

The required effort to
Externalise the internal
Share, as isolation rebuttal
Reveal the darkness
Expose lies and truths
All of this drains
Scarce resources
All of this, necessary
The battle for survival
Begins deep inside
Striving for my own life
Sharing for other’s benefit
Hoping for collective strength
Believing that surviving
will be embraced by us all.

I Need Someone to Listen.

I need to speak
Even if no one seems to listen
I need to find my voice
When I don’t know what to say.

My story may be worn,
tattered, messy, and bruised
But it is the only one I have
Even if it doesn’t make sense
Even if it feels all too much.

I need to know I matter
I need to know that my heart,
my voice, my life matters
I need to know I have value
I need to know that I have purpose,
when it’s impossible to see.

I will embrace this
Rough edges and all.

All I have to do is begin to speak.

===

[ When I have fallen and can’t call for help, sometimes another spirit speaks for me. Based on words by Lexi Behrndt #oncomingalive ]

It’s Something Like This.

IMG_4831

I’m scared.
No actually, I’m terrified.
What if this is it?
What if my life is going to be – this complicated struggle – through the foreseeable future?
I see all the negatives so clearly.
I pass by the positive aspects of my life with a mere glance and they are forgotten. Overshadowed and overwhelmed by the crushing defeat of my failures.

Everyday life, is not.

Living mostly involves managing a small portion of what I used to be able to achieve.
Unknown ill health, exhaustion, reactions to food.

And the deteriorated mental state.

Medication seems to take an edge off the depression.
Leaving a space filling with – all this other negative emotional/physical/mental detritus.
Just finding the energy to get by, to deal with ALL OF THIS, leaves so little spare for love.
For others, and, ultimately for myself.

So as I contemplate another week of juggling energy – for work, to live – for myself, to keep going – and just maybe, something left for others – I feel … I feel too much.
I feel overwhelmed and unequipped.
I feel lost in the swirl of a life where people make demands of me everyday.
And more than anyone else, I make demands of me.
Urgings that sit uncomfortably with a body that seems to require the opposite.

Some days, making personal decisions feels like deciding the fate of the world.
Some days I just need to take time out, to find myself, to find that core of me around which I balance, and build outwards from there.

(15 March 2016)

Helpless And Upset.

Today
From the moment I awakened
My thoughts turned on me
Pummelling and belittling me
And I was helpless to defend myself
My body crashed
As my spirit was crushed

Tonight
I feel terrible for having
So many days where
I just can’t function
Because I know
The pressure that it puts
On both myself and my wife
On life.

(9:26 pm)

Disturbing Awakening.

An awareness reveals itself now
Every day I put myself down
Tiny negative thoughts
Creep in even as ideas form
Denying my abilities
Subtly and consistently
Shutting down creativeness
With fear and criticism

My heart cries out in pain
At this realisation
Of damage done
Of stifled expression
Feeling helpless to change
This situation
Or myself

(10:23 am)

A Quiet Conversation in my Head.

So tired of hurting
So deep inside where I can’t reach
But what if I could?
Would I just try to
smash away the pain
smother it with anger?
Where is the love
the compassion?
Kindness seems so far away
Out of range.
And so follow my angry thoughts
Ending it will be my only relief
But rational mind says
“That only transfers the pain to others”
“You need to deal with this”
“Learn to negate its influence”
“To save those around you”
“And to save yourself”

Community. (Reblog)

Right here
Are people that understand
Realising past mistakes and changing
Is enough
You were never meant to suffer
The struggle is not deserved
It is just there for now
Hold on
We are patient

Sidereal Catalyst

I am aching to belong… to something …or somewhere, with like-minded, like-hearted souls.

People who get it, without tired explanations and long-winded discussions trying to impart understanding.

People who lift you up because that’s their magic, and they don’t judge and they’re not made uncomfortable by your difficult emotions.

People who don’t make it feel like an inconvenience, they are delighted to chat, be it happy or sad in topic.  I think some people call these types of relationships friends but I’m wary of such titles.  I fear I’ve failed at holding that title myself, and thus karma has given me what I’ve deserved in return.

I ache for a sense of community.

Are you out there somewhere, community?  Just waiting for me to poke my head in and say hi…

I’ve lost my way, I think my GPS is wrong or something.

SOS

{A}

View original post

When You Close Your Eyes Before Screaming.

The emptiness hit me tonight
While out at the weekly markets shop
It wasn’t exhaustion, like other times
It wasn’t darkness or depression, like other times
It wasn’t grief or sadness, like other times
It was a sudden stopping of the energy
and enthusiasm
that I had carried for the past 2 days.

The emptiness hurt tonight, because
Suddenly I wasn’t the me that I like to be
The me that engages with others
That brings and shares energy
That creates the life he wants
The me that is victorious.

Suddenly I was the helpless
the defeated, unworthy, guilty,
ashamed me
Lost and helpless, to the whim
of some unknown action.

I focussed on positives, grasping for a lifeline
I stopped and breathed, grasping for peace
I tried to let go of it all, grasping for anything else
But still resisting the present
Still resenting this present.

And feeling that none of this was “working”
(that is, none of my efforts were changing the situation)
I cried out in my head
I closed my eyes and breathed and said
“This is not me.”
“This is not me.”

And just maybe there was something
In that release of control
In that pleading for release
That shifted the angst
That unstuck me just enough
To take a little step forward
Just one step away from that place
Towards tomorrow
Towards whatever may come my way.

Life is moments
Some we want to last forever
Some, we would rather forget
But, whatever the reason, whatever the feeling
I think that we have a hand in the outcome
I think that we have some say in our future
I think that maybe we are more in charge
than we realise, a lot of the time.

.
===
.

[ I had forgotten that this week started roughly for me. Monday morning I was feeling vulnerable and lost. With some support at the start of the week, I pushed through the days, focussing on whatever positives I could find. I had forgotten that it takes energy to push through all that I did. I had forgotten that being energetic and sharing that energy with others can be draining sometimes. So maybe all of that contributed to what happened tonight. Maybe I just want there to be a reason, whether in my control or out of it. Because I don’t want to know that this could just happen anytime, for no apparent reason. ]

20150710-222524.jpg

I Found You Covered in Ash. 

For others
For yourself
What is important in your life?
Striving to be something
Someone
That matters to others
Craving acceptance from others.
Who do you think you are?
What do I think?
You thoughts are in a strange place.
This darkness
Mere ash on your skin
From the fires of uncertainty
Scorching your lost mind.
My fingers brushed your hand
Revealing delicate perfect skin
Your humanity shone out.
Gently blowing the ash from your eyes
See who you are
Perfection, in truth revealed.
This, you
Who you are
Is enough
All you ever need, already
Right there beneath the ash

.

[ for Abs. ]