Advice You Never Asked For.

I admit I don’t know your full story. 

But I encourage you to write because of my own experiences of that being a hugely beneficial path to take. 

When I was depressed for years, 

frequently suicidal, for years

when writing was my only emotional outlet, I pushed through it all and eventually pushed out through all the hurt into something that was truly a little bit beautiful amidst the terrible darkness. 

It was on the advice of a dear friend I started blogging. Fear made me keep it anonymous. But what I met was a writing community that embraced me and encouraged me in every way. I found friends who taught me about understanding and grief, about strength and persistence, about discovery and perseverance.

And I am forever grateful for that experience. 

I see now how I pushed myself through the fear. Partly out of fear of the darkness, but mostly because ALWAYS inside me, no matter what other shit was going on, there was the tiniest spark of light that guided me onwards. Perhaps it was a genetic gift from my mother, of hope or optimism. Perhaps it was the repeated words of a few close friends who reminded me during those darkest times that it wouldn’t last, that life will get better, that I deserved better, that just hanging on for another minute is all I needed to do in the moment. 

How can I not be grateful for experiencing that genuine expression of love from people I’ve only known for a few years?!

And now it’s my time to shine for myself, and for others. It’s my time to pass on the love. To “pay it forward” to someone else. Not out of any duty, or karma, just because its who I am. Simple, honest, caring for other humans. (And because, well, in that place, there are new lessons for me too.)

So I don’t know what you want in your life, what your personal goals are. But I see you already caring for and discovering yourself in many ways. We all want to “be better” or perhaps just “feel better”. While that path is a very personal choice, I see you finding your way forwards already.

And I just want to encourage you to do, and to keep doing, whatever it takes to maintain forward momentum in your life.

I encourage you past the fears in whatever way it takes, because that is just the way forwards. 

Don’t be afraid. Just be who you need to be.

=

[ feature/title image aerial photography of Mona Vale Beach, Australia, by Bo Le @safromabove ]

Instagram Poets.

Photo scrolls up
A familiar style
Already I know it’s you
Hesitating to read
Knowing
Your words draw me in
Completely
Carrying away to a new place
Every time
Every moment
Not ready for this adventure
Turning off and tuning out
Your precious gift awaits
We will meet soon
When my time is right

.

[ I’ve been spending more time on instagram lately, sharing my shorter poetry with integrated visuals. It feels closer to what I’m striving for artistically. Feel free to join me there. And if you also put writing there, do let me know. I live for all your words. ]

One Connection.

Connection
Knowing, understanding
You are a part of this world
Nature and the environment
are your parents and family
They want to communicate
and teach you the real meaning of life
Sometimes there are cultural traditions
and other times you must discover for yourself
How the world is you
And how you are the world
Indigenous Australians undertake
a journey tied to the land called “walkabout”
Strengthening their bond with ancestors
and the land intertwined with their life
Maybe we need to disconnect
From modern distractions, for a time
Discover a real self
A tie that connects us all together
To find or understand our place in it all
Perhaps the perspective will generate
Fresh focus, fresh energy
A clarity of what you mean
What you need, or what you need to do
Think about it
How would that help you?

(6 April 2015)

More Reasons To Write.

Writing to help myself and
to access my inner feelings

Writing to find what I feel

Writing to feel something

Writing to distract myself
from the painful feelings

Writing to mean something

Writing to give a fuck

Writing to believe that
meaning exists at all

Writing when all other
communication seems to fail

Writing when there is
nothing left but words.

(28 January 2015)

Some Days Why.

I write to relate, to connect with others

I write for understanding of me by you

I write seeking acknowledgement and justification for my existence

I wrote so that my struggle has meaning and there is a purpose to this day

Without meaning, without justification, understanding, or connection, there is nothing left at all, nothing but an empty vessel

.

[ this is a companion piece to my previous post Why I Do ]

Reading Back, Looking Forward.

I read words
of me
and yet,
I shun them
as they highlight
a side of me
that is presently uncomforting.
I don’t want to be
*there*
caught in the past.
Right now
I seek
clarity,
a path forwards
I seek,
motivation
enlightening.
I seek to find a new history.
Not denying it,
Just
not held back by it.
Interpretation
desires recalibration

Eclipsing the Sun. (5,6,4)

Searching for a way
To describe how I feel
Words lose their place

Falling through the cracks
He couldn’t work out how
Words lose their place

There was a meaning
Love existed until
Words lose their place

Free to roam, they lived
While eclipsing the sun
Words lose their place

Now in the darkness
Words lost forever more
We lose our place

.

[a partial solar eclipse this afternoon upon the setting Autumn sun]

Mediocre Life.

I want to feel closer (to you) than I do. Why? Because it doesn’t feel good enough, fulfilling enough, to be worth the effort that goes in. Am I being selfish? What’s selfish about wanting life to be fulfilling, wanting life to have meaning?

If I don’t really feel a relationship anymore, then what has it become?
Many things have changed on both sides, whether or not that is realised.
I am aware, I am observant, and I feel deeply, so when those feelings fade something significant has taken place. Whether suddenly or slowly matters not. Where we are now matters most. Where we want to be matters much.

The uncomfortableness starts from deep inside. How long has it been there? Probably longer than I realise. I suspect it influences how I am, who I am, with you. Which will influence your “with me” as well, whether you realise that or not.

I know all these things. I see all these changes. I feel all this. I cannot un-feel, I cannot un-know, I cannot forget what I see.

I let these observational feelings direct me. That may not be for the best, but it is who I am. Because I feel, they effect me. Because I feel, they push me. Because I feel, I seek what I want. I seek what will make me whole. I seek what I feel I am. My insight is feeling. My emotional feelings are my guide.

Do I have reason not to trust my feelings? I can only trust what I know is real. How I feel is real. How I feel may change, but this moment is as real as my feelings. My feelings are as real as this moment. My feelings are as fleeting as this moment. This moment recurs, comes back, familiar and unsettling as always. These unsettling feelings are me, are mine. Would that they could be otherwise.

To find calm, to find myself amidst the feelings. Can I pull myself out of these feelings and really be who I am? Oh to be free of the feelings and just to be me. Not tugged or pushed in any direction, not missing nor lacking, not wishing or striving, but being me without anyone else. Without interference, a clean clear signal that carries forever. I am. I be.

If you are not here with me you are not of me. If you orbit around me without sharing the energy, we cannot combine. We cannot create a new element without giving up ourself.
There would still be you and me, but ultimately the significance would be us. The whole greater than the sum of the individuals. Is this not what coming together is for? Is this not the creation we are capable of?

Lofty goals, meet achievable mediocrity. Freedom, meet fear. Wishes, meet reality. I wish for freedom to reach my lofty goals. The reality of fears reaches mediocrity.

Mediocre

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