[ This morning I wrote to clear my head, to clear what I could feel was building up inside. What came out was, in the end, somewhat surprising. ]
What’s bothering me?
The return of old familiarities that are unpleasant and painful for me. Situations that I don’t know how to handle in any better way.
The last two evenings have started out fun, with energy and play between us, and suggestion of more serious fun later on. I have enjoyed that. But then after eating dinner, it seems too late, evening tiredness sets in, and you’re in bed falling asleep already.
I don’t want to wake you up when you so obviously need rest. I would like to see your enthusiasm in alluring play. I would like your seduction to hold my attention.
And I would like to be able to do the same for you, but that doesn’t seem possible.
So despite the touch and kisses you give me before leaving for work, I feel upset because there’s not really any promising sensuality. There’s not really any follow through on the suggestiveness that does exist.
I feel that my openness and expressing what I would like (to do) at times we are interacting has improved. But I am yet to see behaviour from you that is a solid response to my suggestion. I mostly witness only play.
I would like our relationship to be supportive, open & adventurous. And it seems my ideas on what that means are in a different level of energy than yours. When I push myself out into those spaces, I feel resistance and hesitance from you.
Am I being unrealistic? There are always personal needs, wants, and fantasy. Am I trying to make my fantasies reality? No. I am just trying to let who I am become real in our relationship. My sexual energy seems to be at a different level to yours, which so often seems to be the starting point of my uncomfortableness.
I hope you can understand this. It’s not about how much I love you. Its about what is driving the personality behind the face. It’s about our very cores and what defines us on a level that is usually invisible. And right now I’ve looked into myself and seen this all, seen the “big picture” of myself and for a change, I am comfortable with who I am.
[ I didn’t expect to dig deep and come to such realisation at the end. I just wrote to clear out what I was feeling. But being honest with myself and attempting to stay honest with others has presented some valuable rewards of insight today. ]