Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.
Longing for belonging
Instead feeling outside
Without real reason; as
Intrusive fears drag me away
From all who I love
From all that I love
Feeling the pain of separation
Fearing something unreal
Lost in a negativity storm
Comfortably surrounded by
white noise and aloneness
Whilst my brain screams
for all the opposites
That I need and want.
is all that I desire.
Each day this week I have made two steps forward, despite some individual step backs. I have defined a new positive framework for my thinking. And yet today I am aware of a distinct lack of self support or believable positive encouragement. It stands out in the midst of my otherwise positive focus. Exactly how do I find these words that I feel I need? Words that I never learnt as a child. Words that have been missing so much from my life. This morning my heart feels so empty, as a lonely sadness fills me.
Today I don’t remember. Today I want to rely on myself but find mostly emptiness instead.
(20 July 2016)
Some days I am fearful for what feels likely to come
Fearful for the pain I experience
Fearful for feeling unable to cope
Fearful for wanting to give up
Fearful for a body and mind that collapse and fail me,
that abandon me where I stand,
leaving me naked and alone.
I feel forgotten.
When I don’t know who to talk to about my fears
When I isolate myself from everyone who could help me,
Because I don’t even want to be with myself
When I know my brain is lying but I can’t see past those thoughts.
Everything I normally do for myself,
Everything I enjoy, has lost interest to me.
It’s not just feeling alone,
It’s feeling left behind while others get on with their lives.
Lies, Lies, Lies,
Fill my head,
Fill my heart with dread,
And I can’t seem to control the flow of those thoughts
I fear being anonymous, I fear being forgotten
Because I know that will not end well for me.
I fear the waste of my humanity
I know there is so much more I can do
And I fear never being able to manage any of it.
My own expectations on myself are strong
While a harsh voice inside me says
“You can do better than this”
“Stop wasting your time and be productive”
“Get on with those things you need to get done”
And I wonder how anyone can do anything
When they just feel so much all at once
A flood of conflicting emotions drowns out the very essence of who you are
A hollow shell left, echoing the cold emptiness of your mind
My worst fears have come true
As I forget my very self.
I’m talking directly to you today. I need straight answers to straight talk.
Why do so many humans (still) feel alone? Good people. Liked by others. Personable. But seeming, in some abstract way, to not fit in. A feeling of never quite connecting with others. Not invited to join in. Never a “best friend” always an “acquaintance”.
I know these are insecurities. And I suspect untruths. Talk to me. I need to hear your story. Whether you agree or think differently. I need to know if you feel the same. If you have honest observations of me. If I misunderstand the world around me.
I need to hear others’ truth. What will you say to me?
Sleep was sent away
Putting aside tomorrow
For now was the time to be with me
Uncomfortable and Uncertain
Sat on each side
Told stories that I’d rather not hear
And all the while
For missing pieces of my soul
Thought that in the quiet
Amidst my own noise
They would be heard calling out
Both louder and softer
Background static grew too much
Overwhelmed within my head
I was shaken to the core
Over, and over
Please no more. Please no more.
(18 March 2016)
You said things to me
But always I heard the actions
Your words cut
Then tried to draw me back
But pain and scars
Immobilised this wavering soul
And now I fall
Away from the lack of connection
Towards unknown but open space
Freedom and fear
Fuel nervous doubt
Keeps me upright
Instead of uptight
My mind launches
A rescue mission for this body
I am listening again
Waiting to hear
My comforting voice
Some days I feel unnoticed
I feel irrelevant and
I give no value
Form of nothing
All lies, I know
But my truth today
(6 May 2015)
Has been growing and displacing me
Pushing through my head
Leaving my body feeling dead
Looking for something new
To pull me through
Or something old
To rekindle what’s grown cold
Can’t make sense
Unsettled and tense
The overwhelming feeling
I am not a failure
I am trying for a hint of understanding
of what is beyond my senses
It feels like…
Every time someone made fun of me
Every time i felt rejected
Every time communication failed
Every time I couldn’t ask for what I wanted
Every time someone held me back
Every time I felt misunderstood
Every time I felt trapped, pressured
All flooding back to me
Over fourty-five years’ worth
Regret, pain, angst
Here with me tonight
Shoving me around
Ignoring me when I reach out
Despising looks at me
Fighting urges to hide, disappear,
Curl up and die somewhere
Fighting the pressure of the past
All I ever wanted was connection
To feel human with someone else
It’s my fault
I don’t deserve it
All that I want, I don’t deserve
Life has shown me this
That’s the worthlessness of human existence
Small and insignificant gets nothing
Brittle empty shell
Crushed under the foot of the world
(21 March 2015)