Journey. 1

Each day this week I have made two steps forward, despite some individual step backs. I have defined a new positive framework for my thinking. And yet today I am aware of a distinct lack of self support or believable positive encouragement. It stands out in the midst of my otherwise positive focus. Exactly how do I find these words that I feel I need? Words that I never learnt as a child. Words that have been missing so much from my life. This morning my heart feels so empty, as a lonely sadness fills me.

Today I don’t remember. Today I want to rely on myself but find mostly emptiness instead.

(20 July 2016)

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Days Of Abandonment.

Some days I am fearful for what feels likely to come
Fearful for the pain I experience
Fearful for feeling unable to cope
Fearful for wanting to give up
Fearful for a body and mind that collapse and fail me,
that abandon me where I stand,
leaving me naked and alone.

I Feel Forgotten.

  
I feel forgotten.
When I don’t know who to talk to about my fears
When I isolate myself from everyone who could help me,
Because I don’t even want to be with myself
When I know my brain is lying but I can’t see past those thoughts.
Everything I normally do for myself,
Everything I enjoy, has lost interest to me.
It’s not just feeling alone,
It’s feeling left behind while others get on with their lives.
Lies, Lies, Lies,
Fill my head,
Fill my heart with dread,
And I can’t seem to control the flow of those thoughts
I fear being anonymous, I fear being forgotten
Because I know that will not end well for me.
I fear the waste of my humanity
I know there is so much more I can do
And I fear never being able to manage any of it.
My own expectations on myself are strong
While a harsh voice inside me says
“You can do better than this”
“Stop wasting your time and be productive”
“Get on with those things you need to get done”
And I wonder how anyone can do anything
When they just feel so much all at once
A flood of conflicting emotions drowns out the very essence of who you are
A hollow shell left, echoing the cold emptiness of your mind
My worst fears have come true
As I forget my very self.

Constant Doubts.

I’m talking directly to you today. I need straight answers to straight talk.

Why do so many humans (still) feel alone? Good people. Liked by others. Personable. But seeming, in some abstract way, to not fit in. A feeling of never quite connecting with others. Not invited to join in. Never a “best friend” always an “acquaintance”.

I know these are insecurities. And I suspect untruths. Talk to me. I need to hear your story. Whether you agree or think differently. I need to know if you feel the same. If you have honest observations of me. If I misunderstand the world around me. 

I need to hear others’ truth.  What will you say to me?

Everyday Madness.

Sleep was sent away
Putting aside tomorrow
For now was the time to be with me

Uncomfortable and Uncertain
Sat on each side
Told stories that I’d rather not hear

And all the while
I searched
For missing pieces of my soul

Thought that in the quiet
Amidst my own noise
They would be heard calling out

Singular crescendo
Both louder and softer
Background static grew too much

Deafening, pummeling
Sinister, sneaky
Overwhelmed within my head

No respite
Only endurance
I was shaken to the core

Over, and over
Repeatedly
Please no more. Please no more.

(18 March 2016)

Now Where?

You said things to me
But always I heard the actions
Your words cut
Then tried to draw me back
But pain and scars
Immobilised this wavering soul
And now I fall
Away from the lack of connection
Towards unknown but open space
Freedom and fear
Fuel nervous doubt
And longing
Keeps me upright
Instead of uptight
Vertical disengaging
My mind launches
A rescue mission for this body
I am listening again
Waiting to hear
My comforting voice
Awaiting acceptance

Too Much Emptiness.

Uneasy melancholy
Has been growing and displacing me
Pushing through my head
Leaving my body feeling dead
Looking for something new
To pull me through
Or something old
To rekindle what’s grown cold
Can’t make sense
Unsettled and tense
No deciphering
The overwhelming feeling

.

I am not a failure
I am trying for a hint of understanding
of what is beyond my senses
It feels like…
Every time someone made fun of me
Every time i felt rejected
Every time communication failed
Every time I couldn’t ask for what I wanted
Every time someone held me back
Every time I felt misunderstood
Every time I felt trapped, pressured
All flooding back to me
Over fourty-five years’ worth
Regret, pain, angst
Here with me tonight
Shoving me around
Laughing
Ignoring me when I reach out
Frowning
Despising looks at me

Fighting urges to hide, disappear,
Curl up and die somewhere
Fighting the pressure of the past
All I ever wanted was connection
To feel human with someone else
I failed
It’s my fault
I don’t deserve it
All that I want, I don’t deserve
Life has shown me this
That’s the worthlessness of human existence
Small and insignificant gets nothing
Brittle empty shell
Crushed under the foot of the world

(21 March 2015)

Loneliness.

20150308-233535.jpg
Loneliness hits out of the blue
Suddenly no one else is around
And my planned human interactions have not eventuated
Reaching out to others,
Thinking that is what I need,
But is it?
Simple human contact just pushes aside the feelings
What do I really long for?
What am I settling for on a daily basis,
That leaves me so empty and longing?

.

“I just wish all the lonely people could get together and realise how not alone they are.”

.

[ more detail on my interpretation of loneliness 27 August 2014 ]

Crushed And Crashed.

The weekend crushed me
And I am currently in barely surviving mode
While Loneliness has me chained to the bed
I don’t know what to say
I can’t speak out loud
Just thankful
For modern communications
Text messaging, blogs, and instant messages
Via my phone
Have kept me in touch with humans who are
Or who I would happily call
My friends
Arms reaching out
To touch me in loving comfort
To hang onto me while I slip
And just to help me along
Without the judgement I feel for myself
Gifting more compassion than I contain today