Disrupted & Recovered.

Sometimes the sadness comes and I feel overwhelmed. Wanting to focus on positives, wanting to feel the desire to work in the office. Nothing but a rushing undercurrent of sadness that sweeps support out from under me, and I’m left floundering amidst the turbulence.

Perchance I come across a four minute Tibetan bowl meditation, which leads to a Tibetan Healing soundtrack that begins to clear the negative energy around me. Tired from the experience, I want to jump into work lest I fall asleep in recovery. But energy levels aren’t high enough yet, motivation hasn’t raised yet. Feels like emotional purgatory. Suspended between what was and what could be. Transition space.

Focussing in to myself, I listening for what is raising up behind the internal commotion. It is difficult to hear what I do not understand. Searching for an inner truth.

So I pause within this moment. Writing words to tease out meaning. Hoping for the unknown to reveal itself within the placement of letters and spaces projected from my brain.

Sometimes the inner space communicates this way. Sometimes I am left wondering what is happening at these times. Is my brain simply responding to an unusual combination of body chemicals, hormones, nervous system signals, and perceived stimulus? Is there a greater spiritual understanding? Are there soul energies interacting beyond our general perception?

In the end, the music carries me further forwards than my cognitive or emotional understandings can. The gentle flow of chord progressions moves my mind, my awareness, to a new place. A safe place of positivity. A place of hope.

Memory. Memories.

Feeling that I’ve forgotten so much

Because I can remember so little

of the details from years past

from apparently significant years

that others recall.

And I don’t know why that is

My mind supposes and questions

Trauma, pain, wanting to forget?

Or do I as an emotional person

focus memories on emotions

feelings and experiences

that I feel strongly?

Why the difference – or

have I been focussed on differences

rather than embracing variety?

Difference was pressed upon me

as a child. Therefore wanting

to be the same became a focus

Problematic relationships enhanced

my perceptions of separateness

Self-perpetuating experiences

within and without

Preceded by the complexities of

mental illness

brain chemistry imbalance.

And right there again

Difference

Compared to most others.

Remembering enough to know

that feeling different

for most of my life

Leaves a mark this is difficult to

remove

Why would I want to do that?

Why deny who I am for the sake of

others?

And then through many experiences

finding myself,

learning, by facing up to the pain

by braving new experiences

instead of repeating old patterns

Pushing past subconscious influences

Deciding and choosing for myself

what benefits me

Not what I wanted others to feel

Letting go of the old memories

Choosing to focus

on new memorable experiences.

Now, for the first time I can remember

Feeling less separated

Finding a kindred spirit with whom

everything is normal, accepted, loved.

And remembering a little more

Being able to recall without pain

Brings a union to the everyday.

I remember sharing more than before

I remember to be myself with others

Remembering bravery, love

and compassion.

Remembering to care for myself

as I care for those closest to me.

Remembering to love within as without.

Seeking Comfort.

Feeling uncomfortable. The heat making it difficult for me to settle down to sleep. Anxiety rises. Feeling uncomfortable. Break the cycle, change the temperature. Close up the house and turn on the air conditioner. Feel guilty for needing to do that tonight for a matter of two degrees Celsius. But it’s my comfort threshold. Over 27°C air temperature and my body gets very uncomfortable. There’s that word again. Fan air movement is not enough to compensate for the heat trapped by my body against the bed mattress. I really don’t like feeling uncomfortable.

I remember feeling uncomfortable so often as a child. Unsure of school classrooms, being a quieter child, not speaking up, finding difficulty to make friends, feeling different – feeling uncomfortable. Feeling uncomfortable being teased for being smarter and less socially enabled. Feeling uncomfortable in the classroom with year-round allergies, runny nose, sore eyes, sensitive skin, twitchy muscles. Feeling uncomfortable go to an specialist and being conscious while they scrape an ulcer off my eye. Feeling uncomfortable with a sensitive eye and needing to wear sunglasses in primary school. Feeling uncomfortable with bullies and peers behaving in ways I didn’t understand.

I remember feeling uncomfortable and being self-conscious around most other people. Later, feeling uncomfortable about my mental state, anxiety and depression, unable to calm racing thoughts. Feeling uncomfortable about asking for assistance. Feeling uncomfortable about doing my self-improvement work. Feeling uncomfortable about taking medication. Feeling uncomfortable about the physical side effects.

Feeling uncomfortable in a relationship that wasn’t as supportive as I needed. Feeling uncomfortable talking to a partner who wouldn’t enter emotional territory. Feeling uncomfortable persisting with a relationship that was growing apart. Feeling uncomfortable about ending the relationship. Persisting. Feeling uncomfortable. Finally realising the uncomfortableness of staying was worse than the possible uncomfortableness of leaving.

I’ve always sought comfort. To feel safe, and loved. To distract me from the physical and mental unpleasantness that was being alive. Never receiving the guidance to navigate difficult conditions. Never having someone understand me enough to offer the support I needed. Rarely feeling comfortable in myself.

Until I took control of my life. Went out and made happen what I desired. Found the people I wanted, who turned out to be the friends I needed.

And still at times, I default to seeking comfort. When I’m unsure, worried, not thinking clearly. Do I seek comfort for peace? Is my discomfort a result of self-care lacking? Sometimes you move way past your normal comfort requirements and make new discoveries. Sometimes other needs surpass the desire for comfort.

Is comfort more a state of mind? Is it achievable more often and far more simply than I realise?

There is comfort in writing – in creating something with meaning out of struggle. There is comfort in processing and determining self thoughts.

Tonight as my body cools, as I finish writing and my brain becomes tired from the process, and as music has eased me through this task, I feel the approach of comfort. Feel the quiet, calm, cool rest that is my sleep into comfortable.

Shrouded in Heaviness.

Shrouded in heaviness
Time drags with a sense of impending crush
The reflex is to hide away
But little good ever comes of that
Ever wondering the triggers or nature of such great burdening weight
The sense is shared, not singular
Real as any other emotion
So we carry each other along
The solution becomes nature
Let the brisk wind blow away the dark energy
Let the sunshine purify your spirit
Holding hands, intertwined energies
Time comes to revel in relief
The joys of normality return
And we don’t look back.

This Journey.

In time, you discover more of who you are, and you gain confidence in being yourself (or else you care much less what others think).

Being at ease within, lets you find and connect with souls in tune with the real you.

Easily digestible platitudes from social media are not the solution. It takes difficult emotional work to face up to who you really are, and to discover who you really want to be. It’s not about what you want in life, it’s about your internal/external focus and balance, it’s about what is in your heart and what energy your soul attracts from the surrounding world.

See within, who you are. See what it is that makes your place in existence significant. Every thought, word, or action you choose influences the world, frequently in ways unseen. Do not be afraid of this — be thankful for this. Be grateful to touch other souls, in the everyday, and occasionally in the extraordinary.

This is your responsibility. This is your gift. This is your precious life.

Here and Now; from Before.

I remember mid high-school. My bassoon teacher being upset and teary. I later found out it was because she separated from her husband. But at the time I didn’t understand such things. I thought she was upset because I had done something wrong. I didn’t know what I could do for her to feel better.

When I think back to that time, I’m not sure whether I blamed myself for how she was feeling, or whether I was just so connected to her upset that I felt all her emotions too. Or something in between, or something else. I don’t think I had much understanding of relationships at that time. Home was unhappy with Dad being so unreasonable for a number of years. Maybe I could only react to everything around me; not being equipped to manage my own emotions, never being taught, rarely having any good examples. I watched others, and I picked up some cues from my brother; but it was more of an aspiring to be like that, than developing an understanding. And I think about some of my peers then; those who were working part time to support themselves, those who were out having multiple relationships, while I was still trying to get a hang of feeling and trying to understand my own sexual awareness alongside my shyness and lack of confidence.

Where am I now? I’m proud of how I’ve grown; of how I’ve gained significant understanding of myself during my adult years. Within my current relationship, I’ve gained a great understanding of how my own energy interacts with others, particularly with females. I’m learning more how to control the gifting of my energy to the world around me; when to hold back and when to let it out. I feel that I made some poor relationship choices in the few years before this current stable and supportive one. And yet I know during that time I was doing what I thought I needed to, to experience life in a new way, to experience relationships in a new way.

Where am I now? I am actively working to greater understanding of myself; developing greater compassion for myself; and growing in a positive direction (as I always have).

Where am I now? I am in a positive, supportive relationship with my soul-mate. I made my way here through positive choices. Through the brave choices of leaving (two) relationships that weren’t right for me. I was courageous and intelligent enough to decide what was best for me. I was fearful then, and yet I acted in love for my own well-being. I’ve always cared for myself, and that is why I am where I am today. That is why I am writing these thoughts out in this moment – self care; love for who I am, for who I was, and for who I will be. Doing the best I know how, endeavouring to help myself in the best way possible.

I know logically that I deserve this self-support. And yet I am aware that there is a component of fear driving me. Fear of feeling lost, fear of feeling abandoned and unloved. Some negative core beliefs persist; and these are my current challenge.

Am I worthy? Right now I can feel worthy of love, worthy of brilliant supportive friendships. And I also know that often I don’t feel that way. The dark hole of depression and self-loathing. A brain that functions differently in small ways, that leaves me hiding away from the world, self-isolating. It’s not healthy, and perhaps I can learn how to better deal with those times, how to manage them and ask for the help I need when I really need it.

I’m proud of my choice of friends. I’m proud of my choice of relationships, of my choice of life partner. I still remember that time years ago I decided to grow my friend circle, for my benefit. And now I see fruition of that decision. I now have around me the type of friends that I envisaged. I made this happen, for myself, for my benefit. To live a full and enjoyable life. To be a positive contributor to the world, and to feel the love of similar minds with similar energies all around me.

.

[ 23 Nov 2019 11:05am ]

A new EōN.

Screen capture from iOS app EōN, algorithmically generated Art & Music by Jean-Michel Jarre.
Channeling in
to the pain I feel inside
The emotional upheaval
and the unknown cause
Because I don’t like not knowing
Because to just accept this,
is difficult
When my whole life has been
striving to create some comfort
within a world that was
always so uncomfortable,
physically and emotionally.

Today I had to dive in
to the difficult hours
from this week past
And describe how I felt,
what I thought,
Reconnecting to those moments
To see where my thoughts
were really at
Hearing another perspective
To understand a way forwards
And tonight I could cry
Emotionally spent and weary.

So again I’m in the midst
of uncomfortableness
Not knowing how to cry
Fearful of the pain, of
wanting to curl up
and disappear from existence
Frustrated from feeling this way
When I could be celebrating life
Enjoying my new-found
freedom within a relationship.

The drum beats of EōN
shift my energy
Once again,
music is my saviour
Can a disconnected Artificial Inteligence
know my mood
sense my feelings
interpret a response?
One day this will be commonplace
For now happenstance is my friend.

With a clearer head
and a lighter heart
I commit myself to the night
To rest and recuperation
To new beginnings in new days
Tomorrow will be
what I make of it
Conscious choice will define
every moment as I travel
through the intersecting threads
of my world.

May your world and mine
interact and play
in a positive way
May we both feel significant,
useful,
real in some way that matters
May there be reason to smile
Reason to feel really alive
An energy that carries us
Forwards, together
Creating a brighter reality
A sense of purpose and belonging.

Always Feelings.

I feel much, and I feel little.

Emotional memories stir of past events, moments that just were; but became significant, painful, and joyful all at once.

They were left behind, thought they were let go; but circumstances brought them back to my conscious consideration.

Where they stir, simmer, and grab my attention for a while. Where they knock me off-balance and pull me apart; such that bringing myself back together, back to the present, is exhausting.

So I took today to rest my body; to rest my spirit and just be in my own space with no responsibilities. Choosing to act when I felt comfortable. Choosing to look after myself without guilt; to remember myself without influence.

There is joy in feeling little; in the quietness; in appreciating the silent mind that chose to be, today.

Remembering Completeness.

I remember

Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.

Happy New Year, Dad.

I miss my dad.
Through all the turmoil; all the moments of anger, hurt, uncomfortableness. Even through all his own pain, discomfort, the disruption of Parkinson’s disease degrading his human form and bodily organs failing.

I didn’t feel him at the end of this year.
The anniversary of his death on Christmas Eve, then a week later remembering his birthday on New Year’s Eve. A busy time of the year when it is easy to not notice many things. So I paused, left space for his memory, thinking about the present more than the past. I remembered him with a toast of his favourite drink – Cooper’s Stout “Happy Birthday Dad”. For a change, there were no tears, no heartache, no grief.

He wasn’t close to me this year. He was somewhere else, being himself, knowing I was okay at this time.

And now, a week later, with clear thoughts, I remember and miss the spirit that sparkled in a way like no other. The love that he gave for so many people, selflessly. He cared in his own way, and I thank him for expressing that as best he could.

So there are no more visits, no more chats. No more awkwardness and no more love. All I have are the memories – the feelings and moments, emotions imprinted on my heart.