Digging for Well.

Some days there is no trusting myself

Questioning the reasoning behind my behaviouring

Doubting the truth of my feelings of love

Thinking my relationship needs are met

Only after carefully crafted expression

Because someone in my past accused me of that

Even if that claimant was reacting to their own fears

And knowing that is not my intent

Ever

That I strive for truth and honesty

In all that I seek or do.

Yet I understand there is possibility

That my little cracked heart

Still has some healing to fully restore feeling

To a level of understanding and completeness

That not everyone manages to achieve

So I wonder if

Despite my best efforts

I do love as transparently as I hope

Do I reciprocate as honestly as I believe?

And the awareness of that questioning

The self digging and uncovering undertaken

Reassures me that I am doing the best I can

Within these moments certainty answers back

“You are doing well”.

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Perhaps us.

Perhaps my higher self chose you.

Perhaps part of me saw a need that I could fulfill and for reasons chose to be there for you.

Perhaps I’ve been doing this with many relationships in my life so far.

Perhaps this is who I am.

Perhaps I will continue this behaviour, if it is who I genuinely am.

Perhaps I will change.

Perhaps my current energy aligned with yours and bonded together.

Perhaps you are able to fully reciprocate my energy, my needs.

Perhaps you are here, now, to help me heal – just as I am for you.

Perhaps this is one way that people connect.

Perhaps this is one way people have a mutually healthy relationship.

Perhaps this is why this US feels so comfortable, so easy.

Perhaps focusing on the positives we have for each other is a great way forwards.

Perhaps right now, I believe all this to be true.

Heavy as a Day.

Longing for belonging
Instead feeling outside
Without real reason; as
Intrusive fears drag me away
From all who I love
From all that I love
Feeling the pain of separation
Fearing something unreal
Lost in a negativity storm
Comfortably surrounded by
white noise and aloneness
Whilst my brain screams
for all the opposites
That I need and want.

.

.

.

Simple fulfillment
is all that I desire.

This Idea of Journey.

The thing is, most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing.

There’s certainly no devious plotting.
There’s no following the path in front of me, because I have no idea where I am and no idea where I’m going.

Mostly I just try to get through the day with as little damage as possible.

Yes I take any opportunity to brighten someone else’s day, because I care about other people.
I know what it’s like to feel alone, unloved, and to feel like you are not worth any effort from yourself or from others.

There is a deep dark loathing black hole down there, and most days I just want to keep myself as far from its reach as possible.

Plenty of days I fail to manage that.

Eventually, I take one little step forwards each day, to build up momentum and keep moving forwards.

How much do I care about you? That depends on the day, but generally quite a lot. The love you share with me is absorbed, added to and reflected back. My creation of original love is scarce, because of the energy it requires, and because of the emotional process required.

Energy Perspective Shifts.

Attracting the energy of the mood I’m in
Leads to confusion during disparate times
Between outright positive and subtly negative phases.

Feeling sorry for myself;
Links me to people who will feel sorry for me
And yet that is not what I really need.

Empathy and sympathy are part of care
There are other energies that benefit me more;
Positive understanding, with hope and optimism,
Will shift perspective to my benefit.

The Horizon of Desire.

My desires feed a deep place inside
Not dark, for this shall be revealed with those who choose to ask, those who choose the closeness

Hunger grows and searches for equally matched desire
There is no boundary between physical and mental intimacy
I simply crave the deepest sharing and connection
And the decision to partake is valid only for the space the energy occupies

While relationships constantly change, acknowledgement and respect remain the vanguard of this new reality

My responsibility is to be better than we’ve ever been before
To set an example of the best a human can be

Deciding on true equality, true out-in-the-open honesty and integrity
This is to what I give my consent.

.

[ inspired by the words of Laurie Penny. ]

Comparisons.

Feeling guilt over the validity of my pain
Comparing my childhood story with yours

Yet I know this is no competition
And we each bear our own challenges
We each learn in our own ways

Why does comparison even come into it?

How do we accept this and grow?

Wanting life to be right and just, does not make it so

All we can do is live our own integrity

Vision.

I am
The sum of all I’ve ever done
I am
My everyday actions
I am
All that I want to do
And
I am
So much more that you don’t immediately see
unless you take the time to look beneath
and discover
motivations, desires
the forces that drive me.

See all that I might be
Potential is attractive
Is it enough to propel me forwards?

Do I need your belief in me to believe in myself?
Your point of view helps me see
the glimpse of what I can be
Unrestrained and free.

[ 27Sept2017 ]

My heart. My head.

There is so much more I need to say
To the world, to you, and to myself
I need to hear the encouragement that only comes from a changed state of being
From a fresh way of thinking
From love overpowering fear
And it’s greatest source is hidden inside me
I want to hear it loud and proud
And each day I cry for another vision
Another visit from the tenderness that had been lost
I. Keep. Pushing. Forwards.
Searching. For. More. Of. This.
And the fear claws me back, holds me back,
Stabs my back and leaves me bleeding in pain
When all I want is Peace. Love. Life. Connection.
How do I connect with strength ephemeral?
Wanting more. Looking for more. Searching
Tell me where to look
Help me see what I need to… Be.
When deep ruts steer me wayward
I ask for guidance, for a gift
To heal the rift inside my heart, my head.

Love Challenges.

You said I needed to make up my mind
When I make it up every day
But following through with those decisions is where I fall down.
I want some*thing*
But I also want to help others enjoy life
And some*times* I let that over-ride my own feelings.
Did you ever consider my feelings?
Did we ever talk about how I really felt underneath the surface?
We all want to be happy
So how do we blend our own happiness with those around us?
How do we all sit together in peace, and love,
feeling connected and supportive of each other?
Perhaps the challenge is overcoming our own pride
Perhaps when we start seeing others as equally important
and equally worthy of our consideration and energy
Perhaps then we will all feel it –
The collective human energy that we desire
An equal focus on ourselves and others
An equal tolerance for ourselves as for others
This works for me, and,
just maybe it is what we all needed to hear.

[ 15 August 2017 ]