Very Like a Rabbit.

Lagomorphs
Prey animals
Eyes on the side,
they see danger coming from any direction
Cautious, intelligent
Genetically wired to escape,
to survive,
to show no illness or weakness
Nocturnally active
Creatures of habit

Place them in a safe home,
a burrow, security, shelter
And they melt with love
Bonding
Staying close
Relaxing into you
Revealing their individuality
Affectionate
Dance around you when excited
Curl up with you just to pass time

All as I am.

IMG_2916

Understanding Real Friendship.

abandoned

The trauma of my childhood
That no-one was ever there for me
Consistently, patiently, lovingly
No-one to talk with
About the confusion of life
Trying to learn what it all meant
And how it all worked
I developed my own coping
But now those inexperienced patterns
Are more harmful than beneficial.
35 years later
I am relearning healthy ways
Helping myself most days
But still sometimes
Falling into a deep hole, where
Blinded by darkness and isolation
I am lost.
The difference now is friends
People I trust enough
People who care enough
Unconditionally, openly,
Fully respond to my cries
Support me through the terrors
And gently pull me out afterwards.
Finally feeling love
Enables self-love to grow
Learning self-support
Is a terrifying new experience
But the backup from my friends
Lends me enough strength
That no matter how much I slip backwards
Each day steps forwards can be made.

.

I shared this with a select few of my friends, those that have been of big assistance in the past year, to express gratitude in my own way. These words are like a photo or picture, conveying a snapshot of one moment’s relevance to my whole life. There is so much more, there always is, just as there is a world beyond the edges of a photograph. But taking it all in is overwhelming. So this little view tells a story, makes a few connections, and leaves the rest open for interpretation.

“When you have only felt able to truly rely on yourself, real friendship can seem strange.”

20150219-234130.jpg

My Addiction?

Human beings are bonding animals
We need to connect and love
Short phrases, simple words
Are bids for connection
“Come engage with me about this”
Constantly searching for a response
even momentarily, for
a sign of interest and support
Will you turn toward me
with kindness and generosity
Or will your thoughts turn away
with unaware hostility
and leave me more alone for trying?
The key to happiness
is in your hands
in your answers
As your words follow your intentions
so will love follow our actions
Where that leads is up to us both
And if our focuses diverge,
communication cracks,
Then I grieve
For the loss, the death

.

“The opposite of addiction is human connection, It is disconnection that drives addiction “
.

Writing is my bid for connection
Likes are signs of interest,
recognition of me
Comments are engaging with me
Sharing thoughts on the posted theme
As I crave the connection my words propose
Yet as an incomplete person,
myself failing at bids and responses
Disconnections originate both here and there

20150217-235714.jpg

Trail Blazing.

A messy, beautiful journey
Self discovery
Finding what you like
What you are like.

Positive focus
Moving away from all the dislikes
Criticisms of self and others.

Training to disclose
The hidden desires
And obfuscated needs.

Who you want to be
Who you are now
Discovering and encouraging
All of you.

And you feel alone
Because this is your unique journey
But you remember that
You are never really alone.

So many are on this same course
So many have found their way
And others are about to start.

You see it, sense it, hear it
Paths cross with brief connections
But each link
Unlocks more of you.

There is so much more of you
So much to welcome and delight in
Open arms and warm heart
Will carry you on
Will complete you.

[ Thanks again to eledette for the words that inspired this ]

Starting Again.

Having days for clear thought
even if they are “sleepy on the couch days”
has been good for me.
“Not worrying about everything but just being”
lets my unconscious mind unravel what is important to me
And some of that has become clear to me today.

My relationship with her does not matter
In that,
it is not something to expend my energy thinking or worrying about
It is not something that can be fixed or broken with a simple action
It is not something I am in a position to make decisions about
because…

I am already on a journey of discovering myself
Small decisions made in the past already set this in motion
In the past year alone I have learnt a lot about who I am and what I want
I just needed to be clear-headed enough to see the progress.
Looking forwards,
I need to find more about what matters to me
and what exactly it is that I want.

I live for connection with others
I long for expressions of love
I am learning how to connect with and show love for myself.
These principles are core to my life.

It’s a start.
This is me.

(2 February 2015)

20150216-222643.jpg[ This Easter lily has flowered rather early in the back yard this year.]

Emotional Mindfulness.

In response to a thought
Certain feelings kept returning
They felt like hurt and pain
So, I pushed them away
To focus on brighter, lighter energy.

But I remembered a friend’s words
“One emotion at a time,
feel it, explore it, face it,
own it, conquer it.”

So, I stopped being frightened
These feelings became observable
And their power lessened
I took back a certain control
To let myself think and feel
With a renewed free-ness.

(12 February 2015)

[ Thanks to eledette for the wisest words to me this week ]

Pain Of Loss.

Every time I think about my relationship with my partner
When I think about other couples interacting
in helpful and mutually supportive ways
My heart breaks
I feel the pain of loss
From the frustration
Of not receiving
Of not being able to give
Tiring from the lack of connection.

(11-12 February 2015)

[ originally posted at https://morevulnerability.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/230/ ]