Only Surviving Again.

The emotional pain
The upsetting and tears
Don’t want to push them away
Need to feel
and acknowledge them
But it becomes too much
Overwhelming
Sanity tearing apart
Dry sobbing
Self-protection kicks in
Focus on this breath
and the next…
Life becomes survivable
for another moment

(6 September 2015)

Torn Between Care and Resting.

I’m trying to be kind to myself
Being gentle on my body
That has been so fragile for so long
And my mind says “Lazy”

I’m scared of pushing myself much
And crashing again
Physically wrecked for a day or two
And my mind says “Lazy”

I say be gentle, don’t push
Let my body communicate its ability
It’s a fine line balancing productivity
And perceived laziness

(28 Sept 2015)

Freedom from Capture.

© Mary Jo Boughton 2015
“23” © Mary Jo Boughton, 2015. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

.

Wanting to help others
Is in your nature
So wanting to help yourself
Comes naturally too.
Beware the critic
The diviner of right and wrong,
Embrace the loving supporter
The kind and compassionate persister.
You deserve to be happy
Though that strange place
Brings fears of losing your self
Trust me, trust you,
That place is better, ’tis true
You will grow there
Flourish
Feeling life’s meaning
And you will feel safe
As the security comes from within.

.

[ this is my response to Ruby Browne’s words on struggle ]

Getting to Know me.

Won’t you take the time
Run your fingers through my soul
Uncover the hiding feelings
And discover just why sometimes I don’t

.

[ I wanted to leave this work at that point. You know, Less is more. But so much was coming out. And it went even further than I expected. What do you think, 1 stanza or 5? ]

Won’t you take a stroll
For a moment through my land
Traverse treacherous paths
Notice the shaking beneath

And
Won’t you take my hand
Lend support, comfort, presence
Lost in the darkness
Alone becomes forever

This be no fairytale
No wish granting nor fairy wands
Lifelines of Connection
Flare briefly before smothered

Every turn away, every shut door
Every assumption, and unspoken word
Deepening chasm, blackening darkness
Without change, there is no better

Days of Pain and Nonfunction.

I want to function
I want to have the energy,
the motivation
to get out of bed
and make something of the day.

Seeing support and instead
annoyed by Platitudes
that suggest happy life
is just a matter of choice,
Because they know nothing
of mental illness,
unseen illness,
the inner hurdles that present each day.

I want help with loss,
with grief,
with mental dysfunction,
and just trying to cope with some days.
I know it’s hard
for anyone else
to understand my struggles,
but it’s possible
to approach my pain and restriction
with compassion and love.

Today
because of what’s going on,
I can’t get anything positive
to sink in.
My only anchor
are friend’s words of support
that have stuck with me in the past,
that have already
attached themselves into my brain.