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A Deep Conversation with Myself. 

Why do I feel alone on my own?
Because I gain a great deal of energy from connecting with other people and I fell that I don’t get that on my own.

Why don’t I receive that connection on my own?
Because I feel inadequate with my own thoughts. There seems to be nothing to reinforce me, positively.

Why don’t I feel comfortable with myself in the quiet?
Historic uneasiness and Fear. Feeling trapped in the past even though I am moving forwards. There is an inner dark place that I am constantly running from and I am trying now to understand it now.

What is this inner dark place I am avoiding?
Self-hatred. Self-loathing. It is doubt of myself and feeling that I am inadequate.

Why do I feel inadequate?
Because I remember all the times I couldn’t do things, Couldn’t function, Couldn’t perform, Couldn’t work, Couldn’t please others, Couldn’t be liked.

And do you see that a lot of those “couldn’t”s are just assumptions about situations and prejudgements of the opinions of others?
Yes I see that. I want to walk away from that – pain – and yet it all feels so comfortable that I don’t want to leave.

What is the worst thing that could happen?
That I cannot function, that I am stuck in depression or frozen in fear. That nobody likes me, or loves me, or gives me attention. That I will be alone, all on my own with no-one to care for me.

Why do you need someone else to care for you?
Because Ive spent so long fighting to be noticed, that I’m exhausted and hurting and I don’t know what to do anymore to be happy.

What if I said that you don’t need others to be happy? And that you can love yourself and feel everything you need provided from within your heart?
I don’t believe that. Everyone is looking for someone to love and be loved by and they are unhappy when they don’t get that. I don’t want to be like them.

OK. This is big stuff. This is strong stuff. Powerful and unsettling and I understand that. But I want you to know that you are loved. By others and by me. These fears are real to you, but they are based on errors of judgement. There is a much more positive energy environment around you, if you can tap into that, you will see the more positive truth. I want you to focus on that, the more positive energy around you. Consider it, feel it, leave space for it to seep deep into your being and carry you to a more comfortable place of existence. This is already happening as you take in these words, let it continue. Let it be the only preoccupation for your mind. Let it shelter you from the dark places. Let it be your guiding light. A light of hope. A way of living that you will be proud of and comfortable with. For this is you. You are already this. Just let the cloudiness clear from your vision and see the truth of the awesomeness that your life is.

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This Is Not A Manifest.

Time to sit and process. Take stock of the present me, and recent thought encounters.

I need to look after myself. I need to make decisions in my life that are the best for me, irrespective of how much that may* hurt others. There is no point in letting myself suffer for the sake of the perceived* comfort of others.

I believe my ongoing health issues are largely a result of the stress of my profound unhappiness. Said unhappiness being largely the result of a relationship that has not been fulfilling me for some time (10 years or thereabouts).

I have made my best efforts at the time to resolve the relationship issues. I have worked on myself. I have attempted to guide my wife. We have been to counselling together. I have made many attempts to open discussions about our relationship. And all through I have seen her narrow view. I don’t know whether her refusal to engage with me (verbally and emotionally) at the level I need is out of fear or a lack of understanding.

I have stepped back and left space for growth. I have engaged fully to encourage growth. At times I have also pushed heavily for growth. Ultimately for me though, this has all been relatively futile. Which has resulted in negativity calling me out as a failure. I know this is not true. I have been battling to believe that I have done the best I can and that the negativity is a lie.

I do not believe in static relationships. I believe we grow daily with every experience, every challenge to our thoughts, every discovery within and outside of our mind. I believe significant growth comes through shared experiences with others. I believe that resisting change is ultimately hurtful to oneself, and that resistance is usually based on fears. I believe love is the basis for all good things.

I know that no matter what happens, what occurs, or what choices I make, that I have good friends who will support me. I trust them, as I have appreciated their response to my opening up about depression. And they have explicitly stated their support of me.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

I am pleased with my personal growth. I identify aspects of my personality that have changed significantly, especially in recent years and I am proud of the person I am. I have surrounded myself with amazingly supportive, genuine and fun people, whose company I thoroughly enjoy. I am proud of my growth as a writer and artist.

I have come to realise that all I ever wanted in life, is in fact right there surrounding me already and I only have to reach out for it.

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Questions of Direction.

Questioning in my head
From my heart
Who am I?
Stepping back from the path
I re-survey my vicinity
Much confusing pain around here
And many treasures
Seeing where the light has shone on me
And the rough patches of stumbling.
Perhaps it is true
The life of a writer is all this
It cannot be any other way
Embrace all that inspires and drives you
Blatantly and silently.
There is a balance within
To travel this path
With Zen flow
Accepting it all
Letting oneself be moulded
Whilst standing in higher consciousness.
With that visualisation before me
My heart cries over lack of faith
Lack of patience.
Then, as I breath
The voice comes to me
This is it. Right now
The moment for you to rise
And just let it all happen
Place the intention in your heart
It’s all about attitude.

===

I write to get the questions out of my head.
Do my answers serve me well?

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Wrong Way Go Back.

I’m tired of falling down, exhausted
Of not seeing progress around me
Of not feeling progress within me
I need help, and whom is there to ask
Who isn’t too busy or too unreliable?
And I’m unreliable, when my body decides
Today is too much
Overloaded and overstretched,
I snap back into a tight ball of
Misery. These undertakings that
I don’t have to do, but I want to,
I enjoy doing, and they ultimately
Are done for the best
And this is solely at home
Add paid employment into the mix, and
There are other needs, others’ needs,
My promises and paperwork
To keep it all working, and some days
I just can’t rise to the challenge
Some days I manage a few hours
And sme days I only manage myself
So it’s no wonder,
I constantly contemplate
My inner workings, my motivations
And finding no solid answers to stand upon
I stumble down into the rut
That catches my feet, that keeps me going
This way.

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This Equation Of Me.

Confident, enough
in myself
with friends I trust
and strangers –
it’s believing
that I contain
something positive to contribute.

To feel at ease
with this me, with
what’s inside
is another matter altogether.
The value of myself, my
comfortableness and
my self-worth, are
other elements
of
the total me,
the
sum
of all the parts.

Before I doubted
myself –
I trusted
this, whole, me.
It was simple
and easy
Until,
I started believing
criticism from others.
It became emotional
and messy.
Not feeling accepted,
not feeling respected,
by others, and
No-one else was there
to put me straight.

It’s taking quite some time
to turn around
ways of thinking
ways of feeling, and
ways of
imagining
me
To understand
just where I am, and
to realise where I was
before.

The power you hold
in the
Creativity
of your mind
to Believe in you
and, to
Create you,
This is magical.

It’s Something Like This.

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I’m scared.
No actually, I’m terrified.
What if this is it?
What if my life is going to be – this complicated struggle – through the foreseeable future?
I see all the negatives so clearly.
I pass by the positive aspects of my life with a mere glance and they are forgotten. Overshadowed and overwhelmed by the crushing defeat of my failures.

Everyday life, is not.

Living mostly involves managing a small portion of what I used to be able to achieve.
Unknown ill health, exhaustion, reactions to food.

And the deteriorated mental state.

Medication seems to take an edge off the depression.
Leaving a space filling with – all this other negative emotional/physical/mental detritus.
Just finding the energy to get by, to deal with ALL OF THIS, leaves so little spare for love.
For others, and, ultimately for myself.

So as I contemplate another week of juggling energy – for work, to live – for myself, to keep going – and just maybe, something left for others – I feel … I feel too much.
I feel overwhelmed and unequipped.
I feel lost in the swirl of a life where people make demands of me everyday.
And more than anyone else, I make demands of me.
Urgings that sit uncomfortably with a body that seems to require the opposite.

Some days, making personal decisions feels like deciding the fate of the world.
Some days I just need to take time out, to find myself, to find that core of me around which I balance, and build outwards from there.

(15 March 2016)

What reminds you of who you truly are?

  
This challenge is from Rarasaur, SKIP challenge. It took a little time to get into the part of my brain that was holding these thoughts, but it was well worth the effort. Have a go yourself and share here if you do.
What reminds you of who you truly are?  Maybe you have a response to anything on my list?

1. Lego

2. Playing piano

3. Riding a bicycle

4. Quietness in the warm sunshine

5. Swinging in the sunshine

6. Fixing something

7. Music that sends tingles down my spine

8. Golden North Giant Twins

9. Walking through wooded nature

10. The beach during summer

11. Playing with children

12. Loose leaf white tea

13. Christmas Lunch with Cousins, Aunties, & Uncles

14. Receiving a message from a friend

15. Remembering my Dad

16. Movie nights at home

17. Magpies warbling in the early morning

Now There is Nothing.

I stopped and looked at myself
On the inside
The space that no one else sees
A check-in
From a clear head
After blurry weeks of just surviving
And I saw a desert
Nothing but dry sand
All the way to the horizon
I blinked and looked again
Nothing but ocean
Treacherous depths
No wonder I feel lost
No joy, no love, no life

(28 August 2015)