What Got Me Through.

I want to get this emotion out of me
To express it through creativity
Need to clear these feelings to set me free
But can’t clear my head sufficiently

Struggling with exhaustion as soon as we left the party today, I emotionally & physically crashed when we arrived home. She tried to comfort me, reminding me that I’ve been through a few busy long days in a row. I know the continual exhaustion for over two weeks now has been wearing me down further and then pushing past all that to look after the invalid girl has been even more draining.

Trying to cry, choking on emotion, wet cheeks. She’s trying to comfort me. Overcome by such a heavy heart. Couldn’t write it out. Had to put music loud through my headphones to tune it all out. That worked and I slept lightly through an hour.
Only music got me through.

Still feeling such a heavy heart. Felt the need to be held in someone’s arms. She cradled my head on her lap. More waves of emotion. Trying to accept them, not to be overwrought by them. Repeating the support phrases from my therapist about feelings, not helping. Helpless. Feeling alone and unloved. Telling myself that’s not true – that it’s all lies told by my brain at the moment. Message still not getting in.

Then I channeled the energy of my close friends. I took their words, their love and their care, pulled in that energy into a moment and started speaking to my inner hurting self. With comfort and honour, with love and compassion, I was my best friend. The only person with the words to calm me, to help me feel loved and cared for, to be with me inside the stormy darkness and to pull me through it. I was left with exhaustion, but only exhaustion.
Only my friends got me through.

(25 January 2015)

This Head, This Heart, This body.

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I slept through the night
Normally
And through the morning
Moved out to the lounge
And my body kept on dragging me to sleep

I drank a glass of water
Occasionally
While deliriously stumbling
Through the house
Changing rooms with a body half asleep

I ate some lunch
By necessity
Brought home to me
Sat in a comfy chair for a while
Though my brain was barely registering awake

I slept through the afternoon
Intermittently
Full of half conscious dreaming
Immobile in bed
While I wondered if this sleep grew from my head

No caring, hardly any thoughts
Sparingly
Can anyone rescue me
As energy abandons me
A sadness river flowing quietly inside of me

Helpless to help myself
What sort of existence is this
Am I hiding, or recharging
Or just run down from pushing myself
to interact with others when I just want to sleep

Without others I feel nothing
Some people don’t even register
But friends and strangers both connect with me
Insert some meaning into an otherwise blank
Existence of uncertainty

(19 January 2015)

Double Five Hundred.

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Interesting times yesterday. I reached 500 blog posts as well as 500 followers on the same day. I was out most of the day. Rode my bicycle to a cafe games day and played a few different board and card games with friends. Then late afternoon rode my bicycle into the city to watch the preliminary stage of the Tour Down Under bicycle race. Struggled with energy and sadness all day, but kept moving myself when I needed momentum.

Headlong Despite Feeling.

I saw shapes that reminded me
Heard sounds that carried me
Felt emotions that crushed me
Remembered and forgot it all in the same moment
I was moved and suddenly I
wanted to be still enough to hear through the silence
and silent enough to know the stillness that calmed
and claimed me as it’s own
My place was ready
but I was not
about
to change direction
Unknowingly crashing forward
Unfeelingly pushing through
all that mattered
to me.

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My Journey Planner.

I look ahead with positivity
Focussing on the outcome I want
Sweeping others along with me
And yet I stumble, tripped up
by them not sharing my vision
not understanding where I am headed
Propelled by my energy
But held back in their own fears
Holding me back with their hesitancy
Because I thought I needed company
on this adventure.
Now I know,
I can do this on my own
and if they won’t share the energy
I need to continue on
Without hesitation
And perhaps find along the way
like-minded, compatible energies

Twenty One Years On.

My unhealthy, depressed, stressed life
Is largely a result of my relationship unhappiness
Many many years of being unsatisfied in the marriage
With someone who rarely understood me, my desires or needs
Who lacks the ability to converse
In ways that are meaningful to me
Who responds to me when I’m upset
But only when I’m upset
Who forgets what I say to her, time and again
Essential communications forgotten
Sharing passion forgotten
I remember 12 years ago,
already unhappy and trying to rediscover
passion, love, intimacy, sharing
I see no recovery
Without at least, a long term break
From this relationship that has been poisoning me
For which I have run out of passion
All I know now is anger, spite, unpleasantness
I need time to heal, to recover,
to rediscover who I am and my loves

(14 January 2015)

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Locus Focus.

I need to bring my focus to myself. Here and now.
Mindfulness and presence in the present.
I’ve been focussing on others too much.
Subtly overthinking and worrying about what they think of me.
What matters most is what I think of me.
Give myself permission to do or try whatever I want.
Encourage myself and be my own best supporter.

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Regarding Grief.

I think I would cope better
If I felt more
If grief was sobbing tears,
stabs of pain,
or wrenching emotional pangs

Physical symptoms
Allow me to “be present”
acknowledge and experience them
While this mental induced
exhaustion and lethargy
is more of a hurdle
that gets higher
every time I approach it

Is the race over yet?
I’m ready to get back into life
Or am I still racing away
from something?

Marathon
hurdles
hundred metre sprint
and long jump
All rolled into one
one long event
No-one to pass the baton onto

The crowd cheered at the start
And will be there at the end
But along this bumpy section
this long and lonely road
Out in the rain
and the blistering heat
Only the keenest followers
lend their brief moments of support

The ends come
Grieving for what has passed
for a present without
and for a future
that will always be changed
This valid loss of mine
Permanent loss
means my life has forever altered
and I may need some time
getting to know myself
as a different person now

Now
Present
The gift of life
includes this grief
There will be something that I learn
perhaps my own strength
And whether I choose to talk
or write about it
Or find other ways or creativities
to express and process
this distress
Nothing will depress
the cause of my duress
It started with
and will always be remembered as
Love

.

[ Thoughts after a rough week of exhaustion and reading this link sent by my friend Charlie ]

I Remember Touch.

When doubts assail me
When I feel even further away
from the person closest to me
When I struggle with my own
mental physical feedback interactions
Life goes quiet
Tries to lock me away in isolation
To punish me or to send me mad
Keep sharp objects away from me
don’t let me near that ledge
I need hands to wrap around me tight
To hold me secure and safe
in comfort and love
To remind me that I mean something
when I feel like nothing
Convince me that I matter
When all I see
is the blank space where I used to be
Walk through it and feel nothing
because I’m curled up over here
a tiny ball in the dark corner
Out of harm’s way
out of everyone’s way
Pull me into the light
Let it warm me while you soothe me
Keep me company
A touch to remember.

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Humming To Myself.

A day of struggle, exhaustion, tiredness
Brings companions of pervasive negativity
Encouraging me down into depression
But I kept lifting my spiritual energy higher
at hummingbird level
Keeping myself out of the torment
of physical challenge and mental anguish
constantly clawing at me
Accepting space to fall in and out of sleep
Listen to music as my consciousness drifted
Appreciate the music that I heard
And let go of the strange dreams
that unfolded in the darkness

.

[ I am thankful for the friends that supported me today. In particular to Kerri for her energy, understanding and guidance in the shamanic ways. ]