Here and Now; from Before.

I remember mid high-school. My bassoon teacher being upset and teary. I later found out it was because she separated from her husband. But at the time I didn’t understand such things. I thought she was upset because I had done something wrong. I didn’t know what I could do for her to feel better.

When I think back to that time, I’m not sure whether I blamed myself for how she was feeling, or whether I was just so connected to her upset that I felt all her emotions too. Or something in between, or something else. I don’t think I had much understanding of relationships at that time. Home was unhappy with Dad being so unreasonable for a number of years. Maybe I could only react to everything around me; not being equipped to manage my own emotions, never being taught, rarely having any good examples. I watched others, and I picked up some cues from my brother; but it was more of an aspiring to be like that, than developing an understanding. And I think about some of my peers then; those who were working part time to support themselves, those who were out having multiple relationships, while I was still trying to get a hang of feeling and trying to understand my own sexual awareness alongside my shyness and lack of confidence.

Where am I now? I’m proud of how I’ve grown; of how I’ve gained significant understanding of myself during my adult years. Within my current relationship, I’ve gained a great understanding of how my own energy interacts with others, particularly with females. I’m learning more how to control the gifting of my energy to the world around me; when to hold back and when to let it out. I feel that I made some poor relationship choices in the few years before this current stable and supportive one. And yet I know during that time I was doing what I thought I needed to, to experience life in a new way, to experience relationships in a new way.

Where am I now? I am actively working to greater understanding of myself; developing greater compassion for myself; and growing in a positive direction (as I always have).

Where am I now? I am in a positive, supportive relationship with my soul-mate. I made my way here through positive choices. Through the brave choices of leaving (two) relationships that weren’t right for me. I was courageous and intelligent enough to decide what was best for me. I was fearful then, and yet I acted in love for my own well-being. I’ve always cared for myself, and that is why I am where I am today. That is why I am writing these thoughts out in this moment – self care; love for who I am, for who I was, and for who I will be. Doing the best I know how, endeavouring to help myself in the best way possible.

I know logically that I deserve this self-support. And yet I am aware that there is a component of fear driving me. Fear of feeling lost, fear of feeling abandoned and unloved. Some negative core beliefs persist; and these are my current challenge.

Am I worthy? Right now I can feel worthy of love, worthy of brilliant supportive friendships. And I also know that often I don’t feel that way. The dark hole of depression and self-loathing. A brain that functions differently in small ways, that leaves me hiding away from the world, self-isolating. It’s not healthy, and perhaps I can learn how to better deal with those times, how to manage them and ask for the help I need when I really need it.

I’m proud of my choice of friends. I’m proud of my choice of relationships, of my choice of life partner. I still remember that time years ago I decided to grow my friend circle, for my benefit. And now I see fruition of that decision. I now have around me the type of friends that I envisaged. I made this happen, for myself, for my benefit. To live a full and enjoyable life. To be a positive contributor to the world, and to feel the love of similar minds with similar energies all around me.

.

[ 23 Nov 2019 11:05am ]

Always Feelings.

I feel much, and I feel little.

Emotional memories stir of past events, moments that just were; but became significant, painful, and joyful all at once.

They were left behind, thought they were let go; but circumstances brought them back to my conscious consideration.

Where they stir, simmer, and grab my attention for a while. Where they knock me off-balance and pull me apart; such that bringing myself back together, back to the present, is exhausting.

So I took today to rest my body; to rest my spirit and just be in my own space with no responsibilities. Choosing to act when I felt comfortable. Choosing to look after myself without guilt; to remember myself without influence.

There is joy in feeling little; in the quietness; in appreciating the silent mind that chose to be, today.

What if.

Of Love and Loss

What if I can’t love you anymore?
What if I can’t bear to greet you at the door
What if I can’t kiss you goodnight
What if I can’t wake up to you with a heart that is bright
What if I can’t be excited from your touch
What if I can’t handle thinking about you much
What if you are irrelevant to my day, and
What if I can’t think of any more words to say
What if you love me more than ever before, and
What if I can’t feel the connection any more

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Seeking Comfort Without.

(8 July 2014)

Touch you
Kiss you
Hold you
It’s all for you

It’s not for me
I don’t particularly want to
There’s no desire
No wanting this

What I want
Doesn’t exist today
The darkness enshrouds me
Lethargy disables me

Disabled by my mind
Any positivity deactivated
Negativity left to seize control
Aware of all this, yet helpless

Help, I could request assistance
If not already locked inside
Restrained and deadened
Unable to speak up

Missing Pieces.

I miss you
Words that seem
so little to mean
Hollow response
all I feel from you

I miss
Feeling the love
reflected back
many times a day
where has that gone?

I miss
The energy
bouncing back and forth
enlivening encouraging
connection is gone

Missing pieces
Weakening the whole
Lurching brokenness
Failing emotions
Crumbling apart

Leaves.

With autumn comes the changes
in the colour of the trees
As they glow with inner fire
before leaping on the breeze
Then a symphony of sounds
in dry rattle, crunchy squeeze
Until fading life escapes them
back to earth return the leaves.

Our relationship was like them
once fresh, young, the moment seize
With time, a strength and steadiness
for both comfort and to please
Now a final burst of colour
springing forth despite unease
But from all the pain and heartache
my soul shrivels up and leaves.

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[ this is my response to Pooky’s Poetry Prompt 23 – One Word Title ]

Spiral Poem.

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[Pooky’s Poetry Prompt 13 – No Punctuation. Something I do a lot of, using line breaks to define my phrasing. So time to try something a little different and seeing as the poem’s theme is round and round I chose to spiral my words. There is a certain rhyming phrasing to this, but there are other meanings to phrases depending on where you pause! ]

and for those that have difficulty with the physical or mental contortion required to read this poem her is the raw text…

Round and round we go again been here before we’ll do it again are you aware of these circular patterns do you even care every time it happens I’m wounded over and over until emotions bled out nothing left to kill hollow and lifeless are all that remain but still fighting to make a new life from the shame