Disrupted & Recovered.

Sometimes the sadness comes and I feel overwhelmed. Wanting to focus on positives, wanting to feel the desire to work in the office. Nothing but a rushing undercurrent of sadness that sweeps support out from under me, and I’m left floundering amidst the turbulence.

Perchance I come across a four minute Tibetan bowl meditation, which leads to a Tibetan Healing soundtrack that begins to clear the negative energy around me. Tired from the experience, I want to jump into work lest I fall asleep in recovery. But energy levels aren’t high enough yet, motivation hasn’t raised yet. Feels like emotional purgatory. Suspended between what was and what could be. Transition space.

Focussing in to myself, I listening for what is raising up behind the internal commotion. It is difficult to hear what I do not understand. Searching for an inner truth.

So I pause within this moment. Writing words to tease out meaning. Hoping for the unknown to reveal itself within the placement of letters and spaces projected from my brain.

Sometimes the inner space communicates this way. Sometimes I am left wondering what is happening at these times. Is my brain simply responding to an unusual combination of body chemicals, hormones, nervous system signals, and perceived stimulus? Is there a greater spiritual understanding? Are there soul energies interacting beyond our general perception?

In the end, the music carries me further forwards than my cognitive or emotional understandings can. The gentle flow of chord progressions moves my mind, my awareness, to a new place. A safe place of positivity. A place of hope.

Sad News…

It is with a heavy heart that I share the passing away of a great contributor to the WordPress community here. Tricia Bertram died peacefully in her sleep Thursday night. She was a great supporter of other writers and particularly anyone struggling with grief, like I was when we first connected here. 

She had been battling with worsening health over the past year. As sad a day as it was for me today, I am comforted knowing that in some way her spirit will once again be with the two special men in her life, her beloved son and her husband.

At this stage I believe there will be a funeral in Melbourne around the end of this week coming. I will be flying from interstate to attend, and I hope to be able to pass on any words from those who knew her.

Such a caring person. She shared her support as much as possible.



Loneliness hits out of the blue
Suddenly no one else is around
And my planned human interactions have not eventuated
Reaching out to others,
Thinking that is what I need,
But is it?
Simple human contact just pushes aside the feelings
What do I really long for?
What am I settling for on a daily basis,
That leaves me so empty and longing?


“I just wish all the lonely people could get together and realise how not alone they are.”


[ more detail on my interpretation of loneliness 27 August 2014 ]

This Head, This Heart, This body.


I slept through the night
And through the morning
Moved out to the lounge
And my body kept on dragging me to sleep

I drank a glass of water
While deliriously stumbling
Through the house
Changing rooms with a body half asleep

I ate some lunch
By necessity
Brought home to me
Sat in a comfy chair for a while
Though my brain was barely registering awake

I slept through the afternoon
Full of half conscious dreaming
Immobile in bed
While I wondered if this sleep grew from my head

No caring, hardly any thoughts
Can anyone rescue me
As energy abandons me
A sadness river flowing quietly inside of me

Helpless to help myself
What sort of existence is this
Am I hiding, or recharging
Or just run down from pushing myself
to interact with others when I just want to sleep

Without others I feel nothing
Some people don’t even register
But friends and strangers both connect with me
Insert some meaning into an otherwise blank
Existence of uncertainty

(19 January 2015)

Paying The Price.

Dark thoughts say
I don’t think we should have gone this way
You made a mistake
Now we all have to pay

Someone always pays
For rights and for wrongs
I don’t care what you say
Now we all have to pay

Swift judgement to slay
No compassion any day
Everyone looks this way
Now we all have to pay

(14 November 2014)

Message Failure.

Nerve wracking
Seeing pain
Watching struggle
Inner conflict again

How to support

Why is it so difficult to accept support
A compliment
A kind word?
From others
(And from myself)

She told me
“We are still here,
even when it’s hard to feel or believe”
If I can just hang onto that thought
There is a chance I will survive

Veins of Sadness.

Grief with sadness
Leaks out in small flows
as it needs to

There is no great dam to burst
and let it all gush out

it is so completely infused into me
that only small traces
can seep out at a time
transude through the rest of me
So as not to rip out
the very fibre
of who I am

So comfort me
and accompany me
but never push or force