I Remember.

I remember times when just getting up out of bed
was foremost on my mind
and the biggest struggle of my day.
I remember times curled up with undiagnosed pain,
when I wanted to die,
when I hated myself for being this way.

I remember times when I could get up,
could get out of the house;
yet my head would spin,
and focus and comprehension were distant lands,
long journeys away.

I remember not crying through most of this,
because that felt like weakness when I needed to be strong.

I remember needing someone close to me,
needing someone to sit with me and be present.
Not to fix, not to suggest I am broken,
just to keep the loneliness at bay and
to bring positive energy into my day.

And I remember rarely receiving that.
I remember not having those people around me
and not knowing how to ask for it.

I remember alone, pain, hatred, depression,
and all the physical manifestations of a life in turmoil.

I remember Stars in the night. ✩
I remember pouring my heart into words,
flinging those words into the dark sky and
watching them match up with the results of others’ efforts.

I remember seeing out there;
words – with emotions,
that became faces, that
reached out to me, that
helped make sense out of it all.

I remember their souls
their energy, compassion, and love
some now faded, some drifted away,
some still flickering – as my light did for so long.

And I am blessed
to have lived through this all
to have been present through it all
and felt every fucking feeling that life has to offer.

Now…
I see this knowledge and understanding,
an integral part of me,
a gift I am able to share with others
As my light shines bright, once more,
for myself, and for those I connect with.

This life exists most wholly
with those whose paths cross mine
For minutes, or days, or months.
And in those moments I am brightest
in those moments I shine and
share the warmth that glows in my heart.

Silver Linings – Day 8.

“Sun Through Flesh”

Todays photo is of the sun shining through the thin skin where my fingers join my hand. This is as close as I can get to what I see when I close my eyes and let the sunshine directly onto my eyelids.

There are a few components to today’s attentiveness.

One is the joy and calm I get from standing with my face into the sun. Letting the warmth soak into me, it brings forth good feelings. It brings forth memories of a child sitting on a metal swing at home, under the grapevine covered pergola, eyes closed and watching the dappled sun shapes play across my eyelids. Warmth. Movement.

What exactly is it in the magic of sunlight through leaves flickering across your face?

Today is, again, also about good friends who check in with me. Check on my focus for the day, seeing if I need assistance. So I had reason to pull myself out of bed earlier than I would otherwise. I had focus to get myself up and off to work. And all this self care meant that when I looked inward to see how I was feeling, and a strong negativity was apparent, I was able to maintain the self care and focus on energy and positives of moving forwards. Giving no mind to darker feelings.

A shift in focus. Motivation and strength to do so from being accountable to friends who show they care with communication.

And today is about feedback. About other writers letting me know when they appreciate my words. Telling me they are inspired to act in their own lives from reading of mine.

And all I am doing is sharing myself. Sharing through words. So if this can make a difference in other’s lives, even in some small way, then I will stay true to myself. Following wherever my own inspiration leads.

You see, today’s silver lining is also visible on other’s clouds. They are connected together. And that is something I never would have imagined occurring.

Illumination.

Every
one of
you
who
has ever
ever
commented on
my writing
has made
a difference
for me
A positive
difference
that
little
by little
has been
dragging me
out of
the dark
hole
into a
more
illuminated space
where
I am
once again
feeling
who I am
remembering
what living is
and
thinking
right now
that maybe
just
maybe
everything
will
eventually
be
okay.

20140410-123922.jpg[manipulated photo by me.]