Right in The Moment.

Of Love and Loss

And suddenly the world shifted
Not in any way catastrophic
Rather, I was here – and –
suddenly I was on the other side.

Different view, different environment
Seeing a completely different picture
But complementary and linked.

And the choice was in that moment
Walk this way in this new place
Leave everything else behind
But fear and hesitation pulled at me
And I found myself back
Where I knew the lay of the land
Where all the uncomfortableness
Felt safe.

Secure feelings within my own prison.

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Who am I?

The Trigger Story:
I was fortunate to attend a most wonderful wedding in the Adelaide Hills town of Hahndorf on Sunday. A garden wedding at the Bride’s parent’s house, with a long garden down to a dry creek, locks of green grass and shady trees. Perfect weather, warm, sunny with a light breeze. The perfect location for everyone to relax, barefoot on picnic rugs and cushions, with local wine and shared food platters.

I enjoyed the time catching up with my wife’s work colleagues, who I know quite well after a number of years, as well as the Groom’s brothers and friends. Meeting and talking with the familiar faces and a bunch of awesome new acquaintances. It was, for me, the perfect day to relax and the best wedding guest experience I have ever had and I heard a number of people express similar sentiments.

As a whole I had very good personal experiences from Friday night right through to Sunday evening. Experiences that reinforced positive aspects of myself and my vision for how I want life to be.

The following writing is what came out over the weekend from my myriad of experiences. It seeped out through my pores and presented itself secretly and boldly to me. It is very significant and I am unsure how to hold onto this revealed truth and keep it as the realest part of me.

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The Poem:
Occasionally I see the me
That I know I am wholeheartedly
That feels real and genuinely
The uncomplicated and free
Person that I wish to be.

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The Clear Thoughts:
I want to have people close around me that understand me or at least don’t belittle me, accept me without criticism, encourage me and question me in ways that propel me forwards. I want people around me that have my best interests at heart without any selfishness or ulterior motives.

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20150302-225805.jpgMy hat, my shoes, my bare foot, my glass of local sparkling Pinot Noir Rosé, the grass and other’s picnic blankets.

My Journey Planner.

I look ahead with positivity
Focussing on the outcome I want
Sweeping others along with me
And yet I stumble, tripped up
by them not sharing my vision
not understanding where I am headed
Propelled by my energy
But held back in their own fears
Holding me back with their hesitancy
Because I thought I needed company
on this adventure.
Now I know,
I can do this on my own
and if they won’t share the energy
I need to continue on
Without hesitation
And perhaps find along the way
like-minded, compatible energies

Why I Do.

I write for myself
to exorcise the demons
to pry open the feelings that eat away at me

I write for myself
to express my emotions
to find clarity in the confusion of my thoughts

I write for myself
to hear a sane voice
for analysis of all that isn’t truly me

I write for myself
to feel free and
to voice the words that really are of me

I write for myself
for the joy of it
to create something new and unique

I write for myself
inspiration breeds inspiration
and my future relies on this source of growth

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[ last line edited, three words added ]

All In My Head.

I may be overly tired
From helping out at my Mum’s today
when I would have rather slept the day away
And making dinner
when I really wanted to curl up and hide away
But I think tonight
The tiredness clears my vision
through the usual obstacles I put up myself
And for this moment at least
I see…

In my head
is where this all comes from
today’s anxiety
tonight’s melancholy
I create the thoughts
and perpetuate the feelings
I cling to these pains
these dramas
I justify my response to perceived wrongs
I blame others for perceived inaction to help me
I look at myself and find fault with who I am
But none of this helps me
I continue this distressing journey of restriction and pain
because it is all I know
Ever since childhood
Pain, loneliness, abandonment, unloved
Despite wanting to feel otherwise
Despite seeing what really living is
Despite knowing what I want
I have no experience of living free
unburdened
unbound
unrestricted
These are foreign concepts to my understanding
How can I imagine them
and make them materialise
How to manifest my dreams
when nightmares rule my mind
Always running
fleeing
needing to escape
but never managing any more
than just staying out of reach of the sinister
scary
threatening
behind me
yet constantly
filling my vision
I need a healthier mental focus
an image that fills me with hope and love
propels me forward
I need a sight of unusual beauty
to capture my imagination
to inspire me to greatness
to bring out the real me
That is cowering in this cave
unsure
uncertain
unnecessarily shy
Interpreting the questioning looks of others
as disapproval
when they were actually stunned
by the power within the person before them
unsure
not having seen quite like this before
As so many looked on
with rose-coloured glasses
The opposite pair
were shielding my eyes
darkening my vision
restricting my view
until
too few
good thoughts
came through

Time to
renew
Clean through
the old you
Begin anew
There is nothing to undo
Just attend to
creating the view
that you know is you

Blessings.

Thankyou for pointing out
what I fail to see
So often I am blinded
by innate negativity
Looking at myself
and what I manage to do
My brain chooses the missing
and the unsuccessful view
Though with your input
and the kindness of friends
I catch glimpses of achievement
through the positive lens
So while my words have reached you
with a quiet message to remind
This sharing is most important
to maintain my balanced mind

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[ written after receiving encouraging words from imperfectionperfectionist ]

What Is There To See?

1.
I used to see everything so clearly
Now I don’t see much at all
Liar

2.
I was blind to so much
Still struggling to comprehend what happens around me
I see it all, but most of it means nothing to me

3.
Moments of clear vision
Rare and fleeting
Surrounded by fog

4.
In blindness
You rely on others so much
for guidance and comprehension

5.
If I could see my future
Would I be paralysed
or energised?

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[ my loose response to Pooky’s Poetry Prompt 51 – Loss of sense ]

Who Are You?

Often
When I look at myself
From outside
While feeling how I do –
I see my brother.
The positive,
charming, funny
friendly person I remember
and admired.
Not the tangled in depression
for years, struggling
person that is there now.
Maybe I am becoming
what he was
and he is becoming
what I was.
Always
underneath the struggle –
is what you are
Your true core,
Don’t let the surface
define the whole being,
In vision, motivation –
Stay true to you.

20140618-194306-70986700.jpg

You Are More Than Just Your Pain and Shame.

I am more than this
these feelings
these words in my face
that block my vision
and shroud me in disgrace

I am more than this
Today is the opposite
of what I want my life to be
Today is pain, regret and shame
wrapped up in misery

I am more than this
Today is blindness
and I have no hope to see
The different doors the paths
waiting just there for me

I am more than this
Be my eyes of hope
and see for me today
Remind me there is more out there
For perseverance to pay

I have been told
I am more than this
I will listen