R U OK? Day 2017.

R U OK?

I saw the evidence in my social media feed. This annual day focussing on mental health had arrived again. Nobody was asking me directly, so I asked myself,
“aRe yoU OKay?”

And my response was a little uncertain, but mostly a “Yes.”
Maintaining a positive focus, one of my newer skills. 🙂

I’d been seeing memory posts in my social media feed, “on this day” from a year ago. And each day it didn’t look good. There was much pain 12 months ago. Mental anguish, also manifesting in physical illness. And I could see it so clearly now, looking back with experience, with compassion. Seeing clearly what was going on then.

And now, not wanting to look back too much. Not wanting to see so much pain, to be reminded of what I’d been through, because it’s still raw there, I’m still healing there.

But reflection is a good action. With a positive focus, it is helpful and enlightening. 

But it hasn’t been that way for most of my life. Only just realising that my self-improvement had often been a vehicle for self-admonishment. A finding-and-fixing attitude often fed a destructive force of self-criticism.

I presume that came from my father. His black and white attitude to right and wrong coupled with strict religious beliefs, was a recipe for harsh parenting that I learned early on. And now battle with today. Possibly the last haunting vestige of my past (well, that I have identified anyway) – (see what I did there?!)

So at the end of this year’s R U OK day, I know I’m in a far better mental place than previously. Far better than for many years. There are gaps, there is still work to do. I am learning to accept present me, be understanding with past me, be patient with future me, mostly just learning to be.

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Falling into a Moment.

Today, is just as times before. When I feel the pain of another’s story, long after my ears have heard. When I remember back to my own journeys through the pain of chronic ill-health. And the mental anguish of being unable to function for days, weeks, months. The self-imposed stresses. The very real stress of maintaining a relationship whilst unable to maintain yourself. Being unable to work, unable to generate income, unable to meet deadlines.
Unable. Disable. Needing more enable, but those days were rare.
I have known defeat, suffering, struggle, and loss. Somehow I have found my way out of those depths and stand here today.

.

Pain reaches forwards
Up from the past
Clutching and dragging me
Back
Fearing all that
Now, as then

And I tell myself right now
These are emotional ghosts
They have no power over me
Except that which I give them.
Though I feel unsteady, unsafe
My comfort lies in others
Asking for help
Accepting supportive hands
Belief in my own inner strength.
These are my tools
With these now I survive
And prepare to thrive once more
This is my hope, my truth.

Restrained Teardrops.

Tears of sadness and joy

For the loss of a part of me that I held close for so long

That was integral to my being and yet never served me well

Since some long ago defence response initiated its activity

And now I let it go, simply no longer needed, simply

Never to be a part of my life again

Loss and Joy combined

Bittersweet tears sat behind my eyes, until

Your words brought clarity to my attention

I sit now, within the truth, feeling

Tears of sadness and joy

.

.

Tell me: What have you given up, that hurt?

Right in The Moment.

Of Love and Loss

And suddenly the world shifted
Not in any way catastrophic
Rather, I was here – and –
suddenly I was on the other side.

Different view, different environment
Seeing a completely different picture
But complementary and linked.

And the choice was in that moment
Walk this way in this new place
Leave everything else behind
But fear and hesitation pulled at me
And I found myself back
Where I knew the lay of the land
Where all the uncomfortableness
Felt safe.

Secure feelings within my own prison.

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Always Ever Again.

The mind twists and turns
Time becomes irrelevant
As past and present are wrapped around each other
Likenesses attract and similarities stick
Now is then and what was, is
How old am I in this moment ?
Determined by the wavelength of an emotional echo
Did I recreate this reality ?
Unalterable universal forces pull together quantum moments

(15 January 2015)

A Child Of Yesterday.

There was a place
Where it all began
But that was so long ago
That now could be forever away
from the start –
Another lifetime altogether

Memories of the past
As if just yesterday
Indelible influence

Present presence
Straining against time
Running out of the now

There was
There is
What will there be?

I can imagine
Freedom
Through these chains
As meaningless possibilities
Futility calls me out
And I die
just a little more

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[ This is me getting deeper into my head, than perhaps I ever have before. I am still grasping for answers. So if the words mean something to you, please share with a comment below ]

Missing Punctuation ( )

I read your words
they propelled me along
there is no full stop
I don’t want this to stop
there is no resolution
no finality
it will just keep going on
always moving along
pushing
running
away from behind me
scared of what was there at the start
how can I catch my breath when I’m always running
running away with you

 

[Oh Natalie, you have shone light on that which was hidden and once again sparked my inspiration]