Too Much Like My Dad.

Looking for answers to My health issues. Trying to find anything that might resolve or improve this situation I find my body and mind struggling with.

Then my mental negativity kicked in and made some connections to my father.

I’ve turned 50 this year. I’ve been really struggling with my health for 3 to 4 months before that and again now afterwards (interrupted only by a 3 week holiday from my Wintery home to the tropics).

And I wondered what my Dad’s life was like at this age. He turned 50 a year after I left home, a year and a bit after Mum left with my siblings. So he would have felt his life was a complete mess, he would have been very angry and hurtful/hateful. I know that’s how he was in the little contact I had with him over the next few years. I know he had a new partner to help him out at home (he needed physical assistance with his own damaged body).

So he was nearly 49 when his family left him. They left because he drove them away. His brain damage and physical injuries from a motorbike accident just over 5 years prior left him in a terrible physical and mental state for which he received little support. But he became even more negatively reacting to his family, even more critical and eventually resorted to threatening and actuating physical violence against Mum who was only trying to look after 5 children.

48 (a few months short of 49) when his life crashed apart.

I finally left my marriage aged 48-and-a-bit. I walked away from another relationship aged 49-and-a-bit. I’ve turned 50 and one of the single most significant parts of my life, my job and livelihood, feels like it’s been a mess for more than the past year.

Is that coincidence, is that linked? Maybe it’s nothing and yet maybe it’s something I need to work out – somehow.

Working through this is a big hurt of realisation. It’s an exhausting trawl through dark murky emotions and scary possibilities. I want to find some brightness somewhere, I need to find some hope in all this. I need to know that somehow this will all work out for the better. I’m living off vapours and reserves now that won’t last much longer. I want to move forwards. I want to sort out work life and be excited for possibilities, instead of dreading the entanglements that I’m struggling to sort out.

I don’t know where to start or what to do. Tonight I am scared. But tomorrow I step forwards.

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So Much Feels Like Nothing.x

So much
feels like nothing

Where is worthiness?
My own significance is invisible to me.

Other tells me what they see,
what they feel about me

And mostly it is meaningless
to me.

This dis-ease is a disease

The nothingness slowly eats away
at whatever was there before

I feel nothing now
except a hollow emptiness
That I attempt to describe
to exorcise it from my being

But the process is incomplete

It is an unearthing
an exposing
only

Not remediation.

I know its not right

Yet I don’t know how to deny
the lies.

.

[ 18 June 2018 ]

Digging for Well.

Some days there is no trusting myself

Questioning the reasoning behind my behaviouring

Doubting the truth of my feelings of love

Thinking my relationship needs are met

Only after carefully crafted expression

Because someone in my past accused me of that

Even if that claimant was reacting to their own fears

And knowing that is not my intent

Ever

That I strive for truth and honesty

In all that I seek or do.

Yet I understand there is possibility

That my little cracked heart

Still has some healing to fully restore feeling

To a level of understanding and completeness

That not everyone manages to achieve

So I wonder if

Despite my best efforts

I do love as transparently as I hope

Do I reciprocate as honestly as I believe?

And the awareness of that questioning

The self digging and uncovering undertaken

Reassures me that I am doing the best I can

Within these moments certainty answers back

“You are doing well”.

Hidden Restriction.

The trouble with long term illness,
hidden illness,
is that you start to doubt yourself.
Continuous exposure to exhaustion
and loss of concentration,
makes being non-functional
become the norm.
Then when thinking about the future,
becoming particularly cautious
about what is manageable.
Underselling myself.
Setting me up
to under-perform
and later feel bad about
my level of accomplishment.

(28 June 2015)

One Relationship for Two.

Today I realised

How much I know about her

And just how little I know about her

What she shares about herself

And just what she never lets out


Twenty one years on

And today it hits me

How much I have tried to know her

And just how little she has ever revealed

How much she hides herself away


Today I realised

A relationship is about growing together

Giving into and taking hold of each other intimately

Not just holding hands and talking

But losing yourselves in each other

Just the way that hasn’t happened

Twenty one years on

 
.

 
[ those of you with long-term relationship experience, what are your thoughts on the depth of a relationship? ]

I Remember Touch.

When doubts assail me
When I feel even further away
from the person closest to me
When I struggle with my own
mental physical feedback interactions
Life goes quiet
Tries to lock me away in isolation
To punish me or to send me mad
Keep sharp objects away from me
don’t let me near that ledge
I need hands to wrap around me tight
To hold me secure and safe
in comfort and love
To remind me that I mean something
when I feel like nothing
Convince me that I matter
When all I see
is the blank space where I used to be
Walk through it and feel nothing
because I’m curled up over here
a tiny ball in the dark corner
Out of harm’s way
out of everyone’s way
Pull me into the light
Let it warm me while you soothe me
Keep me company
A touch to remember.

Then Comes Hope.

When there is nothing
Nothing left to feel
When the pain has dragged
Dragged away anything you long for
When your life feels barren
Barren of all meaning
When you doubt
Doubt anything beautiful will ever exist again
There comes hope
Hope for experiencing beauty one day
Hope to find lushness and meaning
Hope to feel anything positive
Hope for a life you can hang onto

20140609-124352.jpg
[ Monirul Islam’s Hope Comes and Goes Away ]

.

[ sparked by Chantelle Garvin’s poem, Hope ]

The Here and Now Struggle.

When your concentration scatters
you can’t focus on what matters
a ring of pressure surrounds your head
throat is sore and dry and red
sense familiar dread proclivity
of all thoughts to negativity
pack it in and head to home
where you’ll dread being alone
want to scream and thrash about
your whole existence is in doubt

Now can’t bear to face tomorrow
fear continuation of sorrow
even put off going to bed
strong painkillers want for head
close my eyes and focus here
on this moment right now clear
put aside all future worry
for a precious minute clarity
could you feel that way more often
then the painful days would soften

===

[not letting a mild migraine and spaced out day stop me from NaPoWriMo participation, used it as my inspiration instead.]

Despise/Despair.

When you’ve been in pain
for so long
Can’t work out how to fix
what’s wrong
Doubting you have the strength
to carry on
Will you see the dawn break
or night continue strong
There is no comfort, it seems
nowhere you belong
Hear not the words of others
single voice nor throng
Feel nothing outside of self
misery’s siren song
Draws you in deep
nothing feels wrong
There is only one hope, soon
the end will come along