The Horizon of Desire.

My desires feed a deep place inside
Not dark, for this shall be revealed with those who choose to ask, those who choose the closeness

Hunger grows and searches for equally matched desire
There is no boundary between physical and mental intimacy
I simply crave the deepest sharing and connection
And the decision to partake is valid only for the space the energy occupies

While relationships constantly change, acknowledgement and respect remain the vanguard of this new reality

My responsibility is to be better than we’ve ever been before
To set an example of the best a human can be

Deciding on true equality, true out-in-the-open honesty and integrity
This is to what I give my consent.


[ inspired by the words of Laurie Penny. ]


Love Challenges.

You said I needed to make up my mind
When I make it up every day
But following through with those decisions is where I fall down.
I want some*thing*
But I also want to help others enjoy life
And some*times* I let that over-ride my own feelings.
Did you ever consider my feelings?
Did we ever talk about how I really felt underneath the surface?
We all want to be happy
So how do we blend our own happiness with those around us?
How do we all sit together in peace, and love,
feeling connected and supportive of each other?
Perhaps the challenge is overcoming our own pride
Perhaps when we start seeing others as equally important
and equally worthy of our consideration and energy
Perhaps then we will all feel it –
The collective human energy that we desire
An equal focus on ourselves and others
An equal tolerance for ourselves as for others
This works for me, and,
just maybe it is what we all needed to hear.

[ 15 August 2017 ]

Without Judgement.

[ original photo by @xisarahix on instagram ]

Realising this morning that I’ve been sitting in fear these past weeks. 

I’ve been fighting it, resisting it, trying so hard to be right. 

Worrying about long-term relationships; about the new and subtly about the past. 

Through all the “what ifs” “shoulds” and “was I right?” I found a place this morning. A little bit of comfort, perhaps some resolution, and definitely a way forward from here. 

From 13th Century philosopher Rumi:
“Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field – I’ll meet you there.”

This is the place where I will sit down, to spend some time, to talk through my life with other humans. 

Because the biggest gift I can grant myself, and the biggest gift anyone else can give me right now, is to sit (with me) and consider my life so far – without judgement.

Up Late, Away From You.

You said
It’s nice when my bunny’s tuckled up next to me.
I know you feel that way, and
I would join you there more often
But you rarely give me reason to
When it’s late and you try to coax me to bed
It feels as if you are using your words
to manipulate and shame me into compliance
And I push back against that
Reject it
So you feel my rejection
But don’t realise your contribution.
I know you are “naturally” grumpy when you are tired
But not ever talking levelly with me about these situations
or making the effort to discuss, at a suitable time
Doesn’t satisfy my need for full communication.
And putting up with your
Badgering or belittling me
With words or tone of voice
Leaves me colder and more frustrated
More unloved and ignored
Than before.
I know you are making an effort
to be gentler and more supportive to me
And I recognise that occurrence
But I’m caught in years and years
And years and my own tears of this
Regular repeated negativity
So understand if I struggle to detect the difference
that tonight’s attitude contained
And I still wonder why you never tried love
Or at least honey coating it
To get me to do what you want
Or endeavoured to understand
What’s going on for me
When I choose my time, late, alone
Or need to write out my thoughts
after coming to bed;
When I choose to be
up late, away from you.

Revealing Feelings.


[ poetry inspired by this photo from Kylie Parks ]


Be sad
Be happy
Be however you feel
Forget the masks that you are compelled to wear
Be who you are at the moment
Honest and open
Let others ask
Let them know and really respond
Let us all be a little more honest
With ourselves
and each other

This Body.

This complete mind body
Trapping me here
In exhaustion and sleep
I heard it slip out
“Triggered by anger”
But not willing to reveal
I accept and understand
Therefore it is my choice
To be here, my decisions
Are responsible
To keep the peace, on one hand
Leaves the other side in turmoil
My body is saying
“There is no peace”
Right now
Not acknowledging this
Perpetuates the battle
Raging hidden in me
The honest way forward
Is to reveal the carnage
Open up to peace negotiations
And not count the cost
Just find the way to end it
Without further casualties


[ Today, after two days of mind/body exhaustion and struggle, writing it out to survive, I listened to myself and heard the quiet answer. The guidance I need. ]

Alone in Pain.

No one understands me
No one gets what I’m trying to communicate during a struggle day
It frustrates and angers me
Pushes me to feel more alone than before

And why would they?
No one has the same experiences as or thinks like me
And I don’t know what else is going on in their head at this time
If they don’t respond appropriately to what I am communicating
Then maybe I haven’t articulated myself as well as I think

It’s easy to use broad statements
“I want to end it all”
“I can’t bear this pain any longer”
It’s much harder to find the mediated, sensible thoughts
That still convey what is happening within me
That have the most chance of others understanding
That convey the depth and breadth of my struggle


[ while I was writing this I came across the words below from last year, which directly connected with the now ]

Some days I want nothing more
than to be

To know I’m not alone
in my pain

(30 June 2014)

Too Many Contradictions.

She knows how to look after me when I’m unwell
But doesn’t know how to love me when I have energy
She wants me to love her as she is
Yet her actions belittle and don’t support me
She says she will change
and is uncomfortable with any suggestion of change
She likes to talk with me
But shies away from the depth of conversation I need
She wants to have new experiences
But balks at anything that may contain uncomfortableness for her
She wants to know what I like
But rarely presents any understanding of what I tell her
She wants me to love her gently
But my passion is either too strong for her,
or too depleted from lack of her response
She lets me go free
But then unexpectedly pulls me back
My heart is torn and twisted and turned around
so much that I don’t know how to love her anymore

(3-4 April 2015)

Unsettlingly Quiet.

Holding back the rage
Don’t act out
Despite feeling out-of-sorts
We have to try and schedule a time
That suits her
To talk about that note I wrote
Two days ago
To talk about my feelings
As if they can just sit there
Waiting to be tended to
Without whimpering in the cold
Or growling
At every opportunity that passes by

(23 March 2015)