Up Late, Away From You.

You said
It’s nice when my bunny’s tuckled up next to me.
I know you feel that way, and
I would join you there more often
But you rarely give me reason to
When it’s late and you try to coax me to bed
It feels as if you are using your words
to manipulate and shame me into compliance
And I push back against that
Reject it
So you feel my rejection
But don’t realise your contribution.
I know you are “naturally” grumpy when you are tired
But not ever talking levelly with me about these situations
or making the effort to discuss, at a suitable time
Doesn’t satisfy my need for full communication.
And putting up with your
Badgering or belittling me
With words or tone of voice
Leaves me colder and more frustrated
More unloved and ignored
Than before.
I know you are making an effort
to be gentler and more supportive to me
And I recognise that occurrence
But I’m caught in years and years
And years and my own tears of this
Regular repeated negativity
So understand if I struggle to detect the difference
that tonight’s attitude contained
And I still wonder why you never tried love
Or at least honey coating it
To get me to do what you want
Or endeavoured to understand
What’s going on for me
When I choose my time, late, alone
Or need to write out my thoughts
after coming to bed;
When I choose to be
up late, away from you.

Revealing Feelings.

20150527-230927.jpg

[ poetry inspired by this photo from Kylie Parks ]

.

Be sad
Be happy
Be however you feel
Forget the masks that you are compelled to wear
Be who you are at the moment
Honest and open
Let others ask
Let them know and really respond
Let us all be a little more honest
With ourselves
and each other

This Body.

This complete mind body
Trapping me here
In exhaustion and sleep
I heard it slip out
“Triggered by anger”
But not willing to reveal
I accept and understand
Therefore it is my choice
To be here, my decisions
Are responsible
To keep the peace, on one hand
Leaves the other side in turmoil
My body is saying
“There is no peace”
Right now
Not acknowledging this
Perpetuates the battle
Raging hidden in me
The honest way forward
Is to reveal the carnage
Open up to peace negotiations
And not count the cost
Just find the way to end it
Without further casualties

.

[ Today, after two days of mind/body exhaustion and struggle, writing it out to survive, I listened to myself and heard the quiet answer. The guidance I need. ]

Alone in Pain.

No one understands me
No one gets what I’m trying to communicate during a struggle day
It frustrates and angers me
Pushes me to feel more alone than before

And why would they?
No one has the same experiences as or thinks like me
And I don’t know what else is going on in their head at this time
If they don’t respond appropriately to what I am communicating
Then maybe I haven’t articulated myself as well as I think

It’s easy to use broad statements
“I want to end it all”
“I can’t bear this pain any longer”
It’s much harder to find the mediated, sensible thoughts
That still convey what is happening within me
That have the most chance of others understanding
That convey the depth and breadth of my struggle

.

[ while I was writing this I came across the words below from last year, which directly connected with the now ]

Some days I want nothing more
than to be
understood

To know I’m not alone
in my pain

(30 June 2014)

Too Many Contradictions.

She knows how to look after me when I’m unwell
But doesn’t know how to love me when I have energy
She wants me to love her as she is
Yet her actions belittle and don’t support me
She says she will change
and is uncomfortable with any suggestion of change
She likes to talk with me
But shies away from the depth of conversation I need
She wants to have new experiences
But balks at anything that may contain uncomfortableness for her
She wants to know what I like
But rarely presents any understanding of what I tell her
She wants me to love her gently
But my passion is either too strong for her,
or too depleted from lack of her response
She lets me go free
But then unexpectedly pulls me back
My heart is torn and twisted and turned around
so much that I don’t know how to love her anymore

(3-4 April 2015)

Unsettlingly Quiet.

Holding back the rage
Don’t act out
Despite feeling out-of-sorts
We have to try and schedule a time
That suits her
To talk about that note I wrote
Two days ago
To talk about my feelings
As if they can just sit there
Waiting to be tended to
Without whimpering in the cold
Or growling
At every opportunity that passes by

(23 March 2015)

Hurtful Harshness.

Communication ceases
Talking is minimised
As I fear reprisal
For my brokenness

You lash back
When I am confused and
Struggling to understand
Asking you to repeat
Or rephrase

That was no criticism
Of your speech
Just clarification sought
From a mind hearing so much
That filtering out your words
Is sometimes a struggle

(7 January 2015)

Shifting States.

Arguing
Being right
Blame
Regret
Doubt
Shame
It’s all a big game
That no one wins

Step outside of all that
Shift your thoughts
to a higher level
Bring a new awareness
A wider perspective
Consider
“what is the situation trying to show me”
And ask yourself
“what’s the gift here for me NOW in this very moment?”

You will see
dramatic changes
if you are open to them

(21 November 2014)

The Long-Distance Emails.

Half a world away
Travelling in a different hemisphere
electronic communication resumes…

I wrote about creating a positive vision forwards
Just focussing on that
amidst all the tribulation

“Find your beauty” she said
And my immediate response was
“I am sifting through all the ugliness at the moment”

Then I thought that ugliness is subjective
My thoughts are moving along
away from my inherent negativity

“Perhaps there is beauty in your struggle?” she said
Yes. I feel the truth in that
even though I don’t see it clearly yet

Perhaps what I am surrounded by
is more beautiful and has more meaning
than I ever imagined before