Surfacing Trauma.

So uncomfortable
With the world going crazy
With people going crazy around me
Rational people acting irrationally
Contributing to the global panic & disorder

Today it all triggered painful memories

My father ranting at the dinner table
About what is wrong with the government
About what is wrong with certain people
All contributing to this global problem
Angry ranting that should never have been
in front of a young child, a family
Unable to escape from the dining table
Unable to understand or process this all
Anger directed at others
Sometimes directed at his family
Self-justified idealist

Trauma pain

For a child that didn’t understand
Such strong emotions were terrifying
To be avoided at all costs
Never discussed
Never explained meaningfully

Locked away and bottled away
Smouldering and eating away
Maybe today is time to heal a little more
Time to feel the pain and let it go
Finally supported
Finally understood
Finally strong enough to feel the hurt
to process, to understand
Letting go of darkness
A wholeness of light
To begin this new phase of being more

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Here and Now; from Before.

I remember mid high-school. My bassoon teacher being upset and teary. I later found out it was because she separated from her husband. But at the time I didn’t understand such things. I thought she was upset because I had done something wrong. I didn’t know what I could do for her to feel better.

When I think back to that time, I’m not sure whether I blamed myself for how she was feeling, or whether I was just so connected to her upset that I felt all her emotions too. Or something in between, or something else. I don’t think I had much understanding of relationships at that time. Home was unhappy with Dad being so unreasonable for a number of years. Maybe I could only react to everything around me; not being equipped to manage my own emotions, never being taught, rarely having any good examples. I watched others, and I picked up some cues from my brother; but it was more of an aspiring to be like that, than developing an understanding. And I think about some of my peers then; those who were working part time to support themselves, those who were out having multiple relationships, while I was still trying to get a hang of feeling and trying to understand my own sexual awareness alongside my shyness and lack of confidence.

Where am I now? I’m proud of how I’ve grown; of how I’ve gained significant understanding of myself during my adult years. Within my current relationship, I’ve gained a great understanding of how my own energy interacts with others, particularly with females. I’m learning more how to control the gifting of my energy to the world around me; when to hold back and when to let it out. I feel that I made some poor relationship choices in the few years before this current stable and supportive one. And yet I know during that time I was doing what I thought I needed to, to experience life in a new way, to experience relationships in a new way.

Where am I now? I am actively working to greater understanding of myself; developing greater compassion for myself; and growing in a positive direction (as I always have).

Where am I now? I am in a positive, supportive relationship with my soul-mate. I made my way here through positive choices. Through the brave choices of leaving (two) relationships that weren’t right for me. I was courageous and intelligent enough to decide what was best for me. I was fearful then, and yet I acted in love for my own well-being. I’ve always cared for myself, and that is why I am where I am today. That is why I am writing these thoughts out in this moment – self care; love for who I am, for who I was, and for who I will be. Doing the best I know how, endeavouring to help myself in the best way possible.

I know logically that I deserve this self-support. And yet I am aware that there is a component of fear driving me. Fear of feeling lost, fear of feeling abandoned and unloved. Some negative core beliefs persist; and these are my current challenge.

Am I worthy? Right now I can feel worthy of love, worthy of brilliant supportive friendships. And I also know that often I don’t feel that way. The dark hole of depression and self-loathing. A brain that functions differently in small ways, that leaves me hiding away from the world, self-isolating. It’s not healthy, and perhaps I can learn how to better deal with those times, how to manage them and ask for the help I need when I really need it.

I’m proud of my choice of friends. I’m proud of my choice of relationships, of my choice of life partner. I still remember that time years ago I decided to grow my friend circle, for my benefit. And now I see fruition of that decision. I now have around me the type of friends that I envisaged. I made this happen, for myself, for my benefit. To live a full and enjoyable life. To be a positive contributor to the world, and to feel the love of similar minds with similar energies all around me.

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[ 23 Nov 2019 11:05am ]

Remembering Completeness.

I remember

Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.

Restrained Teardrops.

Tears of sadness and joy

For the loss of a part of me that I held close for so long

That was integral to my being and yet never served me well

Since some long ago defence response initiated its activity

And now I let it go, simply no longer needed, simply

Never to be a part of my life again

Loss and Joy combined

Bittersweet tears sat behind my eyes, until

Your words brought clarity to my attention

I sit now, within the truth, feeling

Tears of sadness and joy

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Tell me: What have you given up, that hurt?

Some Days, Some Hope.

I’m so weary
I just want to close my eyes and sleep
To wake up to a different time,
A different place,
Where all these worries have passed
Where I can start afresh and choose my own way
Instead of reacting and intervening in a messy existence
Many days, that is my only hope.

Depression. (Reblog)

Words of distance, words of release. Words that mean so much to me.

Poems and Petals

Pluck me from my life
And fly me far away from here
From all my daily strife
I’d rather be unknown

I’d rather sleep alone
In my nightly dreams remain
Than everyday to feel
This lifelong endless pain

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The End of the World as You Know It.

and just when it seems like
your whole world will fall apart
everything you hoped for
longed for and cried for
might just stop being real
when you doubt you can survive
with nothing to stay alive for
let go
let yourself fly away
in the wake of the explosion
or float away
in the silence of the sudden calm
release all the knots
let go the anchors of expectation
and submit yourself
to the will of the universe
let it guide you
where you need to be
where you will find yourself
in the most amazing way possible

I wish you well

Release.

Hanging on
for so long
Not really
letting go
Just releasing
small pieces
seeming randomly
here and there

The seasons change
Time to renew
Real release
is so easy now
By the handful
Grab it
Pure essence of you
watch it float
away
on the morning breeze

Lighter now
A little ragged
Rough edges
will sort themselves out

(14 November 2014)

 

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[ I call this poem a “duopoly”. It was written entirely with two distinct meanings in mind. For me, they were regarding a moulting pet rabbit and also regarding letting go of emotions and feelings. Let me know if any other interpretations occurred to you while reading. ]

Just the Start.

Isolated by my feelings
I need to get it all out

[ a book sculpture “Plagued by Doubt” by Thomas Wightman ]

A Word a Day keeps the Pressure at Bay.

To write or not to write
I ask myself many days
When thoughts and feelings build up
Pressing for release
Writing brings out the emotions
Often leaving me drained
unable to think, focus or function
Don’t write, and the pressure increases
Cracks of distraction creep into my focus
Thoughts wander
while I wonder what is going on inside my body
Sometimes suppression
leaves me feeling numb
as if I’m so upset that I refuse to talk or communicate with myself
The cold shoulder treatment
for ignoring
the essential part of me
Today I skirt around the edges
acknowledging what is going on inside
without diving in and being overwhelmed
It’s a little tense
But I hope I will be understanding later
When I really need my support.

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[ This non-emotional writing is brought to you by “I needed to get work done today” ]