Right here, Right now.

Thinking about myself
Attempting to resolve the pain
That strikes my heart again and again
My reactions to certain circumstances
Are visible and understandable.
Why can’t I leave this behind me
Move out of the cloud of hurt
Move on to a higher level of being.
Stuck in a circular rut
I stumble at the same bumps every time
Keeps hurting the same wound
No chance to heal what I feel.
To stop fighting this
To stop feeling the pain
Is to deny the very heart of me.
To compromise would be
To forever live with regret
Merely shifting one pain to another.
And while I don’t fully understand
The reasons for these circumstances
I blame myself
Too much most likely
Bearing the sole weight of responsibility
For the unhappiness I see.
And I know that is unfair
But I know not any other way
To exist in its midst.
So when my energy runs low
And negative self assessment flourishes
I feel helpless to help myself
Having tried all I am equipped with
Having stayed ahead of the cloud of hopelessness
I stumble and am shrouded in its darkness
I feel it’s freezing fear seep into me
And all goes dark.

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In This Place of Hurt.

Trying to find a place
Don’t know where it is
Or what it looks like
But I will know it when I get there

A place of understanding
Of sharing myself
And being acknowledged
Loved just as I am

A place I can cry
Express all the emotion
Hold nothing back
Feeling safe to do so

It’s a big ask. Meanwhile
Looking for tiny corners
Fragments of this place
To let out a fraction of me

Searching amongst the words
And with online encounters
Friends who will communicate
Randoms and soul-sisters

And i find…

There seems to be
No one destination
Only brief havens along the way

Still, I long to feel safe enough
To be with myself
To Love, and accept myself.

===

[ can we crowd-source a place where everyone will feel safe and loved? ]


I Found You Covered in Ash. 

For others
For yourself
What is important in your life?
Striving to be something
Someone
That matters to others
Craving acceptance from others.
Who do you think you are?
What do I think?
You thoughts are in a strange place.
This darkness
Mere ash on your skin
From the fires of uncertainty
Scorching your lost mind.
My fingers brushed your hand
Revealing delicate perfect skin
Your humanity shone out.
Gently blowing the ash from your eyes
See who you are
Perfection, in truth revealed.
This, you
Who you are
Is enough
All you ever need, already
Right there beneath the ash

.

[ for Abs. ]

love chest hug

Remember, There is Love.

Feeling unsettled,
exhausted,
uncomfortable,
uneasy

Focussing on the experience with curiosity

Letting it be,
sitting with it,
getting a feel for it

Approaching the difficult feelings,
what are they made of?

Pain

Fear

Hurt

Terror

Loss

These are truly difficult emotions

Give myself some space,
this IS what I’m feeling
and it IS draining

Don’t be hard on yourself

This is NOT failure

This is REAL experience

This IS life (sometimes).

Just breathe into it, gently

Allow yourself to go with it

This won’t last

It WILL pass.

For now, surround yourself in gentle love

Know you are loved.

This experience MEANS something,
even if you don’t understand it

It means you feel,
deeply

It means you care

And just as you do, so others care deeply about you

Even if you don’t feel that right now

It’s true!

Remember all they say and do

Giving without expectation

“No thanks required” one said

They just do it because they care,

The person you are, 

ALL of you,

They care

They love you

You are loved.

Hang onto that truth.

Whatever else you feel,

That truth still exists

Put it in your back pocket,

Or hold it tight against your chest

There is one emotion to guide you through everything

Love.

Emotional Mindfulness.

In response to a thought
Certain feelings kept returning
They felt like hurt and pain
So, I pushed them away
To focus on brighter, lighter energy.

But I remembered a friend’s words
“One emotion at a time,
feel it, explore it, face it,
own it, conquer it.”

So, I stopped being frightened
These feelings became observable
And their power lessened
I took back a certain control
To let myself think and feel
With a renewed free-ness.

(12 February 2015)

[ Thanks to eledette for the wisest words to me this week ]

Discussion Depth.

A friend
Interactions
A question
An honest answer attempt
(but, a feeling inside, of holding back)
Words of meaning and depth
About me
(intuition)

I accept
The pain to come
When I break down
to discover
something
that will free me

I welcome release
Although fear uncertains me
So I trust
The words of a beautiful soul
and wait

.

(3 November 2014)

[ I’m not yet sure what you stirred up Alice, but I thank you for your guidance. ]

Fear Food.

Fear
Trying to derail me
Spinning my mind
with flooding circles of thought
Should
Shouldn’t
Doubt
Halts my forward momentum
Questions my brilliance
Crushes my creativity
Imagines the worst
Tears apart my hopes and dreams

Fear says
Stay with familiar
(whatever the cost)

.

(28 October 2-14)

.

[ Fear is telling me “don’t risk it”. Fear says “it won’t work out”. These days, my diet, and understanding of my food needs, is not problematic as it used to be – 14 years ago. I should be able to travel to Melbourne with little more than a credit card or cash in my pocket. Fear says I’ll have trouble finding the right food at the right time. I have not actually experienced this problem for a long time, but fear is derailing my thoughts. ]

FutureFear.

Life has been so hard
for so long
I’m scared stiff to embrace it
Clinging to my illness,
my troubles
An escape clause,
for all that I fear facing.
Everyone caring for
and supporting me now
Where will they go?
Who will be left,
when I don’t need help anymore?
Loneliness terrifies me
The future growls at me,
it’s low, loud, snarl

(27 Sept 2014)

to be continued…
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[ self portrait on this theme ]

Crossing the Line.

This fearful idea
Is where I have to go
This line must be crossed
My constant thoughts
That I will never be happy with you
You will never feel strongly enough
To go where I want us to go

When we talk about it
You end up in tears or upset
Because it all seems like criticism of who you are
So I will criticise you then
For not being willing to engage
At least in serious conversation
Let alone engage in my desires

(2 Sept 2014)