3am Reality Manifest.

Awake at 3am. Brain running, processing. Recent events, current events, in my life.

Feeling unhappy is the very first thought. I remember that because it surprised me, disturbed me.

It is sadness at the way A treated me last night, going to bed. Not much communication or care from her. I perceived it as harsh and negative. Ok, she was really tired and struggling with energy and I know that makes her grumpy. But really? I mean, every fooking time I get to deal with this. Which is usually multiple times per week. Most weeks. Her in a good mood, in the evening, is a rare thing. My perception.

She shut off the tv while I was still watching it, but in the process of organising myself towards bed. Yes she had prepared my hot water bottle as well as hers, that’s a rare concession to my needs. And it was her attitude, as it usually is, that bothers me. Maybe it’s a frustration at her own immediate situation/tiredness. But it feels like she takes it out on me. Whereas if “the tables were turned” I internalise those sorts of feelings and make a point not to inflict them on anyone else.

Why the difference between us and why should it bother me?

Big questions that I cannot answer right now. But enough to keep me awake in the middle of the night.

Maybe I feel like she is fed up with me being sick. Maybe I am fed up with her being a dick. I guess that I struggle to look past these “little things” she does, to see the bigger positive picture. Because it seems our life is full of these constant frictions, while I struggle to find the positives, struggle to see the love in a way that has meaning for me.

And I acknowledge this all 100%. Hey, if I’m “doing something wrong” I will be the first to try and make it right, to try and act and be the best sort of person I can. And she won’t do that. Because that would mean admitting in some context that she has “a fault”. And those thoughts lead her to feeling criticised, feeling unloved, because “she’s not ok the way she is” or something like that. You see, we never really get to talk about it. Because any suggestion in that direction leads to her shutting down emotionally, or reacting and starting to attack me with criticism about random past events.

It’s so sad to me. She won’t let me help her in any way. For years I tried to make helpful suggestions, in as positive a way as possible, for her life. And she mostly paid no heed to my input. But when she first started talking to a counsellor I was seeing, and they made the exact same suggestions that I had, well then it was time for her to act. I take that a little bit personally, in that, does she not trust me? Does she not believe me, or in my intentions all along?

But I don’t think that I create a whole grudge against her from that. I mean, I think about these things, I create awareness of myself, and I always try to be the best person I can. I make mistakes in the relationship, things I say, or do, or don’t do sometimes. But I try to learn from them and be better next time. Isn’t that just the best anyone can ever do as a human?

I don’t see her doing that. I don’t see her listening to what I say about us and making little course corrections along the way. What I see, mostly, is her reacting to what I say. Perhaps she thinks something like “I must change this otherwise he won’t love me any more”. And so a behavioural change happens and lasts for one or two weeks on average. Then I-don’t-know-what happens, perhaps dealing with life preoccupies her again (work stresses, money worries (did I mention it’s always about security for her?)), and it’s back to the way it was before.

Oh, there have been some changes for the better. Along the lines of, I-ask-for-100%-of-this, she-initially-gives-80%, later on with reminders of what we agreed she gives 10% more steadily. So I can’t say that she doesn’t make an effort. It’s just something about the whole situation, the whole pattern that I see over 20 years together, that leaves me quite uncomfortable, and sad.

And maybe that’s what is keeping me awake tonight. I tried. I try. But my energy reserves and enthusiasm wane after so long. I thought I could keep it up forever, let love fuel that push forwards. But love not returned as much as is given (and all this above, to me, is about love. “If she loves me she will…”) eventually wears me down. It’s all I know. It’s all I have the current knowledge to apply. It’s my best effort. So why do I feel this sharp pain in my gut, like all this hurt is stabbing me? This pain that I can’t rationalise. That I can’t think away or placate.

The reality of my situation Manifests itself within my physical body. No wonder I’ve been sick.

[ processing time 1 hour 15 minutes ]

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Dejected Beingness.

There is a suggestion
in my mind
that today I need contact

Need to feel connection
with other humans
to feel human

To feel
something
that contains life

Not that I feel empty,
I feel nothing

Actually, I feel so much
but it’s all negative
painful, and destructive

Failing to function today
Failing myself and others
When I cannot move,
Cannot talk,
Cannot bring concentration
together enough to
answer a simple question

My brain fails me
I fail at life
And isolation laughs at me
As heavy burden
crushes all that I am

What is left
seeks any relief
But in the impossibility
of that realisation
Dread drags me down

Saying that
“I don’t want to live”
“I am nothing but a burden”
Only scratches the surface
Of blackness engulfing me today

Anger has the solidity
of invisible water vapour
Tears are meaningless leaks
A frozen solid heart
both chills me, and burns me

Despair
My only companion.

Sense for my Senses.

Black, black as the night
sky reveals depth of mystery
no respite
only glimmers of street light
orange and white

Cool, cool breeze in the air
ruffles my clothes
and hair
momentary pain distraction there
seconds without care

When the pain won’t stray
aches and shakes last
all day
chest full of rubble
head filled with trouble
there’s no comfort in any way
any way

Energy Rollercoaster.

Tiredness that overshadows
Any positives of the day
Exhaustion drags me down
I don’t want to participate
Somehow, a focus
Human interaction breaks through
And I feel normal
Because I don’t think
Just doing what I want to do
With friends and family
Welcome interference in my
Otherwise distressing state

Afterwards, the pull
I just want to shut down
And stop feeling
To sleep, or any other way
Close down my consciousness
End the pull
The heaviness that tries to crush me
The weight of awareness

(6 October 2014)

FutureFear.

Life has been so hard
for so long
I’m scared stiff to embrace it
Clinging to my illness,
my troubles
An escape clause,
for all that I fear facing.
Everyone caring for
and supporting me now
Where will they go?
Who will be left,
when I don’t need help anymore?
Loneliness terrifies me
The future growls at me,
it’s low, loud, snarl

(27 Sept 2014)

to be continued…
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[ self portrait on this theme ]

Two Days.

A two day reprieve
Free pass from the misery
Thursday and Friday
Absence of worry
Head clearer
Positive attitude
Joking around
And rhymes flowing so easily

Thought I was suddenly better
That some combination of
Everything I am doing
Clicked into place and
Sorted me out
Feeling “normal” once again
After very long years past

Third morning really enjoying
This refreshing burst of energy
A few hours into the day
It ran out
Draining tiredness overcame me
I pulled the car over
Swapped to the passenger seat
Let myself be driven home
Helped put the groceries away
Collapsed on the sofa
With my current book
Neil Gaiman’s American Gods

Spent a lot of today there as well
With Neil’s words of wonder
Keeping me company
Distracting me
From the distress I feel
Being so incapacitated once again

Two days that reminded me
Life can be exciting and fun
I’ll find those times again
One Day
Two Days
Three days
More

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[ Sunday’s fine Spring weather encouraged me outside to work in the garden. So pacing myself, in a couple of relatively short bursts, I managed to re-lay some paving edging between the driveway and front garden – progress on a project started before winter. ]

Update.

Life is tiring.
The last 18 months and more has taken it’s toll.
My body is exhausted.
With that comes mental struggles.
I have people helping me.
Friends and professionals.
Lately it is not enough.
I am in emotional pain.
Distraught. Struggling.
I barely manage a few hours of functioning each day.
And I need daily time to write it all out of my head.
It’s the only way to survive.
I want to read your words.
I want to connect with your feelings.
Honestly. I long to connect with you all.
Please remember me.
As I remember you all. Daily.
I occasionally drop by your writings when able.
Otherwise please forgive my extended absence.
You are already missed.

I will keep posting my own journey below.
Please stay in touch.

All These Thoughts.

No answers
Just more complications
Physical
Mental
Health

Some days
There seems to be
Nothing Left of
Who I used to be
What I used to be
And what I felt good about

But maybe that was all
Some crumbly facade
That has fallen away
And now the bare me
Has no idea
How to protect itself
(Maybe it should not?)
No idea
How to deal with
All this feeling
All this change
All this pain
And uncomfortableness

It’s like a dirty trick of life
All that I ever avoided
Has come and hit me at once

Vulnerable
Insecure
Needing a care that
Who knows how to give?

(9-10 Sept 2014)