Trying to Feel what Others Share.

I don’t understand why some days I can function fine, be productive at work and home, and engage with other people in a meaningful way. And other days I fail at all those things, I struggle to get up, to get going, to think, to focus, to function in any normal sort of way.

It’s terribly upsetting. It leaves me feeling broken and useless. Can you see how much this affects me, how much it feels like it damages my mind and grinds me down into dark despair?

And this is just one aspect of what I deal with in my life, it’s just one thing that I could grab hold of long enough to write about tonight.

So when I’m tasked to find a positive focus for each day, to find three positive things about my life to start each day, That just feels like an impossibility most of the time. One more thing that I struggle with and can’t seem to manage – one more failure of me. I can’t seem to get my brain around this all. I struggle to find any way around the negative stumbling blocks I can see, to manage to latch onto anything much that is positive. I am trying to find a way forwards and I’m just not having much luck with any of that.

And it’s all about failing. I know in the counselling we talked about how failing is just learning a way that doesn’t work. That’s fine if you have the right mindset. But the way I grew up, Not getting it right, or failing, was a flaw – was something bad and something to be avoided at all costs. Because then came judgement and punishment. That’s what I know of life. So the fact that I can make any sort of effort forwards, to try something new or different, to help myself, is significant. But often it seems that effort uses up all my energy. I have nothing left to deal with the aftermath, or to make plans from that point onwards.

So I feel stuck and ill-equipped to help myself. And I’m not sure anyone trying to help me fully appreciates this. I’m not there for myself, and it seems others aren’t there for me. And loneliness despair closes in.

I know there are people there for me. I know there are friends who care and others who are willing to help me. But when I feel stuck, I tend to withdraw and not lean on them, because I’m not accustomed to having reliable caring people around me. My negative thoughts slide in early and isolate me with lies. But I don’t know enough to counteract the lies. They are the only story that gets regularly fed to me.

I’m putting all this out there, because I don’t know what else to do right now. I know I’m struggling. I know I’m not communicating with people around me very well. I know I’m not coping with life very well. I’m just writing out my heartfelt feelings in the hope that it is enough, to let someone else understand enough, to help me get back on a better path.

That’s all I long for right now. To know I’m on a better path and to know I’m not alone. But there is a big chasm between others’ actions and me actually knowing the feeling. And that’s where I continue to struggle.

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Helpless And Upset.

Today
From the moment I awakened
My thoughts turned on me
Pummelling and belittling me
And I was helpless to defend myself
My body crashed
As my spirit was crushed

Tonight
I feel terrible for having
So many days where
I just can’t function
Because I know
The pressure that it puts
On both myself and my wife
On life.

(9:26 pm)

Disturbing Awakening.

An awareness reveals itself now
Every day I put myself down
Tiny negative thoughts
Creep in even as ideas form
Denying my abilities
Subtly and consistently
Shutting down creativeness
With fear and criticism

My heart cries out in pain
At this realisation
Of damage done
Of stifled expression
Feeling helpless to change
This situation
Or myself

(10:23 am)

Locked Away – Part 1.

This prison cell is too comfortable
There is an inviting mattress with soft sheets
a mouldable fluffy pillow full of feathers
and a woollen quilt with an extra blanket on top.
The stone walls around me, made up of negativity
are silent today
The only sounds I perceive
the blood pumping through my ears
and the ever-present tuned white noise of my tinnitus
Am I breathing? I don’t really know.
I glimpsed some positivity
as it wafted in on a faint breeze, through the barred window
and then continued out on its way.
I don’t want to leave here
In fact I don’t want to do anything.

Blessings.

Thankyou for pointing out
what I fail to see
So often I am blinded
by innate negativity
Looking at myself
and what I manage to do
My brain chooses the missing
and the unsuccessful view
Though with your input
and the kindness of friends
I catch glimpses of achievement
through the positive lens
So while my words have reached you
with a quiet message to remind
This sharing is most important
to maintain my balanced mind

.

[ written after receiving encouraging words from imperfectionperfectionist ]

Battle Cry.

I would cry out for help
If I thought I was heard
If I thought I mattered enough
For anyone to care.

For I don’t understand any of this
How could another possibly comprehend
the torment, confusion,
the nothingness
And the all pervasive incompleteness
of my existence.

The words in my head are that no-one listens
No-one even reads what I write
So none of it matters.

Except the battle
Stop fighting and I will truly crumble
into nothingness
So the war itself has meaning
A purpose I don’t understand
like any soldier.
I am the conflict
Both sides of the fray
I am winner and loser
I am casualties and victories
When I win, will I lose too?
If I lose, will I celebrate victory?
Or like all wars
will there be no real victor
just widespread collateral damage?

Time to take the moral high ground
Conscientious objector
to all this destruction
Make peace
Be the change you want to see
Find who I truly am
Quietly and determinedly
Make love not war.

20140327-181756.jpg
[Artwork by David Rosen]