Pain and fun and all the experiences I had growing to where I am now. And remembering can be overwhelming, because of the emotion it brings. Especially the sad emotions, the hurt, the moments that led me to questioning myself until I curled up into a ball and burned with tears because I felt so small and insignificant and lost. I don’t feel like I’ve learnt how to move beyond that, I just know that it happens less often. The emotions don’t overwhelm very often. But I am troubled by the unsettling hurt constantly bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. An uneasiness that disturbs my calmness. I don’t want to deny it. But when I try to accept what it is, the pain is confusing in its powerful pull over me. I remember this can’t be ignored. I remember there are people who care about me. I remember to make whatever positive effort feels manageable at these times. I remember that doing a little of something is 100% more effective than doing nothing. I choose to action over my memories. I choose to allow remembering to be what it is. I remember that there is a better place for my spirit to exist. I remember to love myself first with a gentleness and acceptance. I remember my calm, loving self. I remember my completeness.
I’ve been here before
Familiar feelings, familiar side effects.
I guess last time I didn’t learn the lesson
So what is it I’m trying to understand?
Uncover and reform the energy of before
Disassemble and redistribute emotions
Wanting to get this right
Wanting to grow and become a better person
And yet –
Here, now, in this very moment, is all that really matters
Within the timeless being of mindfulness is enough
Perhaps not perfection as can be judged
Just, perfection in being present –
In committing my energy to honour and love
For myself, then, for others
The first seems the hardest,
While the second comes naturally.
Looking for answers to ease my mind
Guidance to direct my thoughts,
So that action may follow
And it seems that there are other energies at play
Both supporting and molesting my growth.
Before, when my eyes were opened,
My heart flared with inner power
And now I’ve been lost again in the darkness
Searching blindly for direction,
For anything solid to carry me forwards.
It’s difficult to lead oneself out of the dark
Only guessing on direction,
Unaware of the circular path worn in the landscape
Missing trees, missing the green and the sunshine
I forget so easily what was, and
Get lost so easily in the yesternow.
Sometimes stepping forwards is terrifying
While staying in one place is certain death.
Through the fabric of my world bleeds everyone’s fears
Sensitivities expose this heart to those emotions
Yet, while crumbling in pain
I would shine out as lighthouse in the storm.
Support rallies around me
Let me be conscious to embrace the care
Let there be light on my face and in my heart.
There are times I can see clearly
Specifically what I need to do
Have the motivation to act
The forwards plan in mind
Often these are the quiet times
When my nearby world is asleep
And all expectation has fallen away
Clarity, focus, simplicity
Then comes the morning
With its health complications
Confusions of position and ability
Managing myself prioritizes over the externalities
And life seems too confusing to manage.
(5 August 2018)
I will not acknowledge this darkness clawing at my soul
I will not name it depression, grief or anxiety, which gives it form and offers it power
I will not give in when the desire to hide away, from people, from loved ones, from life,
Calls me incessantly and offers an uncomfortable ease to this troubled heart
I will not doubt my own worth
I will not question every part of my being that others see as positive
I will not make life-changing decisions based on the fear of my present.
There are so many ways to dive into these depths
And in the past I’ve tried them all, tested their effectiveness
So I know that path isn’t right for me right now
Despite the comfort of familiarity all of that could be
There is only right now, hunched over,
Wanting to stand tall, but bearing the weight of my world on my shoulders
So for every step forwards, and every step backwards,
I know my focus on the future will eventually win through.
Hope calls me forwards
I don’t recognise it’s shape, but the warmth is enough to draw me away from this icy cold.
Hoping for a mind unrestrained by this clutter and weight.
Hope is a quiet voice, whispering encouragement through the darkness
Leading me onto a new path
Reminding me of the light that exists out there.
The undercurrents are turbulent and mysterious
Unknown to everyone listening and passing by
The sound of change battles
Silent clangs and persistent effort
Thrown around by emotions
Bruised by the day
Nowhere safe to settle at night
Only just surviving
Holding on by the tips of my fingers
Fearful of one slip and I will plunge down
To unknown depths, to unknown deaths
I want to function
I want to have the energy,
to get out of bed
and make something of the day.
Seeing support and instead
annoyed by Platitudes
that suggest happy life
is just a matter of choice,
Because they know nothing
of mental illness,
the inner hurdles that present each day.
I want help with loss,
with mental dysfunction,
and just trying to cope with some days.
I know it’s hard
for anyone else
to understand my struggles,
but it’s possible
to approach my pain and restriction
with compassion and love.
because of what’s going on,
I can’t get anything positive
to sink in.
My only anchor
are friend’s words of support
that have stuck with me in the past,
that have already
attached themselves into my brain.
Those days when I believe my thoughts too much
When I hate myself
For who I am, what I am, where I am
When I want to hide away
But I get up and move forwards anyway
When I don’t even bother asking why
Just step one foot forwards, then the other
I see a house extension that needs completion
More draft-proofing of the old house
A list of fix-up and repairs that seems to grow endlessly
Things that just don’t work because other jobs are incomplete
An outside deck and paving to finish off
A rear garden that needs to be kept under control
Neighbour’s bamboo reaching over the fence
Caring for pet bunnies, keeping them entertained and comfortable
Trying to declutter the house
Wanting to sell off items to clear space and gather needed funds
Required bicycle maintenance, my preferred form of transport
An old computer that is currently inoperative
A new computer that is not yet operational
A month’s worth of laundry waiting to be put away
The list I see goes on and on and on
And lost in there somewhere, is self care
Blurred into dealing with hidden illness, mental and physical
And this current exhaustion and emotional overwhelming
Missed work hours, missed income,
Clients relying on me despite my fatigue
How do I keep my head straight through all this?
It tries to overwhelm me
But mostly I just let it go, it’s all I can do
Fumble through trying to work this day out
To survive just a little longer
For what, where am I headed like this?
It doesn’t feel like living, not what I want life to be.
And yet, I can manage to say to myself
Today I am coping with, that which previously chained me down in bed
It seems the only hope I have, but I don’t know what it means