Digging for Well.

Some days there is no trusting myself

Questioning the reasoning behind my behaviouring

Doubting the truth of my feelings of love

Thinking my relationship needs are met

Only after carefully crafted expression

Because someone in my past accused me of that

Even if that claimant was reacting to their own fears

And knowing that is not my intent

Ever

That I strive for truth and honesty

In all that I seek or do.

Yet I understand there is possibility

That my little cracked heart

Still has some healing to fully restore feeling

To a level of understanding and completeness

That not everyone manages to achieve

So I wonder if

Despite my best efforts

I do love as transparently as I hope

Do I reciprocate as honestly as I believe?

And the awareness of that questioning

The self digging and uncovering undertaken

Reassures me that I am doing the best I can

Within these moments certainty answers back

“You are doing well”.

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This Equation Of Me.

Confident, enough
in myself
with friends I trust
and strangers –
it’s believing
that I contain
something positive to contribute.

To feel at ease
with this me, with
what’s inside
is another matter altogether.
The value of myself, my
comfortableness and
my self-worth, are
other elements
of
the total me,
the
sum
of all the parts.

Before I doubted
myself –
I trusted
this, whole, me.
It was simple
and easy
Until,
I started believing
criticism from others.
It became emotional
and messy.
Not feeling accepted,
not feeling respected,
by others, and
No-one else was there
to put me straight.

It’s taking quite some time
to turn around
ways of thinking
ways of feeling, and
ways of
imagining
me
To understand
just where I am, and
to realise where I was
before.

The power you hold
in the
Creativity
of your mind
to Believe in you
and, to
Create you,
This is magical.

My Journey Planner.

I look ahead with positivity
Focussing on the outcome I want
Sweeping others along with me
And yet I stumble, tripped up
by them not sharing my vision
not understanding where I am headed
Propelled by my energy
But held back in their own fears
Holding me back with their hesitancy
Because I thought I needed company
on this adventure.
Now I know,
I can do this on my own
and if they won’t share the energy
I need to continue on
Without hesitation
And perhaps find along the way
like-minded, compatible energies

Feeling Down, Restrained.

not feeling anyone cares for me
difficulty believing those talking to me care enough

how much do I want them to care? enough to give their life for me?
that wouldn’t change how I feel

so what does this mean for me?
it’s coming from inside me, that’s why what others do won’t ultimately change it

so what does this mean for me?
it means there’s a lot of hurt inside me that is creating this

so what does this mean to me?
Can I get rid of this hurt deep inside me? If I leave it there I feel it will keep coming out and disturbing me

what is this hurt for?
its for past feelings and past thoughts

what if you lived wholly in the present instead of spending time in the past?
then I would likely feel better. Is that safe, leaving the hurt there? Or will it eventually be replaced by new, good feelings, of life being enjoyable?

.

I feel undeserving of love.
Just putting that there, as a summary of my struggling afternoon thoughts.
Reading positives, thought shifting, despite everything positive I’m doing for myself today, that remains and restrains me.

(11-12 December 2014)

Inner Questioning.

Where does this angst, hurt, pain come from today?
Wanting to argue with her to prove I am correct
Need to be correct so that I am respected
Need respect so that I receive attention
Need attention to feel love
Need love because it only comes from others
Need others to love me as I don’t love myself
There is no self love because others don’t love me
they think I’m strange and weird and call me names
and just ignore me and break their promises
There is a problem here amongst my inner feelings

(23 Sept 2014)

Timing.

The right time
is right now
Look inward
Deep into your soul
what does it say?
Clear amongst the clamour
what springs forth?

Afraid to ask
Afraid to feel
the truth within
Afraid of my own power
and capability
that was never encouraged

Afraid of being great
of drawing attention to myself
of being picked and pecked and pushed
for being different
for feeling

I don’t wish to stand out
But my heart is roaring
Fighting myself
to survive and to thrive

Will I win
or will I lose?
I wonder

Walking the line
between

Is just as perilous.

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My feeling.

[Maybe I think too much. Maybe I look for meaning, when just accepting everything as it is would be enough.]

I’m bamboozled by feelings
That tug at my heart strings
I don’t know their meanings
I don’t know what for

Some people claim loudly
While others speak proudly
Significant meanings
Of what theirs are for

Does insight come easy?
Or take time to seize thee?
Some part of these meanings
has hit you before?

For me it’s a struggle
To unravel the puzzle
Of emotional meanings
And innermost leanings
My heart goes careening
But I don’t know what for.