A new EōN.

Screen capture from iOS app EōN, algorithmically generated Art & Music by Jean-Michel Jarre.
Channeling in
to the pain I feel inside
The emotional upheaval
and the unknown cause
Because I don’t like not knowing
Because to just accept this,
is difficult
When my whole life has been
striving to create some comfort
within a world that was
always so uncomfortable,
physically and emotionally.

Today I had to dive in
to the difficult hours
from this week past
And describe how I felt,
what I thought,
Reconnecting to those moments
To see where my thoughts
were really at
Hearing another perspective
To understand a way forwards
And tonight I could cry
Emotionally spent and weary.

So again I’m in the midst
of uncomfortableness
Not knowing how to cry
Fearful of the pain, of
wanting to curl up
and disappear from existence
Frustrated from feeling this way
When I could be celebrating life
Enjoying my new-found
freedom within a relationship.

The drum beats of EōN
shift my energy
Once again,
music is my saviour
Can a disconnected Artificial Inteligence
know my mood
sense my feelings
interpret a response?
One day this will be commonplace
For now happenstance is my friend.

With a clearer head
and a lighter heart
I commit myself to the night
To rest and recuperation
To new beginnings in new days
Tomorrow will be
what I make of it
Conscious choice will define
every moment as I travel
through the intersecting threads
of my world.

May your world and mine
interact and play
in a positive way
May we both feel significant,
useful,
real in some way that matters
May there be reason to smile
Reason to feel really alive
An energy that carries us
Forwards, together
Creating a brighter reality
A sense of purpose and belonging.

Right in The Moment.

Of Love and Loss

And suddenly the world shifted
Not in any way catastrophic
Rather, I was here – and –
suddenly I was on the other side.

Different view, different environment
Seeing a completely different picture
But complementary and linked.

And the choice was in that moment
Walk this way in this new place
Leave everything else behind
But fear and hesitation pulled at me
And I found myself back
Where I knew the lay of the land
Where all the uncomfortableness
Felt safe.

Secure feelings within my own prison.

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Our Space, Not My Place. (reblog)

Of Love and Loss

I spent so long trying
to be someone that you liked
that I lost track of myself.
Trying to please you when
you didn’t know what you wanted
trying to make you happy when
you just needed to be how you were.
Not understanding you
and thinking that meant
you didn’t care about me.
Trying to get you to conform
to what I thought was best for us.
Trying to change you
when rightly or wrongly
I thought it was needed.
Now I know that’s not my place.
I gave you space
no pressure
no presumption
And nothing changed.
I can change myself
but no one else.
Eventually I realised
it’s just the space
that we create
Together, this is what we are.
I’m in the wrong space
This is not my place.

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Emotional Mindfulness.

In response to a thought
Certain feelings kept returning
They felt like hurt and pain
So, I pushed them away
To focus on brighter, lighter energy.

But I remembered a friend’s words
“One emotion at a time,
feel it, explore it, face it,
own it, conquer it.”

So, I stopped being frightened
These feelings became observable
And their power lessened
I took back a certain control
To let myself think and feel
With a renewed free-ness.

(12 February 2015)

[ Thanks to eledette for the wisest words to me this week ]

Soaring.

Skin, bones, flesh
Holding us within
And holding us back

Free of restraint
Much lighter
Would we soar

To lofty goals
Together and apart
Each other racing

Pacing, chasing
Only ever
Onwards and upwards

20140615-110242.jpg
.

[ Sparked by Diwata in Lalaland‘s poem Fictional Reality and also in response to Pooky’s Poetry Prompt 45 – Write a poem which includes climbing ]
[ image source google ]

A Child Of Yesterday.

There was a place
Where it all began
But that was so long ago
That now could be forever away
from the start –
Another lifetime altogether

Memories of the past
As if just yesterday
Indelible influence

Present presence
Straining against time
Running out of the now

There was
There is
What will there be?

I can imagine
Freedom
Through these chains
As meaningless possibilities
Futility calls me out
And I die
just a little more

20140406-105740.jpg

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[ This is me getting deeper into my head, than perhaps I ever have before. I am still grasping for answers. So if the words mean something to you, please share with a comment below ]

Anger and Hatred Flow.

There’s a lot of hate and anger unsettling me
And admittedly
Being up writing after midnight
Is not particularly
Conducive to improving
My situation consistently
When questions of past
Scream out repeatedly
Feeling anguish, confusion
No answers there be
No answers to how I might
Feel released and free
Wanting to be
Repeatedly, consistently, particularly, admittedly, me

===

Acknowledging, accepting, understanding anger and hatred
Within myself is a challenge I don’t know where to start
Particularly from the hazy, crazy place I’m currently in.

Give Them Away.

It took just one thought
To unblock the creativity
And open up to possibility
“Stop hoarding all those words”
_let them be free
_give them away
_they were never yours to restrain
__only passing by
___saying Hi,
_you’ll see them again
_with friends in tow
_bringing more inspiration
_they will sweep you up
_in their writing motivation

Can I Live With The Real Question?

Can I live
Without
digging down and out
Uncovering
the parts of me
That hide within the noise
Of a life kept busy

Can I live
Unless
I listen through the silence
Uncovering
the uncomfortable
noises and cries
Of a life often ignored

Can I live
Despite
both hiding and embracing, while
Uncovering
the me that wants release
to be free once again
Of a life in chains