Out of Focus.

There are times I can see clearly
Specifically what I need to do
Have the motivation to act
The forwards plan in mind

Often these are the quiet times
When my nearby world is asleep
And all expectation has fallen away
Clarity, focus, simplicity

Then comes the morning
With its health complications
Confusions of position and ability
Managing myself prioritizes over the externalities
And life seems too confusing to manage.

.

(5 August 2018)

Advertisements

So Much Feels Like Nothing.x

So much
feels like nothing

Where is worthiness?
My own significance is invisible to me.

Other tells me what they see,
what they feel about me

And mostly it is meaningless
to me.

This dis-ease is a disease

The nothingness slowly eats away
at whatever was there before

I feel nothing now
except a hollow emptiness
That I attempt to describe
to exorcise it from my being

But the process is incomplete

It is an unearthing
an exposing
only

Not remediation.

I know its not right

Yet I don’t know how to deny
the lies.

.

[ 18 June 2018 ]

Heavy as a Day.

Longing for belonging
Instead feeling outside
Without real reason; as
Intrusive fears drag me away
From all who I love
From all that I love
Feeling the pain of separation
Fearing something unreal
Lost in a negativity storm
Comfortably surrounded by
white noise and aloneness
Whilst my brain screams
for all the opposites
That I need and want.

.

.

.

Simple fulfillment
is all that I desire.

In This Place of Hurt.

Trying to find a place
Don’t know where it is
Or what it looks like
But I will know it when I get there

A place of understanding
Of sharing myself
And being acknowledged
Loved just as I am

A place I can cry
Express all the emotion
Hold nothing back
Feeling safe to do so

It’s a big ask. Meanwhile
Looking for tiny corners
Fragments of this place
To let out a fraction of me

Searching amongst the words
And with online encounters
Friends who will communicate
Randoms and soul-sisters

And i find…

There seems to be
No one destination
Only brief havens along the way

Still, I long to feel safe enough
To be with myself
To Love, and accept myself.

===

[ can we crowd-source a place where everyone will feel safe and loved? ]


When You Close Your Eyes Before Screaming.

The emptiness hit me tonight
While out at the weekly markets shop
It wasn’t exhaustion, like other times
It wasn’t darkness or depression, like other times
It wasn’t grief or sadness, like other times
It was a sudden stopping of the energy
and enthusiasm
that I had carried for the past 2 days.

The emptiness hurt tonight, because
Suddenly I wasn’t the me that I like to be
The me that engages with others
That brings and shares energy
That creates the life he wants
The me that is victorious.

Suddenly I was the helpless
the defeated, unworthy, guilty,
ashamed me
Lost and helpless, to the whim
of some unknown action.

I focussed on positives, grasping for a lifeline
I stopped and breathed, grasping for peace
I tried to let go of it all, grasping for anything else
But still resisting the present
Still resenting this present.

And feeling that none of this was “working”
(that is, none of my efforts were changing the situation)
I cried out in my head
I closed my eyes and breathed and said
“This is not me.”
“This is not me.”

And just maybe there was something
In that release of control
In that pleading for release
That shifted the angst
That unstuck me just enough
To take a little step forward
Just one step away from that place
Towards tomorrow
Towards whatever may come my way.

Life is moments
Some we want to last forever
Some, we would rather forget
But, whatever the reason, whatever the feeling
I think that we have a hand in the outcome
I think that we have some say in our future
I think that maybe we are more in charge
than we realise, a lot of the time.

.
===
.

[ I had forgotten that this week started roughly for me. Monday morning I was feeling vulnerable and lost. With some support at the start of the week, I pushed through the days, focussing on whatever positives I could find. I had forgotten that it takes energy to push through all that I did. I had forgotten that being energetic and sharing that energy with others can be draining sometimes. So maybe all of that contributed to what happened tonight. Maybe I just want there to be a reason, whether in my control or out of it. Because I don’t want to know that this could just happen anytime, for no apparent reason. ]

20150710-222524.jpg

Confusion in Threes.

I don’t know discern recognise
What’s normal typical regular
Everything I see read hear
About from regarding others
Mainstream esoteric or public
Is foreign strange alien to me
I want inclusion involvement recognition
With others friends acquaintances
But the more I notice consider observe
The more separate isolated removed
I feel sense believe

(19 May 2015)

Multilingual.

I’ve been learning the language of how I feel
Becoming confident my descriptions are real
Expressed through my writing and poetry
Are clear understanding – this aspect of me

We could all learn more of the language of love
Most people know little, unaware the rest of
it has so many nuances, we all could be
Better communicators, with practice, naturally

I’m brushing up concepts in the language of sex
So many facets to intimacy, it’s rather complex
Yet knowing what words describe our desires
Builds partner comprehension for passionate fires

There is language specific to so many events
When we speak different dialects confusion presents
A problematic occasion for hurt and friction
So when you next talk be sure of your diction.

20140408-225610.jpg

Shattered.

Feeling broken. Can’t function properly, whatever that word means at the moment. Couldn’t get myself out of the house today. Tired, worn out, unwell. But more-so, battling the constant negativity that assails my thoughts. Vision clear enough to recognise their unreasonableness, but not to do anything more than barely manage to push them out for a time. Negativity about everything, feeling like a grumpy old man, but knowing the head is skewed. Memory has been rusty for so long, but can now barely recall what happened before last night’s sleep. Everything seems to take twice as long, including trying to feel better.

Existing through this in-between space.
Neither energetically happy nor suicidal.
Neither functioning artist nor pile of trash.
I know the extremes, and
I know this familiar place in the middle.
The scariness is that
I don’t know where I am going.
I’m a person, in pieces.
Fragmented and falling.
Won’t someone put me back together?
Match up the edges and find how they all go together again,
Make me whole.

shattered glass falling

You, You, You.

Tiredness demotivates me
Demotivation tires me
Getting so little done
Capable of so much more
Don’t be so hard on yourself!
Use love to motivate you
Love to create, love to achieve,
Love to try something new

But I hate, hate, hate
Everything around me
Including my miserable self
Feeling upset and agitated
Not really understanding why
All night clutching my pillow
Hoping for the headache to pass
Existing only a semi-conscious state