Too Much Like My Dad.

Looking for answers to My health issues. Trying to find anything that might resolve or improve this situation I find my body and mind struggling with.

Then my mental negativity kicked in and made some connections to my father.

I’ve turned 50 this year. I’ve been really struggling with my health for 3 to 4 months before that and again now afterwards (interrupted only by a 3 week holiday from my Wintery home to the tropics).

And I wondered what my Dad’s life was like at this age. He turned 50 a year after I left home, a year and a bit after Mum left with my siblings. So he would have felt his life was a complete mess, he would have been very angry and hurtful/hateful. I know that’s how he was in the little contact I had with him over the next few years. I know he had a new partner to help him out at home (he needed physical assistance with his own damaged body).

So he was nearly 49 when his family left him. They left because he drove them away. His brain damage and physical injuries from a motorbike accident just over 5 years prior left him in a terrible physical and mental state for which he received little support. But he became even more negatively reacting to his family, even more critical and eventually resorted to threatening and actuating physical violence against Mum who was only trying to look after 5 children.

48 (a few months short of 49) when his life crashed apart.

I finally left my marriage aged 48-and-a-bit. I walked away from another relationship aged 49-and-a-bit. I’ve turned 50 and one of the single most significant parts of my life, my job and livelihood, feels like it’s been a mess for more than the past year.

Is that coincidence, is that linked? Maybe it’s nothing and yet maybe it’s something I need to work out – somehow.

Working through this is a big hurt of realisation. It’s an exhausting trawl through dark murky emotions and scary possibilities. I want to find some brightness somewhere, I need to find some hope in all this. I need to know that somehow this will all work out for the better. I’m living off vapours and reserves now that won’t last much longer. I want to move forwards. I want to sort out work life and be excited for possibilities, instead of dreading the entanglements that I’m struggling to sort out.

I don’t know where to start or what to do. Tonight I am scared. But tomorrow I step forwards.

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5 thoughts on “Too Much Like My Dad.

  1. Hello my friend! It’s been awhile since we’ve last spoken. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through so much.
    I don’t believe your life mirrors your fathers. He made poor decisions and from his agony took it out on his family. And once he allowed the misery to consume him, everything spiraled. You saw it happen and I’m sure it affected you. But you are not him. Just recognizing you need to sort things out is a good starting point. Don’t overthink things. Change is scary, but it’s also exciting. One day at a time, tare your time. No one is chasing you for answers, but you. Sometimes we are our worst enemy. Positive, is hard to be when you’re unsure. But knowing that change is necessary is a start. You’re in my prayers my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Peter, I’d like to echo what your friend advised, which was well-said. And Hope is the best way to begin because without it we are lost. Just put one foot in front of the other, and don’t listen to any negativity that you conjure up inside your mind. Yes, we can be our own worst enemies. If you have any kind of offline support circle or group, I would reach out there, too. Whether we admit it or not, we need that support from family and friends, also, either down-to-earth talks or a simple hug…take care, Lauren

    Liked by 1 person

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