Holding On.

Some words must be blocked out

Never heard

Their dark, desperate,

deep disturbance

Disrupts the thine line

That I walk each day.

As they creep from the silence

I seek noise, distraction

action, engagement,

Push away the pressure

Leaving space for light.

Scarce lightness

Found outside in the sunshine

With the wind through my hair

As I glide along greenways

Nature ways

Pathways to sanity,

clarity, comfort.

There are no shortcuts

I know no easy way

to traverse time.

Just this time I find my way

quickly, quietly

Hopefully, generously,

happily, thoroughly

Following the hand

leading me along the light

Holding your hand tight

Holding what feels right.

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Tug-Of-War.

  
As the tug-of-war flares up inside me
I feel both, the forwards momentum, and
The screaming fear pulling me back
“That way hurts”; “That way is unknown, scary”
And many other words, whispered so secretly I can’t quite make them out
Being so exhausted, it’s too easy to let go and be pulled back
When did I last win this game anyway?
The joy and energy of victory are long forgotten.
Yet others join in on my side, grab the rope and pull for a while
Close friends, online friends, strangers,
Who all have my best interests at heart
Others who believe in me
While I try so hard to feel their faith,
To feed off the encouragement they give
And for the strangest time, I feel so little.

Where There is Anxiety.

20140614-201415.jpg
I need to let it out, get it out, try and decompress all the build-up inside me.
A big part of today was spent helping organise my brother to find/decide on a new place to live. He’s been living with Mum for 6 years and she has sold the house to move into something smaller. Time was running short for my brother. He wasn’t coping with choices and decisions and on top of that we felt he was a suicide risk. Cousins K+B have helped a lot today, finding a friend with a rental flat that is vacant this week, offering to help with moving, background organising. Cousin B is exhausted with her own issues at the moment but she has helped all she can. My cousin’s anxiety, my brother’s anxiety, my own anxiety.

Just over a week ago, some important future planning/financial questions were posed by my partner and I realised in that moment that I couldn’t answer. That I actually couldn’t process the questions to begin to consider possible responses. I was filled with paralysing terror and anxiety – partly of the impact of the questions and partly because I realised I was incapable of dealing with it. I sort of broke mentally. I felt completely terrified, lost and flooded with self negativity as a result of it all.

I reached out to my Cousin B, and a couple close friends. They helped me through while I dealt with all these new unpleasant feelings. Recommendations to see my doctor and get a referral to somewhere that can help with counselling.

So after a long weekend waiting to get to see my local doctor, I am now on a new medication Desvenlafaxine. It’s been about 7 years since I have had to take any strong prescription drugs, and I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. But I understand that this is a way forward that works for many people and I hope it works well for me without significant side effects. There are a few unpleasant passing symptoms as levels build up in my body.

I will give this a go. I have experienced a severe anxiety episode, and it is a symptom of my current condition. I believe it is treatable and that in time I will feel better. I realise I am exhausted emotionally, mentally, physically. After all my ill-health experiences last year, prolonged testing and diagnosis, then my father being very ill and eventually passing away, and then dealing with his estate and helping his partner through initial grieving period this year. All this time putting myself out there, time and energy, giving to others, with little consideration for myself – that’s just who I am.

I realise tonight as I got home and just wanted to cry, that I need to give myself time to rest, recover. I need to just shut off the outside world and let the quietness reach into me. I need to find my own peace and not worry about others or even about myself. I just need to trust that I am doing the best I can for others and for myself.

So I haven’t been as active around here as I would have liked – energy levels have been severely limited. But I will not let that upset me. It is what it is. I have been focussing on me in a way that will move me forwards, in time, and maybe this was the only way that I would come to an understanding of what I needed to see about myself.

Thankyou for reading this. I know I may have missed some of your posts, but I trust that the important words will reach me one way or another. And I hope that you can also find what you need to see to move forwards. Whether that is an eye-opening realisation, a small glimpse of hope, or a little encouragement. And if you need help, if you can’t cope on your own, keep reaching out until someone responds.

Normal service will resume in time. Be well.

All the Feels.

Hey
Times like now
I don’t know what to say
Except somehow
My heart wants to explode
From the pressure
Of what I feel inside.
There’s no profound realisation
As I don’t understand this situation
It wants to be free
This part of me
Can’t settle down
Can’t calm this body
Thoughts run crazy
Irrational
Erratic.
No withdrawal
This is hyper-feeling
If I jumped from a great height
and let my physical form impact
onto the solid ground
Only then might these feelings be free
of my restricting body.
Flooded by the intense energy
I can’t stabilise me
I just want something
to take away
this pain of humanness
this life I can’t bear to contain

20140603-050924.jpg[ detail of Thomas Wightman book sculpture ]

A Word a Day keeps the Pressure at Bay.

To write or not to write
I ask myself many days
When thoughts and feelings build up
Pressing for release
Writing brings out the emotions
Often leaving me drained
unable to think, focus or function
Don’t write, and the pressure increases
Cracks of distraction creep into my focus
Thoughts wander
while I wonder what is going on inside my body
Sometimes suppression
leaves me feeling numb
as if I’m so upset that I refuse to talk or communicate with myself
The cold shoulder treatment
for ignoring
the essential part of me
Today I skirt around the edges
acknowledging what is going on inside
without diving in and being overwhelmed
It’s a little tense
But I hope I will be understanding later
When I really need my support.

.

[ This non-emotional writing is brought to you by “I needed to get work done today” ]