Protecting What Matters.

I spent about an hour of semi-conscious breaking-dawn light trying to remember names from the past. I had dreamt about them just before waking and the compulsion to reconnect was strong. Over twenty five years ago, that’s how far I was reaching back. I didn’t quite get the intended result in the end. But I did manage to pull up another friend of the time, finally got a name, finally remember a particular spelling, finally found them on a google image search (cyber stalking much?).

So then I was thinking about why the strong compulsion to reconnect. Particularly given my severe depressive episode this week. Looking for a friendly connection, a greater sense of belonging, a reminder that I am OK as a person? Looking for recognition of me, when I have been stuck into hating myself? Perhaps looking for a reminder that it’s possible to have an ok time of life, to enjoy just being with a good group of friends.

Rose coloured glasses! My quest notwithstanding, I know that depression was a big part of my life back then as well. Less understood, so not acknowledged at the time. But the more I gaze back into that past, the more I remember the negative feelings, the pain and the searching for comfort.

And right now, I really don’t want that sort of reminder. I easily slip into thought patterns of “why bother” with myself, and “life’s always been such a struggle – see how broken you are”. None of these are helpful. A little voice in the back of my mind says “none of those are true”.

It’s a daily struggle. Sometimes I can help myself. Sometimes I cannot. But one thing I am learning right in this very moment, is this. It is not easy, but it’s worth the fight. And it’s necessary to fight for what is valuable and important.

I don’t particularly feel those last adjectives in regards to myself, but it is being communicated to me through current friends. People I trust and love, people I am thankful for having in my life.

When the thoughts in my head drag me down into my lonely dark hole of depression, I trust these friends to hold my hand, to hang on tight and not let go, to pull me back into the light.

So maybe my dreaming was about rallying the troops. Gathering an army of support close around me. Because I need it.

I don’t know whether this is all for the biggest battle yet to come, or whether this is about everyday defences.

Either way, any way, it’s about protecting what matters.

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The Architecture of Sleep.

You hesitate
As I watch, your movements give you away
You don’t like leaving, consciousness
You don’t like, releasing control
But this is our space, built for this purpose
And as movement stills, as breathing slows
I watch over you, over the bed-clothes, over the pillows
Every night is different, I don’t always get this right
But I hold down the sheets,
from blowing away in the gales of your dreams
Retain the pillow just under your turning head
And hold away the sunrise for as long as I can
I work all night, I keep your sleep
And take my own rest during the day

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[ this is my response to this poem by Nina, go check out her words as well ]

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20150729-215635.jpg“Sleeperie”

And Then a Voice.

She was looking at me
Speaking
Although I couldn’t hear the words
I could see a face shape
Her generous hair
But the haze of my semi-dream state
Left particulars indistinct

Lie to me
Tell me everything will be ok
Make me believe you
Say anything that will take me away from here
Guide and transport this lost soul
Create hope

Then a voice came
“Only you can make the changes you need to, Whatever they are.”

Feeling Somethings.



Trying to find Me, is
Just Ghost Stories
Scared, of
Cold play relationships.
Dreams of Oceans have Me
Blind and Lame
Calling out my rescuer’s name
While Friendship Support
Walks away, Oblivious.
Hiding, Hibernation
Draws me inwards
But there be Dragons
While I need Wagons, to
Journey and bear Loads
I need Magic, lift and
Carry me to Midnight
Finding True Love there, in
Another’s Arms, or
Memories of my own.
Always in My Head, Oh
Flows the Ink
That draws many stories
Always presenting
A Sky Full of Stars
Visions of Paradise, and
Sun on my Eyelids.
But Dreams
Defy Reality and Time
Lose me, Lift me,
Burden and Gift me
Dreams of Me, are
Perhaps the only Truth I see.

(24 July 2015)

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[ Finally finding my voice after a week. These words grew from recent thoughts, feelings, writings, dreams, and the music I was listening to while composing this today. (There are connections within for fans of a certain band.) ]

Silver Linings – Day 1.

20150603-222208.jpg
“Cabaret Night in the city.”

Great soul music with just a few musos and lots of energy from two local talents. Diana and Teresa carried us through the intimate performance of a soul music journey through time.

Love live music. Love variety. Love local talent.

I know Diana from when she was my personal trainer some years ago. Even then her energy, focus, dancing and singing was apparent. I still remember everything she taught me while we were training, such was her impact.
Now she is focussing on her love of music and performing. She is giving her dreams a go! Something to encourage me to do likewise.

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[ Thanks to Contortum Designs for the inspiration to focus on the positives. ]

Depression Creep.

How dare you
Invade my precious dream space
Where I am hero, adventurer, and creator
Where my music comes to life
Where I am a bicycle acrobat
Where my fantasies are fulfilled
Where I am director and stuntman of my own theatre
Where my fears are cleverly revealed
Where I can’t escape the chasing demons
Where my past and future come to life
Where I indulge, love, and explore
Where my pains are recognised
Where I remember the yet to come
Where my return is welcome
The compressing nothingness of depression
Crushing me in a dream was a bit much
Containing me within darkness
Immobilising and silencing me
But letting me see my story destroyed
Cruel and violating
You will stay away
You may taunt me during the day
But you will leave alone my recovery time
You will not trespass any more
I will not allow it.

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[ In a way that’s never happened before, Depression invaded my early morning dreams. So powerfully, that when I awoke it took quite some time to drag together the energy & motivation to get out of bed and left me drained for the whole day. ]

Four Forty Two AM.

With silence
Eventually
Comes the question
Was that the end of the song
Or the end of the album?

No reference point
In the dark
Only a sense of passing
Fleeting minutes
Or a sweep of the hand

This journey
Mine only
All that I have been
And all that is yet to be
Collide in dreams

Past or future
Maybe another universe
Entirely
Secret messages
Of the heart

Singularity in Space. (a response)

Perhaps…
possibility is hope.
Resigning to the practical
pushing away dreams
that were not as they seem
after all
your heart
belongs elsewhere
from your thoughts,
You belong
in you
and there
starts the magic
discovery

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[Kudos to the ever-thoughfully-inspiring Rachael for today’s spark]