I spent about an hour of semi-conscious breaking-dawn light trying to remember names from the past. I had dreamt about them just before waking and the compulsion to reconnect was strong. Over twenty five years ago, that’s how far I was reaching back. I didn’t quite get the intended result in the end. But I did manage to pull up another friend of the time, finally got a name, finally remember a particular spelling, finally found them on a google image search (cyber stalking much?).
So then I was thinking about why the strong compulsion to reconnect. Particularly given my severe depressive episode this week. Looking for a friendly connection, a greater sense of belonging, a reminder that I am OK as a person? Looking for recognition of me, when I have been stuck into hating myself? Perhaps looking for a reminder that it’s possible to have an ok time of life, to enjoy just being with a good group of friends.
Rose coloured glasses! My quest notwithstanding, I know that depression was a big part of my life back then as well. Less understood, so not acknowledged at the time. But the more I gaze back into that past, the more I remember the negative feelings, the pain and the searching for comfort.
And right now, I really don’t want that sort of reminder. I easily slip into thought patterns of “why bother” with myself, and “life’s always been such a struggle – see how broken you are”. None of these are helpful. A little voice in the back of my mind says “none of those are true”.
It’s a daily struggle. Sometimes I can help myself. Sometimes I cannot. But one thing I am learning right in this very moment, is this. It is not easy, but it’s worth the fight. And it’s necessary to fight for what is valuable and important.
I don’t particularly feel those last adjectives in regards to myself, but it is being communicated to me through current friends. People I trust and love, people I am thankful for having in my life.
When the thoughts in my head drag me down into my lonely dark hole of depression, I trust these friends to hold my hand, to hang on tight and not let go, to pull me back into the light.
So maybe my dreaming was about rallying the troops. Gathering an army of support close around me. Because I need it.
I don’t know whether this is all for the biggest battle yet to come, or whether this is about everyday defences.
Either way, any way, it’s about protecting what matters.