I’m back. For a time, who knows how long. My creative energies have been wandering around and exploring Instagram for the past few months. But I feel the need to be back here now. Writing more. Less shiny, more gritty. Instagram will still be a regular hangout. I just want WordPress to be another regular hangout. Like the old days. Much has changed in my life. Much is being processed, still. Much is yet to solidify. And that is life, a journey. I’m feeling good about dropping by here again.
Why do I feel alone on my own?
Because I gain a great deal of energy from connecting with other people and I fell that I don’t get that on my own.
Why don’t I receive that connection on my own?
Because I feel inadequate with my own thoughts. There seems to be nothing to reinforce me, positively.
Why don’t I feel comfortable with myself in the quiet?
Historic uneasiness and Fear. Feeling trapped in the past even though I am moving forwards. There is an inner dark place that I am constantly running from and I am trying now to understand it now.
What is this inner dark place I am avoiding?
Self-hatred. Self-loathing. It is doubt of myself and feeling that I am inadequate.
Why do I feel inadequate?
Because I remember all the times I couldn’t do things, Couldn’t function, Couldn’t perform, Couldn’t work, Couldn’t please others, Couldn’t be liked.
And do you see that a lot of those “couldn’t”s are just assumptions about situations and prejudgements of the opinions of others?
Yes I see that. I want to walk away from that – pain – and yet it all feels so comfortable that I don’t want to leave.
What is the worst thing that could happen?
That I cannot function, that I am stuck in depression or frozen in fear. That nobody likes me, or loves me, or gives me attention. That I will be alone, all on my own with no-one to care for me.
Why do you need someone else to care for you?
Because Ive spent so long fighting to be noticed, that I’m exhausted and hurting and I don’t know what to do anymore to be happy.
What if I said that you don’t need others to be happy? And that you can love yourself and feel everything you need provided from within your heart?
I don’t believe that. Everyone is looking for someone to love and be loved by and they are unhappy when they don’t get that. I don’t want to be like them.
OK. This is big stuff. This is strong stuff. Powerful and unsettling and I understand that. But I want you to know that you are loved. By others and by me. These fears are real to you, but they are based on errors of judgement. There is a much more positive energy environment around you, if you can tap into that, you will see the more positive truth. I want you to focus on that, the more positive energy around you. Consider it, feel it, leave space for it to seep deep into your being and carry you to a more comfortable place of existence. This is already happening as you take in these words, let it continue. Let it be the only preoccupation for your mind. Let it shelter you from the dark places. Let it be your guiding light. A light of hope. A way of living that you will be proud of and comfortable with. For this is you. You are already this. Just let the cloudiness clear from your vision and see the truth of the awesomeness that your life is.
Photo scrolls up
A familiar style
Already I know it’s you
Hesitating to read
Your words draw me in
Carrying away to a new place
Not ready for this adventure
Turning off and tuning out
Your precious gift awaits
We will meet soon
When my time is right
[ I’ve been spending more time on instagram lately, sharing my shorter poetry with integrated visuals. It feels closer to what I’m striving for artistically. Feel free to join me there. And if you also put writing there, do let me know. I live for all your words. ]
I remember good times a lifetime ago. (Painful memories are there too, but I now see the importance of connecting positives within me.
I remember first loves, first touch, first kiss. Car sliding off-the-road down-the-embankment adventures with friends and knee-high-mud hikes through remote wilderness. The quizzical feel of unrequited love. The laughing easy fun of real friends around me, even though the new experience was confusing. The joyous sound & feeling of singing familiar songs. A-Capella blues improvisation on the rocks near the seashore. Feeling the chant of ancient community harmonies. Up all night talking, sitting on the side of a hill, then watching sunrise dawn on a new year. So many connecting in deep conversation moments. Special friends who may have loved you.
I know you. We shared life together. Then we never saw each other again.
I know you. The first time we met was a meeting of old soulmates. I know you. Our time grew over years. Now we share warmth, inspiration, crazy fun and laughter. I know you. A few years of friendship remains a glow within my heart, whether or not we see each other again. I know you. We have never shared the same physical space, but our connection is as real as the hugs we will give when we finally do. I know you. We have walked together, talked together. Cried, lied, and sat together.
And now, I have known you your whole life. Every day is a new journey and one day, this too, I will remember.
[ Inspired by the magical words of @urbansirenllc ]
It feels like the start of a new journey while tangled in the old one
It feels like mountain climbing and gliding down the other side in a bicycle
It feels like finding new friends and suddenly losing them again
It feels like every mistake I’ve ever made arriving at once
It feels like emotional exhaustion and fresh energy
It feels like new music and sad songs
It feels like missing meals and discovering a picnic in the garden
It feels like a new book and worn pages with turned corners
It feels like stormy winds and sunshine on my face
It feels like crying and receiving comfort from your best friend
It feels like anticipation and collapsing on the floor
It feels like fresh sheets and staying too long in bed
It feels like soft pillows and a comfy sofa
It feels like nerves before a great performance
It feels like a skin pamper and removing a splinter
It feels like brick walls and open doorways
It feels like colourful paintings and dusty old masters
It feels like lavishing attention on the cat and not being clawed
It feels like light at the end of the tunnel and minding your steps over the rocks and tracks
It feels like a triumphant fanfare over a steady drumbeat
It feels like your suggestion from last week suddenly sitting perfectly within my plans
It feels like decorating the Christmas tree and not minding the worn faded tinsel
It feels like looking at your own reflection and wanting to see where today might go
It feels like the texture of touching this sculpture and knowing it can never be moved
It feels like finally caring for yourself, no matter what happens.
I know that I seek perfection in life. I understand that is unrealistic, and sometimes I feel scared that I am destined to forever seek the unattainable.
But I know that as I remain grounded, my vision is clear, and I see the truth in life that is more important than a facade of perfection. I know that I seek the truth in people I become close to. I know that I seek truth within myself and that will always guide me to the important and realness that is life.
In this way I can trust myself. I feel brave and know that I will find, in each day, that which I need to enjoy life. Thus I remind myself, that I am enough, that I am all I need, that I am loved – within and without. My life is certainty and solidity because that is what I desire. My life is also adventure and unexpected because that is what I desire.
This feeds me strength and positivity, because this path forwards is already beneath my feet.
Pushing forward, through regret
Create my path of hope of joy
This pain around is life’s, not mine
To follow this heart will be my ploy
[ Woman Thinking – Etude. sketch by Frédéric Forest ]
Two Wine Haiku. Written at “The Wheaty” during Tasty Wine Walk #14 on Saturday night and presented to the assemblage in “The Deli” during dinner.
Pale golden nectar
Black bubbles from grape and vine
Wine crowd gathers close
Bulbous grapes glistening bright
Let’s get drunk tonight
Throw my heart into the wind
To see what lies of chaff blow away and what grains of truth remain.
Will you catch it?
Should my heart fall into the dust, as I collect it those specks will fill my eyes forming clouds of tears.
I write for my heart
For your heart
My words paint
When she sings to me