I Remember.

I remember times when just getting up out of bed
was foremost on my mind
and the biggest struggle of my day.
I remember times curled up with undiagnosed pain,
when I wanted to die,
when I hated myself for being this way.

I remember times when I could get up,
could get out of the house;
yet my head would spin,
and focus and comprehension were distant lands,
long journeys away.

I remember not crying through most of this,
because that felt like weakness when I needed to be strong.

I remember needing someone close to me,
needing someone to sit with me and be present.
Not to fix, not to suggest I am broken,
just to keep the loneliness at bay and
to bring positive energy into my day.

And I remember rarely receiving that.
I remember not having those people around me
and not knowing how to ask for it.

I remember alone, pain, hatred, depression,
and all the physical manifestations of a life in turmoil.

I remember Stars in the night. ✩
I remember pouring my heart into words,
flinging those words into the dark sky and
watching them match up with the results of others’ efforts.

I remember seeing out there;
words – with emotions,
that became faces, that
reached out to me, that
helped make sense out of it all.

I remember their souls
their energy, compassion, and love
some now faded, some drifted away,
some still flickering – as my light did for so long.

And I am blessed
to have lived through this all
to have been present through it all
and felt every fucking feeling that life has to offer.

Now…
I see this knowledge and understanding,
an integral part of me,
a gift I am able to share with others
As my light shines bright, once more,
for myself, and for those I connect with.

This life exists most wholly
with those whose paths cross mine
For minutes, or days, or months.
And in those moments I am brightest
in those moments I shine and
share the warmth that glows in my heart.

Sometime. (reblog)

I know you haven’t spoken to me in a while
and that’s because you’ve got things happening
and you just don’t feel that great sometimes
and when you remember me it’s not a good time to talk
I don’t mind.
I remember you
And if we could catch up I would drop everything
just to spend a little time with you
a reminder –
that even for the briefest of moments
life is bearable
And I would pray
that is enough for now
.

This is the second of three poems written on Sunday morning during a burst of inspiration. First published by me at:
Sometime.

When the world seemed against me

I moved through the pain.
When I thought the world
would collapse all about me,
It didn’t.
And all that came of it
Was my experience
And what I chose to feel
And remember.

I kept reminding myself
be present
Forget the past
Ignore an unknown future
This shall pass
This has no control over me

Now something’s happening
Shifting
subtly and significantly
My reactions are dropping
replaced by understanding
Calmer feelings
Considered responses

The verbal anger
Presents itself to me
as I stand amidst
the buffeting winds of emotion
Swaying but calm inside.
Whispering the storm
Calming and soothing
Steering it to a quiet rest
A change of tone
A smile