Extracted from that Bubbling Under The Surface.

Denying feelings
that scare me
because
they are painful
and scream out for life to be different –
Change
as scary as the feelings
Everything terrifying
immobilising
draining –
Fight
Pushing against these emotions
these beliefs
They are as real as the skin of my hands
that ball into fists
ready to –
Come to blows
Beat myself into submission
“Stop doing that!”
Useless retort.
This is what comes of feeling
don’t do it again
Please just leave me alone
I don’t have the strength
to endure much more
And I’d rather die alone
than in pain