Stockholm Syndrome.

This environment is my familiarity
My friend through long association
Warning intentions are long silenced
Pushed back and smothered by
seemingly real existence.

I have embraced my environment
in order to survive
in order to feel some comfort
when there was insufficient elsewhere
Now I cage myself in the familiar
And hope can only be expressed by others
The sweet syrup of darkness,
sticks and engulfs me
Your light is not bright enough to shine through.

(12 May 2016)

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Some Days, Some Hope.

I’m so weary
I just want to close my eyes and sleep
To wake up to a different time,
A different place,
Where all these worries have passed
Where I can start afresh and choose my own way
Instead of reacting and intervening in a messy existence
Many days, that is my only hope.

Still Lost.

I still feel lost
made a mistake at the beginning of this life
during a critical time
that forever changed me
often it feels as if the struggle has never ended
that the happy times are forever tainted

I still feel lost
there’s a parallel life just out of reach
the one where I am much happier
I can feel it so close
it’s translucent temporal barrier
taunts me

I still feel lost
having strayed even further from myself
trapped in darkness
can’t see, only feel
seeking the light of connection and contact
longing for realness

How it was

Those Saturday nights where the whole world is up or out doing something and it’s all you can do to not completely lose it, when you’d cry yourself to sleep except that it feels like the tears have also left you alone.

The darkness that threatens to take over, a certain craziness that seems perfectly normal at the time.

Every day you are changing, in such small ways that you won’t notice it now.  But it all adds up over time.  The smallest realisation or thought today, will mean something more to you, one day.

The ups and the downs are all the journey you are on.  Even though you wouldn’t choose this for yourself, you are moving somewhere better, one thought at a time.

My response to the post Textbook Living. by APARKS330