5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

I can sit
Immobile
And think
Or not
I can just be

Easy to sleep
Hard to move
Demotivation
From tiredness

But the day
Responsibilities
Call and push

Gentle energy
Move forwards

Just one step

.

(3 February 2015)

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Energy Rollercoaster.

Tiredness that overshadows
Any positives of the day
Exhaustion drags me down
I don’t want to participate
Somehow, a focus
Human interaction breaks through
And I feel normal
Because I don’t think
Just doing what I want to do
With friends and family
Welcome interference in my
Otherwise distressing state

Afterwards, the pull
I just want to shut down
And stop feeling
To sleep, or any other way
Close down my consciousness
End the pull
The heaviness that tries to crush me
The weight of awareness

(6 October 2014)

Life is a Battlefield.

Today is a big battlefield
Mid morning still
and fighting my way
to function
to move
to manage some office work

The physical and mental
versus me
Constant battling

I work so hard
to get to my desk
to think
to draw some lines
Challenging myself
to achieve
just a little bit more
than I thought capable
just minutes ago

I reach out in my pain
and struggle
And even though they aren’t here
encouragement is sent back
gentle support
positive
pride, in me
And humbled
I choose to shut out
the loud negative inner voice
wanting to curl up and sleep

The lone soldier
perhaps winning the war
Labelled a hero by others
Just doing what needs to be done
in the moment
caring little for himself
just for the job that he has been given
The job of surviving

Another Day.

Deep dark place
Don’t go, don’t go there
Giving up the race
Don’t go, don’t go there
Battling ever on
Be strong, be strong there
Can no longer carry on
Be strong, be strong there

Doubt all who I am
Don’t go, don’t go there
All I feel’s behind a dam
Don’t go, don’t go there
Head is lost in space
Come back, come back here
Nothing positive to embrace
Come back, come back here

When It All Deserts Me.

Awareness and observation
Slipping slowly falling down
What was light has become grey
Tomorrow grey will fade into darkness

I am both the observer and the object
Like a dream I cannot stop it
Walls rise up dulling all experience
Draining, immobilising, deflating

Only words are left
All other experiences desert me