I need to let it out, get it out, try and decompress all the build-up inside me.
A big part of today was spent helping organise my brother to find/decide on a new place to live. He’s been living with Mum for 6 years and she has sold the house to move into something smaller. Time was running short for my brother. He wasn’t coping with choices and decisions and on top of that we felt he was a suicide risk. Cousins K+B have helped a lot today, finding a friend with a rental flat that is vacant this week, offering to help with moving, background organising. Cousin B is exhausted with her own issues at the moment but she has helped all she can. My cousin’s anxiety, my brother’s anxiety, my own anxiety.
Just over a week ago, some important future planning/financial questions were posed by my partner and I realised in that moment that I couldn’t answer. That I actually couldn’t process the questions to begin to consider possible responses. I was filled with paralysing terror and anxiety – partly of the impact of the questions and partly because I realised I was incapable of dealing with it. I sort of broke mentally. I felt completely terrified, lost and flooded with self negativity as a result of it all.
I reached out to my Cousin B, and a couple close friends. They helped me through while I dealt with all these new unpleasant feelings. Recommendations to see my doctor and get a referral to somewhere that can help with counselling.
So after a long weekend waiting to get to see my local doctor, I am now on a new medication Desvenlafaxine. It’s been about 7 years since I have had to take any strong prescription drugs, and I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. But I understand that this is a way forward that works for many people and I hope it works well for me without significant side effects. There are a few unpleasant passing symptoms as levels build up in my body.
I will give this a go. I have experienced a severe anxiety episode, and it is a symptom of my current condition. I believe it is treatable and that in time I will feel better. I realise I am exhausted emotionally, mentally, physically. After all my ill-health experiences last year, prolonged testing and diagnosis, then my father being very ill and eventually passing away, and then dealing with his estate and helping his partner through initial grieving period this year. All this time putting myself out there, time and energy, giving to others, with little consideration for myself – that’s just who I am.
I realise tonight as I got home and just wanted to cry, that I need to give myself time to rest, recover. I need to just shut off the outside world and let the quietness reach into me. I need to find my own peace and not worry about others or even about myself. I just need to trust that I am doing the best I can for others and for myself.
So I haven’t been as active around here as I would have liked – energy levels have been severely limited. But I will not let that upset me. It is what it is. I have been focussing on me in a way that will move me forwards, in time, and maybe this was the only way that I would come to an understanding of what I needed to see about myself.
Thankyou for reading this. I know I may have missed some of your posts, but I trust that the important words will reach me one way or another. And I hope that you can also find what you need to see to move forwards. Whether that is an eye-opening realisation, a small glimpse of hope, or a little encouragement. And if you need help, if you can’t cope on your own, keep reaching out until someone responds.
Normal service will resume in time. Be well.