I Remember.

I remember times when just getting up out of bed
was foremost on my mind
and the biggest struggle of my day.
I remember times curled up with undiagnosed pain,
when I wanted to die,
when I hated myself for being this way.

I remember times when I could get up,
could get out of the house;
yet my head would spin,
and focus and comprehension were distant lands,
long journeys away.

I remember not crying through most of this,
because that felt like weakness when I needed to be strong.

I remember needing someone close to me,
needing someone to sit with me and be present.
Not to fix, not to suggest I am broken,
just to keep the loneliness at bay and
to bring positive energy into my day.

And I remember rarely receiving that.
I remember not having those people around me
and not knowing how to ask for it.

I remember alone, pain, hatred, depression,
and all the physical manifestations of a life in turmoil.

I remember Stars in the night. ✩
I remember pouring my heart into words,
flinging those words into the dark sky and
watching them match up with the results of others’ efforts.

I remember seeing out there;
words – with emotions,
that became faces, that
reached out to me, that
helped make sense out of it all.

I remember their souls
their energy, compassion, and love
some now faded, some drifted away,
some still flickering – as my light did for so long.

And I am blessed
to have lived through this all
to have been present through it all
and felt every fucking feeling that life has to offer.

Now…
I see this knowledge and understanding,
an integral part of me,
a gift I am able to share with others
As my light shines bright, once more,
for myself, and for those I connect with.

This life exists most wholly
with those whose paths cross mine
For minutes, or days, or months.
And in those moments I am brightest
in those moments I shine and
share the warmth that glows in my heart.

Advertisements

If I Write Tonight.

If I write tonight
Vile anger will spew
The past and the now
Will present themselves
In the darkest of cloaks
To openly revel in
My frustrations
And hallucinations
Of life
And love.
So
In preservation of sanity
And preventing my depravity
I withhold.
Take hold my direction
And guide introspection
To beneficial creation
Tonight’s dedication
Is to me.
Creating freedom
Is not my intent
But I am hell-bent
On improving my lot.
I am not,
letting habits destructive
Divert my directive
Of improving perspective
And building
A new way of thinking.
No sinking
If at all possible
Wherever I am capable
A force unstoppable
Will focus the light
On my heart
Keep it bright
For as long as required.
Now,
that I am tired
The words that inspired
Have fought their way forward
Found healthy location
My despair cessation
Thoughts open
To negotiation
No finalisation
Of this life
Yet.
There will be tomorrow
Appeasement or sorrow
I face it
Embrace it
This is all there is
All the moments
Are mine
And yours.
Let’s not waste
Let’s not haste
Let us just taste
The pure essence
Of our very presence
Where,
we can
Just
Be