Happy Sad.

I can’t face being sad
And letting others know
It just feels wrong, because
I want the world to be a brighter place
Not dragged down
By feelings like mine.
That’s what I learnt growing up
From the reactions
and actions of others
Well, my interpretation anyway.

I can’t face being sad
And not letting others know
It just feels wrong, because
dishonesty is not what I want to be
And hiding away my feelings
Just hurts – just hurts.
Pretending to be happy
never brought me to that state
Rather, making an effort to participate
Brought the energy that bears happiness.

I can’t face being sad
But I’m slowly learning
That what I feel and think
Is not always an accurate reflection
of a given situation
And more difficultly,
The imperative of unlearning
all the old lessons
That were so uneducatedly given.

I can’t face being sad
So one day I chose
To be vulnerable
And open up about my feelings
To a friend
Who showed me acceptance,
understanding and support
And now I am both unlearning
and learning at the same time.


[ this was sparked by Pooky’s Poetry Prompt 57 – Write a poem which explores how it feels to put a brave face on things; and every word is truth ]


It’s So Late. (third stanza added)

Forgetting to love
you, me, myself, I
gave up
wondering why
anyone would care
enough to try

but a moment
from the deepest well
drawing water
to quench thirst
not to dwell

And these are the conversations
That bind us
In meaning
Piercing dark shells
Revealing truth

Death in Two Parts.

Most of the time
I don’t feel anything good
that I used to
And no matter what I’ve tried
what we’ve both tried
I can’t get that back
Is there more we can do?
I’m just so tired of trying
and of being disappointed
Over and over
Energy levels and enthusiasm
have long ago drained
And all I can wonder is
Whether I’m even capable
of feeling those feelings any more
After everything
Is my heart just too broken
to ever be truly whole again?

Even illness
warping my mental state
releasing me
from the responsibility
of passing judgement
Gave no comfort
Only putting off
the foreboding feelings
something isn’t right.

Back on my feet again
Sleeping at night
instead of during the day
Managing work better
All the time feeling
this current relationship
is not what I can live with
is not what I want for my life
doesn’t inspire me
And that making do
with such compromise
is a shortcut to my death.

Will this kill me?
Will this kill you?
No, but there is a vast difference
between not being dead
and being truly alive.