Journey. 1

Each day this week I have made two steps forward, despite some individual step backs. I have defined a new positive framework for my thinking. And yet today I am aware of a distinct lack of self support or believable positive encouragement. It stands out in the midst of my otherwise positive focus. Exactly how do I find these words that I feel I need? Words that I never learnt as a child. Words that have been missing so much from my life. This morning my heart feels so empty, as a lonely sadness fills me.

Today I don’t remember. Today I want to rely on myself but find mostly emptiness instead.

(20 July 2016)

Breathless Reflection.

For a lifetime
I have been running away
from the pain
all the pain
hurt
sorrow
shame.
Now running out of breath
it can’t go on like this.
There is
some other way
away from the fear
( a way from the fear )
I hear
it calling my name.
Can I
catch my breath
and catch myself?
Find my way
my
way.

Feeling lost
is terrifying.

Eclipsing the Sun. (5,6,4)

Searching for a way
To describe how I feel
Words lose their place

Falling through the cracks
He couldn’t work out how
Words lose their place

There was a meaning
Love existed until
Words lose their place

Free to roam, they lived
While eclipsing the sun
Words lose their place

Now in the darkness
Words lost forever more
We lose our place

.

[a partial solar eclipse this afternoon upon the setting Autumn sun]

Some days – NaPoWriMo (reblog)

Chantelle’s words are in sync with my thoughts today, feeling lost and confused, but pushing on – somehow. Just what I needed to hear.

Soul Renderings

Some days the hardest part of pressing on

comes in learning to let go

learning to move on

to stop dwelling on what could have been

what should have been

or why

Some days the hardest part of finding myself

comes with learning that it’s okay to be lost

that life doesn’t make sense all the time

and that’s okay

it’s all part of the process

and what’s important

is that I continue

to try.

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Love. Music.

Dreamt I was lost
and looking for you
Hadn’t found you yet
Was listing my musical tastes
To encourage a clear
Appetite for love

AM radio pop music 70’s vintage
A heady dose of pioneering electronic artists from France and Germany
A sprinkle of 80’s computer game music with a pinch of 8 bit console tunes
Equal parts classical, Haydn, chamber music
and contemporary English football loving violin prodigy
Plenty of former Neighbours pop princess K
Swiss electro harpist
Canadian world dub
Quirky alternative rock/pop
Dance around to the myriad of 80’s pop
Dashes of the electronic varieties of progressive house, progressive rock
Some funky disco
and so much more

I love this
It’s part of who I am
Share this with me
I am waiting for you

Shattered.

Feeling broken. Can’t function properly, whatever that word means at the moment. Couldn’t get myself out of the house today. Tired, worn out, unwell. But more-so, battling the constant negativity that assails my thoughts. Vision clear enough to recognise their unreasonableness, but not to do anything more than barely manage to push them out for a time. Negativity about everything, feeling like a grumpy old man, but knowing the head is skewed. Memory has been rusty for so long, but can now barely recall what happened before last night’s sleep. Everything seems to take twice as long, including trying to feel better.

Existing through this in-between space.
Neither energetically happy nor suicidal.
Neither functioning artist nor pile of trash.
I know the extremes, and
I know this familiar place in the middle.
The scariness is that
I don’t know where I am going.
I’m a person, in pieces.
Fragmented and falling.
Won’t someone put me back together?
Match up the edges and find how they all go together again,
Make me whole.

shattered glass falling

Still Lost.

I still feel lost
made a mistake at the beginning of this life
during a critical time
that forever changed me
often it feels as if the struggle has never ended
that the happy times are forever tainted

I still feel lost
there’s a parallel life just out of reach
the one where I am much happier
I can feel it so close
it’s translucent temporal barrier
taunts me

I still feel lost
having strayed even further from myself
trapped in darkness
can’t see, only feel
seeking the light of connection and contact
longing for realness