Shattered.

Feeling broken. Can’t function properly, whatever that word means at the moment. Couldn’t get myself out of the house today. Tired, worn out, unwell. But more-so, battling the constant negativity that assails my thoughts. Vision clear enough to recognise their unreasonableness, but not to do anything more than barely manage to push them out for a time. Negativity about everything, feeling like a grumpy old man, but knowing the head is skewed. Memory has been rusty for so long, but can now barely recall what happened before last night’s sleep. Everything seems to take twice as long, including trying to feel better.

Existing through this in-between space.
Neither energetically happy nor suicidal.
Neither functioning artist nor pile of trash.
I know the extremes, and
I know this familiar place in the middle.
The scariness is that
I don’t know where I am going.
I’m a person, in pieces.
Fragmented and falling.
Won’t someone put me back together?
Match up the edges and find how they all go together again,
Make me whole.

shattered glass falling

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Yesterday’s Pain.

Just when
Life feels better again
Out of the blue
Pain comes through
Stomach twisting
Pain inflicting
But worse yet
What I wanted to forget
The memories
Of endless pain days
Drowning in
Pain recollection
A double hit
To abdomen and soft head bit
Physical turmoil
Strong emotional recoil
The anguish
The death wish
Helplessness
Confused mind a mess
All flooding
Over me suffocating
Hide away
In sleep, ’til new day
Drained, wasted
Such changes created
A delicate frame
All that remains

.
[actually Thursday/Friday, it took another day to get this pressed]