The Shame.

I feel guilt and shame
for being unhappy
while people around me
say they love me
and treat me decently
What is wrong with me?
How am I broken?
And how do you fix
an unknown problem?

I feel it sink into my stomach
and churn up nausea
Hitting me where it hurts
Physical pain
my most vulnerable spot
Autonomic Conversion

And I feel the retreat
Pull my barriers up
Close up, and
Just to feel
a little bit of safety
Weather the storm on my own
At least a few days
this journey will be
and many may notice
but not say anything
Select few
will ask me
“How are you?”
and I will open up
a small portal
just enough
to poke my face out
and explain
the pain
but never mentioning
the shame.


from processing all this
and the pain
Then guilt
For not functioning
For not working
For not earning
For not contributing enough
For leaning on others so much
For being a drain
For being an anchor
holding others back
For just


Pressure Squeeze.

I know this one too familiarly.
The urge to hide,
so strong,
Need to achieve,
in myself to believe,
nothing else will relieve,
this feeling of pressure
squeezing out of this
contracting bubble
and making something happen,
Will fighting against will.