Seeking Love.

Of Love and Loss

Learning to love myself
Learning to fully look after myself
Providing all the parenting I missed as a child
Protecting, comforting, reassuring, accepting
And loving me just as I am
Is what I need to do.
It’s so easy to think
I just need others to fulfil that for me
But then I will always be wanting, expecting
Being needy, maybe demanding of others.
I once wrote “I feel like I’ve never been loved”
That makes it difficult to love
Difficult to accept love
And sometimes I feel ashamed

(23 November 2015)

“For whatever reasons we can feel like we’ve never been looked after fully. We have to be our own parent, protecting, comforting, reassuring, accepting and loving us as we are. It’s not easy and the invitation to feel angry and hard done by is strong. Why do we have to do the hard work, especially if we are…

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Silver Linings – Day 17.

20150620-223340.jpg“Handyman”

I missed yesterday’s entry. There were silver linings that I brought to my attention, but I ran out of energy to put them down. I will allow myself to have a quick blog entry, they don’t all need to be long and in depth.

Today I paid attention to myself, to feed my soul, to thrive! This afternoon I went around to my Mums house to finish off some weather protection work that was mostly completed a few weeks ago. This photo is from then, sitting on the fence to fix the waterproof shade cloth to the underside of the carport roof.

Today was working in low light at the end of the day, so it was difficult to get any photos of the finished work. Yes I’m very handy. I can fix most things around the house. Heck I can even build a house myself these days. Mum always appreciates these handy jobs that she can’t manage, although she is quite capable herself as well.

I enjoy giving of my time to assist and make her life better. I enjoy spending time with her, working on something together. It feeds my soul.

“Mr Poppy”

And this little guy. Brightens up those nights when I’m sitting and reading or writing or watching a movie on my own.

Moments ago while I was writing, felt his nose nudge my foot that was dangling in the air. He wanted attention, he was just below me. He was probably thinking “Why wasn’t I giving him attention?” So I keep having to stop writing and stroke his head and back as he is settled down on a little carpet circle next to me.

Grateful for opportunities to be helpful for others, to spend time with my Mum, to connect with pets and share love.

Where There is Anxiety.

20140614-201415.jpg
I need to let it out, get it out, try and decompress all the build-up inside me.
A big part of today was spent helping organise my brother to find/decide on a new place to live. He’s been living with Mum for 6 years and she has sold the house to move into something smaller. Time was running short for my brother. He wasn’t coping with choices and decisions and on top of that we felt he was a suicide risk. Cousins K+B have helped a lot today, finding a friend with a rental flat that is vacant this week, offering to help with moving, background organising. Cousin B is exhausted with her own issues at the moment but she has helped all she can. My cousin’s anxiety, my brother’s anxiety, my own anxiety.

Just over a week ago, some important future planning/financial questions were posed by my partner and I realised in that moment that I couldn’t answer. That I actually couldn’t process the questions to begin to consider possible responses. I was filled with paralysing terror and anxiety – partly of the impact of the questions and partly because I realised I was incapable of dealing with it. I sort of broke mentally. I felt completely terrified, lost and flooded with self negativity as a result of it all.

I reached out to my Cousin B, and a couple close friends. They helped me through while I dealt with all these new unpleasant feelings. Recommendations to see my doctor and get a referral to somewhere that can help with counselling.

So after a long weekend waiting to get to see my local doctor, I am now on a new medication Desvenlafaxine. It’s been about 7 years since I have had to take any strong prescription drugs, and I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. But I understand that this is a way forward that works for many people and I hope it works well for me without significant side effects. There are a few unpleasant passing symptoms as levels build up in my body.

I will give this a go. I have experienced a severe anxiety episode, and it is a symptom of my current condition. I believe it is treatable and that in time I will feel better. I realise I am exhausted emotionally, mentally, physically. After all my ill-health experiences last year, prolonged testing and diagnosis, then my father being very ill and eventually passing away, and then dealing with his estate and helping his partner through initial grieving period this year. All this time putting myself out there, time and energy, giving to others, with little consideration for myself – that’s just who I am.

I realise tonight as I got home and just wanted to cry, that I need to give myself time to rest, recover. I need to just shut off the outside world and let the quietness reach into me. I need to find my own peace and not worry about others or even about myself. I just need to trust that I am doing the best I can for others and for myself.

So I haven’t been as active around here as I would have liked – energy levels have been severely limited. But I will not let that upset me. It is what it is. I have been focussing on me in a way that will move me forwards, in time, and maybe this was the only way that I would come to an understanding of what I needed to see about myself.

Thankyou for reading this. I know I may have missed some of your posts, but I trust that the important words will reach me one way or another. And I hope that you can also find what you need to see to move forwards. Whether that is an eye-opening realisation, a small glimpse of hope, or a little encouragement. And if you need help, if you can’t cope on your own, keep reaching out until someone responds.

Normal service will resume in time. Be well.