Wrong Way Go Back.

I’m tired of falling down, exhausted
Of not seeing progress around me
Of not feeling progress within me
I need help, and whom is there to ask
Who isn’t too busy or too unreliable?
And I’m unreliable, when my body decides
Today is too much
Overloaded and overstretched,
I snap back into a tight ball of
Misery. These undertakings that
I don’t have to do, but I want to,
I enjoy doing, and they ultimately
Are done for the best
And this is solely at home
Add paid employment into the mix, and
There are other needs, others’ needs,
My promises and paperwork
To keep it all working, and some days
I just can’t rise to the challenge
Some days I manage a few hours
And sme days I only manage myself
So it’s no wonder,
I constantly contemplate
My inner workings, my motivations
And finding no solid answers to stand upon
I stumble down into the rut
That catches my feet, that keeps me going
This way.

Regarding Grief.

I think I would cope better
If I felt more
If grief was sobbing tears,
stabs of pain,
or wrenching emotional pangs

Physical symptoms
Allow me to “be present”
acknowledge and experience them
While this mental induced
exhaustion and lethargy
is more of a hurdle
that gets higher
every time I approach it

Is the race over yet?
I’m ready to get back into life
Or am I still racing away
from something?

Marathon
hurdles
hundred metre sprint
and long jump
All rolled into one
one long event
No-one to pass the baton onto

The crowd cheered at the start
And will be there at the end
But along this bumpy section
this long and lonely road
Out in the rain
and the blistering heat
Only the keenest followers
lend their brief moments of support

The ends come
Grieving for what has passed
for a present without
and for a future
that will always be changed
This valid loss of mine
Permanent loss
means my life has forever altered
and I may need some time
getting to know myself
as a different person now

Now
Present
The gift of life
includes this grief
There will be something that I learn
perhaps my own strength
And whether I choose to talk
or write about it
Or find other ways or creativities
to express and process
this distress
Nothing will depress
the cause of my duress
It started with
and will always be remembered as
Love

.

[ Thoughts after a rough week of exhaustion and reading this link sent by my friend Charlie ]

Update.

Life is tiring.
The last 18 months and more has taken it’s toll.
My body is exhausted.
With that comes mental struggles.
I have people helping me.
Friends and professionals.
Lately it is not enough.
I am in emotional pain.
Distraught. Struggling.
I barely manage a few hours of functioning each day.
And I need daily time to write it all out of my head.
It’s the only way to survive.
I want to read your words.
I want to connect with your feelings.
Honestly. I long to connect with you all.
Please remember me.
As I remember you all. Daily.
I occasionally drop by your writings when able.
Otherwise please forgive my extended absence.
You are already missed.

I will keep posting my own journey below.
Please stay in touch.

Yesterday’s Pain.

Just when
Life feels better again
Out of the blue
Pain comes through
Stomach twisting
Pain inflicting
But worse yet
What I wanted to forget
The memories
Of endless pain days
Drowning in
Pain recollection
A double hit
To abdomen and soft head bit
Physical turmoil
Strong emotional recoil
The anguish
The death wish
Helplessness
Confused mind a mess
All flooding
Over me suffocating
Hide away
In sleep, ’til new day
Drained, wasted
Such changes created
A delicate frame
All that remains

.
[actually Thursday/Friday, it took another day to get this pressed]

Good Stress

I just listened to a great Ted talk during my lunch break and it is worthy of sharing with you all:

Here is the talk by Kelly, recommended viewing:
http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend.html

Here is a blog summary version:
http://blog.ted.com/2013/09/04/could-stress-be-good-for-you-recent-research-that-suggests-it-has-benefits/

And I will share with you my key points, consider these and make adjustments to your own beliefs:

Stress may only be bad for you, if you believe that to be the case.
See stress as your body rising to the challenge and equipping you to cope.

Chasing meaning is better for your health than trying to avoid discomfort.
(Go after what ever it is that creates meaning in your life, and then trust yourself to handle the stress that follows.)

Afternoon with Dad.

Spent the afternoon there
Watching him sitting
and asleep in the chair

Sometimes we spoke
A lot I just sat
Touching his arm

Watching limbs twitch
Seeing fingers shake
Feeling muscle spasm

Reclining the chair for him
then upright again
Moving pillows

Eyes open, words
don’t make sense
context confused

Clear question
I hear, but
is he confused?

Legs swollen
but face hollow
such contrast

Remembering him as before
Remembering him right now
Which memories will last?