Hidden Restriction.

The trouble with long term illness,
hidden illness,
is that you start to doubt yourself.
Continuous exposure to exhaustion
and loss of concentration,
makes being non-functional
become the norm.
Then when thinking about the future,
becoming particularly cautious
about what is manageable.
Underselling myself.
Setting me up
to under-perform
and later feel bad about
my level of accomplishment.

(28 June 2015)

Advertisements

What Got Me Through.

I want to get this emotion out of me
To express it through creativity
Need to clear these feelings to set me free
But can’t clear my head sufficiently

Struggling with exhaustion as soon as we left the party today, I emotionally & physically crashed when we arrived home. She tried to comfort me, reminding me that I’ve been through a few busy long days in a row. I know the continual exhaustion for over two weeks now has been wearing me down further and then pushing past all that to look after the invalid girl has been even more draining.

Trying to cry, choking on emotion, wet cheeks. She’s trying to comfort me. Overcome by such a heavy heart. Couldn’t write it out. Had to put music loud through my headphones to tune it all out. That worked and I slept lightly through an hour.
Only music got me through.

Still feeling such a heavy heart. Felt the need to be held in someone’s arms. She cradled my head on her lap. More waves of emotion. Trying to accept them, not to be overwrought by them. Repeating the support phrases from my therapist about feelings, not helping. Helpless. Feeling alone and unloved. Telling myself that’s not true – that it’s all lies told by my brain at the moment. Message still not getting in.

Then I channeled the energy of my close friends. I took their words, their love and their care, pulled in that energy into a moment and started speaking to my inner hurting self. With comfort and honour, with love and compassion, I was my best friend. The only person with the words to calm me, to help me feel loved and cared for, to be with me inside the stormy darkness and to pull me through it. I was left with exhaustion, but only exhaustion.
Only my friends got me through.

(25 January 2015)

Mixed Sensory Origami.

An imagined surreal life
Swirls before my closed eyes
Orange with textures
Blue with shapes
Emotions, feelings, thoughts
all twist and blend together
I no longer exist
As I separate and dissipate

My body is collapsed
Crumpled origami
I feel every purposeful crease
and unintentional bend
“Not this way” it cries out
But I am far beyond caring
Rather, relishing the peace
that immobility brings

20140909-144114.jpg
[ found this image by NguyenLuong to illustrate my poem ]

Reasons.

Most days
Strong need to cry
Not overwhelming –
But wondering why

Grief
Sadness
Anxiety
Depression
Fatigue
Any or all of these it could be
Brain asks “why?”
Well, does it matter?

(Historically speaking)
(automatically seeking)
(to identify the reason)
(then reach a conclusion)
(formulate a solution)

Old habits
Now irrelevant
New strategies to develop
If I could just get more rest…

(3 September 2014)