Dejected Beingness.

There is a suggestion
in my mind
that today I need contact

Need to feel connection
with other humans
to feel human

To feel
something
that contains life

Not that I feel empty,
I feel nothing

Actually, I feel so much
but it’s all negative
painful, and destructive

Failing to function today
Failing myself and others
When I cannot move,
Cannot talk,
Cannot bring concentration
together enough to
answer a simple question

My brain fails me
I fail at life
And isolation laughs at me
As heavy burden
crushes all that I am

What is left
seeks any relief
But in the impossibility
of that realisation
Dread drags me down

Saying that
“I don’t want to live”
“I am nothing but a burden”
Only scratches the surface
Of blackness engulfing me today

Anger has the solidity
of invisible water vapour
Tears are meaningless leaks
A frozen solid heart
both chills me, and burns me

Despair
My only companion.

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Growing Pains.

When feeling overwhelmed
I need to remind myself
That I am not a failure
nor falling apart,

That I am surviving
and growing
Even through the hurt.

I am learning about myself
and revealing
my hidden innerness

Discovering that which
was buried
under layers
of world misinterpretation

For this realisation
I thank my close friends
real friends
with their own pain and suffering
but always the most genuine love in their hearts.

.

[dedicated with thanks to my dear friend Lisa, for today’s deep discussion and encouragemt]