Rising to the Eagle’s Eyes.

[ This morning I wrote to clear my head, to clear what I could feel was building up inside. What came out was, in the end, somewhat surprising. ]

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What’s bothering me?
The return of old familiarities that are unpleasant and painful for me. Situations that I don’t know how to handle in any better way.

The last two evenings have started out fun, with energy and play between us, and suggestion of more serious fun later on. I have enjoyed that. But then after eating dinner, it seems too late, evening tiredness sets in, and you’re in bed falling asleep already.

I don’t want to wake you up when you so obviously need rest. I would like to see your enthusiasm in alluring play. I would like your seduction to hold my attention.
And I would like to be able to do the same for you, but that doesn’t seem possible.
So despite the touch and kisses you give me before leaving for work, I feel upset because there’s not really any promising sensuality. There’s not really any follow through on the suggestiveness that does exist.

I feel that my openness and expressing what I would like (to do) at times we are interacting has improved. But I am yet to see behaviour from you that is a solid response to my suggestion. I mostly witness only play.

I would like our relationship to be supportive, open & adventurous. And it seems my ideas on what that means are in a different level of energy than yours. When I push myself out into those spaces, I feel resistance and hesitance from you.

Am I being unrealistic? There are always personal needs, wants, and fantasy. Am I trying to make my fantasies reality? No. I am just trying to let who I am become real in our relationship. My sexual energy seems to be at a different level to yours, which so often seems to be the starting point of my uncomfortableness.

I hope you can understand this. It’s not about how much I love you. Its about what is driving the personality behind the face. It’s about our very cores and what defines us on a level that is usually invisible. And right now I’ve looked into myself and seen this all, seen the “big picture” of myself and for a change, I am comfortable with who I am.

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[ I didn’t expect to dig deep and come to such realisation at the end. I just wrote to clear out what I was feeling. But being honest with myself and attempting to stay honest with others has presented some valuable rewards of insight today. ]

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One Connection.

Connection
Knowing, understanding
You are a part of this world
Nature and the environment
are your parents and family
They want to communicate
and teach you the real meaning of life
Sometimes there are cultural traditions
and other times you must discover for yourself
How the world is you
And how you are the world
Indigenous Australians undertake
a journey tied to the land called “walkabout”
Strengthening their bond with ancestors
and the land intertwined with their life
Maybe we need to disconnect
From modern distractions, for a time
Discover a real self
A tie that connects us all together
To find or understand our place in it all
Perhaps the perspective will generate
Fresh focus, fresh energy
A clarity of what you mean
What you need, or what you need to do
Think about it
How would that help you?

(6 April 2015)

Trail Blazing.

A messy, beautiful journey
Self discovery
Finding what you like
What you are like.

Positive focus
Moving away from all the dislikes
Criticisms of self and others.

Training to disclose
The hidden desires
And obfuscated needs.

Who you want to be
Who you are now
Discovering and encouraging
All of you.

And you feel alone
Because this is your unique journey
But you remember that
You are never really alone.

So many are on this same course
So many have found their way
And others are about to start.

You see it, sense it, hear it
Paths cross with brief connections
But each link
Unlocks more of you.

There is so much more of you
So much to welcome and delight in
Open arms and warm heart
Will carry you on
Will complete you.

[ Thanks again to eledette for the words that inspired this ]

Starting Again.

Having days for clear thought
even if they are “sleepy on the couch days”
has been good for me.
“Not worrying about everything but just being”
lets my unconscious mind unravel what is important to me
And some of that has become clear to me today.

My relationship with her does not matter
In that,
it is not something to expend my energy thinking or worrying about
It is not something that can be fixed or broken with a simple action
It is not something I am in a position to make decisions about
because…

I am already on a journey of discovering myself
Small decisions made in the past already set this in motion
In the past year alone I have learnt a lot about who I am and what I want
I just needed to be clear-headed enough to see the progress.
Looking forwards,
I need to find more about what matters to me
and what exactly it is that I want.

I live for connection with others
I long for expressions of love
I am learning how to connect with and show love for myself.
These principles are core to my life.

It’s a start.
This is me.

(2 February 2015)

20150216-222643.jpg[ This Easter lily has flowered rather early in the back yard this year.]

Us Then Me.

I would like reassurance from you
when our interactions
don’t work out as planned
and I feel failure.

Add it to the list
of relationship actions
I ask of you
that are significant to me.

Those important factors
you frequently forget
until I raise them again
and you react with actioning.

It seems too much to ask
your remembrance and desire
to willingly fulfill me
as I do of you.

Maybe that’s just how you are
but I sense a holding back
restrained by fear, still
after twenty years together.

So I mourn the loss
a relationship that never quite
bloomed
as I would have liked.

Can I be comfortable with this
a compromise
or just acceptance, appreciation
to ease the days.

What is important to me
I am journeying to discover
being open to changes
realizing new states of being.

(6 February 2015)

A Snapshot Of Truth.

Am I trying to be someone that I’m not?

Expectations of how to be
a husband, a lover, a companion
None seem to fit the person I am now

Expectations on myself
about showing love, about feeling
None seem to fit the person I am now

Who I am is the person I am right now
When all my thoughts, desires, goals
seem at odds with a big part of my life

Am I lying to myself?

Where do I go from here?
Keep up a relationship pretence
Or honour my current confusion and direction?

As I attempt to find myself amongst the confusion
Finding myself fully
Would be the healthiest outcome possible

Leaving behind all expectations on myself
About relationships, about existing
Finding my truth is the goal

Everything is leading to this

Finding my truth is the only real way forward.

Tuesday Morning’s Thoughts.

Feeling strong emotions is exhausting for me. Or is it that I am exhausted when I start feeling strong emotions? I was going to use the adjective negative for my emotions, but really they are not necessarily so. Just my interpretation of the situation around feeling them is negative. So much is coming up, coming out, as I do this therapy homework. Today I suspect sometime (>20) years ago I started suppressing my strong feelings because I couldn’t deal with them or they were too painful.

Being critical of myself for feeling sad, letting that take me over, for being emotional exhausted and feeling unable to cope with it all. Rebut: I am coping with help from close people in my life. I am learning (something) through all this. I am surviving and becoming stronger, bolder, more caring in a less selfish way, because this is the way I am being treated by other(s). Even managing this rebut is an achievement to feel good about.

In some ways I cling to feeling miserable because despite the anguish, it affords me opportunity to connect with others in dealing with it. Therein lies the attraction that I hesitate to lose.

How do you feel about strong emotions?

How do you think I am going with this?

What coping advise can you provide?

Finding happiness.

Through all the difficulties
health nightmares
relationship struggles
I see a word

Happiness

Many times before
has it jumped up in front of me
glared at me
and dared me to be
So many ways to get there
have I read and heard

And now, just maybe
after all these years
It is creeping up on me
When I least expected to experience it
As my old life drops away
and a simpler me cries out

There is finally some space for it
Etched into my being
By the pain that I thought
was driving it away

20140903-231537.jpg

Growing Pains.

When feeling overwhelmed
I need to remind myself
That I am not a failure
nor falling apart,

That I am surviving
and growing
Even through the hurt.

I am learning about myself
and revealing
my hidden innerness

Discovering that which
was buried
under layers
of world misinterpretation

For this realisation
I thank my close friends
real friends
with their own pain and suffering
but always the most genuine love in their hearts.

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[dedicated with thanks to my dear friend Lisa, for today’s deep discussion and encouragemt]