I Remember.

I remember times when just getting up out of bed
was foremost on my mind
and the biggest struggle of my day.
I remember times curled up with undiagnosed pain,
when I wanted to die,
when I hated myself for being this way.

I remember times when I could get up,
could get out of the house;
yet my head would spin,
and focus and comprehension were distant lands,
long journeys away.

I remember not crying through most of this,
because that felt like weakness when I needed to be strong.

I remember needing someone close to me,
needing someone to sit with me and be present.
Not to fix, not to suggest I am broken,
just to keep the loneliness at bay and
to bring positive energy into my day.

And I remember rarely receiving that.
I remember not having those people around me
and not knowing how to ask for it.

I remember alone, pain, hatred, depression,
and all the physical manifestations of a life in turmoil.

I remember Stars in the night. ✩
I remember pouring my heart into words,
flinging those words into the dark sky and
watching them match up with the results of others’ efforts.

I remember seeing out there;
words – with emotions,
that became faces, that
reached out to me, that
helped make sense out of it all.

I remember their souls
their energy, compassion, and love
some now faded, some drifted away,
some still flickering – as my light did for so long.

And I am blessed
to have lived through this all
to have been present through it all
and felt every fucking feeling that life has to offer.

Now…
I see this knowledge and understanding,
an integral part of me,
a gift I am able to share with others
As my light shines bright, once more,
for myself, and for those I connect with.

This life exists most wholly
with those whose paths cross mine
For minutes, or days, or months.
And in those moments I am brightest
in those moments I shine and
share the warmth that glows in my heart.

Connection Questions.

Wondering right now
What’s it all about?
There were real connections
With real people today
The sort of moments that I adore
Because they come naturally
And lift you both up.
Later, in the evening
There was just me
Looking for more connection
More interaction
More meaning
Not finding it at home.
There were some brief conversations
Significant but too short
To impact on me
Then I was sharing my day
But when that was over
So the connection disappeared
I wanted that to stay
To continue and bear more fruit
But someone rolling over
And going to sleep
Seems as big a stop as there is.

(16 May 2015)

One Connection.

Connection
Knowing, understanding
You are a part of this world
Nature and the environment
are your parents and family
They want to communicate
and teach you the real meaning of life
Sometimes there are cultural traditions
and other times you must discover for yourself
How the world is you
And how you are the world
Indigenous Australians undertake
a journey tied to the land called “walkabout”
Strengthening their bond with ancestors
and the land intertwined with their life
Maybe we need to disconnect
From modern distractions, for a time
Discover a real self
A tie that connects us all together
To find or understand our place in it all
Perhaps the perspective will generate
Fresh focus, fresh energy
A clarity of what you mean
What you need, or what you need to do
Think about it
How would that help you?

(6 April 2015)

My Addiction?

Human beings are bonding animals
We need to connect and love
Short phrases, simple words
Are bids for connection
“Come engage with me about this”
Constantly searching for a response
even momentarily, for
a sign of interest and support
Will you turn toward me
with kindness and generosity
Or will your thoughts turn away
with unaware hostility
and leave me more alone for trying?
The key to happiness
is in your hands
in your answers
As your words follow your intentions
so will love follow our actions
Where that leads is up to us both
And if our focuses diverge,
communication cracks,
Then I grieve
For the loss, the death

.

“The opposite of addiction is human connection, It is disconnection that drives addiction “
.

Writing is my bid for connection
Likes are signs of interest,
recognition of me
Comments are engaging with me
Sharing thoughts on the posted theme
As I crave the connection my words propose
Yet as an incomplete person,
myself failing at bids and responses
Disconnections originate both here and there

Pain Of Loss.

Every time I think about my relationship with my partner
When I think about other couples interacting
in helpful and mutually supportive ways
My heart breaks
I feel the pain of loss
From the frustration
Of not receiving
Of not being able to give
Tiring from the lack of connection.

(11-12 February 2015)

[ originally posted at https://morevulnerability.wordpress.com/2015/02/13/230/ ]

Unable To Name.

Complicated emotional entanglements
I feel without really knowing why
Loose threads of event connections
Touch and spark synaptic reactions
Pull me sideways off the path
Into unknown territory of experience uncertainty

20140630-211540.jpg
[digital art by me, inspired by these words]