Today I don’t know what darkest days are
Today I am unaware of depression
Today I just don’t want to be
Focus stopped me from falling into the traffic
Focus guided my bicycle through backstreets to the office
Focus kept me moving when I would have just stopped
Today my head floats aimlessly, as work is lost to surviving
Today I gave up on caring
Today the world forgot about me
I want to get this emotion out of me
To express it through creativity
Need to clear these feelings to set me free
But can’t clear my head sufficiently
Struggling with exhaustion as soon as we left the party today, I emotionally & physically crashed when we arrived home. She tried to comfort me, reminding me that I’ve been through a few busy long days in a row. I know the continual exhaustion for over two weeks now has been wearing me down further and then pushing past all that to look after the invalid girl has been even more draining.
Trying to cry, choking on emotion, wet cheeks. She’s trying to comfort me. Overcome by such a heavy heart. Couldn’t write it out. Had to put music loud through my headphones to tune it all out. That worked and I slept lightly through an hour.
Only music got me through.
Still feeling such a heavy heart. Felt the need to be held in someone’s arms. She cradled my head on her lap. More waves of emotion. Trying to accept them, not to be overwrought by them. Repeating the support phrases from my therapist about feelings, not helping. Helpless. Feeling alone and unloved. Telling myself that’s not true – that it’s all lies told by my brain at the moment. Message still not getting in.
Then I channeled the energy of my close friends. I took their words, their love and their care, pulled in that energy into a moment and started speaking to my inner hurting self. With comfort and honour, with love and compassion, I was my best friend. The only person with the words to calm me, to help me feel loved and cared for, to be with me inside the stormy darkness and to pull me through it. I was left with exhaustion, but only exhaustion.
Only my friends got me through.
(25 January 2015)