A Letter from Inside the Struggle.

I don’t know who’s standards I’m trying to live up to. I just feel that 1½ productive hours in the office today is not enough, when I have jobs due to go out.

Maybe I am being hard on myself, I don’t know why that is so. I see it happening, but I can’t put together enough energy or thought to get past that observation. And so I feel helpless, or useless, or both. Maybe other people can find ways to switch their thoughts over to a more helpful, more positive direction. But for me Even a small amount of depression seems to make that an impossibility. 

Sometimes the best I can do is try and cope, try and get through whatever crisis or reaction is going on in my brain, try and survive to get to another day. 

What sort of messed up life is that? I don’t want to have that struggle every day with no end in sight. So often that is all I can see in front of me, and it’s not pretty. It’s not desirable in any way. It’s not something you want anyone else to have to feel or to go through. 

I could say I stand strong through it all, but that is nonsense. What I do is crumble, fall apart, and somehow just manage to not get washed away by the storm. The silent storm that nobody else sees, nobody else experiences. It leaves me wrecked and alone, locked inside my own head. 

And if I wasn’t able to express this all in words, I wouldn’t have survived thus far. 

Survival, how I hate that word. While it means life at the end, it also means the battle not to die. And I am so weary from battling. So drained from fighting, and for what? The chance to go through it all again? 

A vicious circle of perpetuation fills my sight tonight, as it does many other times. And seeing past, through, or around that to something else, seems beyond my present ability. 

So I thank you for listening, for thinking about what I say and for responding in a considerate manner that I truly appreciate. I apologise for my depression. I honestly wish there was some other way for me to be right now. And yet, here I am, in this unhappy place.

I hope you manage to be somewhere better.

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2 thoughts on “A Letter from Inside the Struggle.

  1. Depression is a long-standing marathon you’re never sure you’re finished. Even though I haven’t experienced symptoms of depression for a long time now, I still feel like it can creep back on me at any time if I’m not careful.
    I know “Hey-I-survived-through-it-and-so-can-you” stories aren’t always helpful, but I hope you can also see that you are doing well in your own struggles in your own little ways, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Never apologize for your depression, Pete, it’s not something you chose. As much as you don’t feel like you are making progress, by writing out your thoughts and feelings you are processing the difficult and confusing emotions that plague you right now – that IS progress. I know you’d like to get more than an hour and a half of work done but in your depressed state being able to work at all is HUGE! I am really proud of you and I know you will get through this darkness, I’ve seen you do it more than once before. Sending love and hugs, as always ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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