Neither Pride Nor Joy.

  
Sunday was survived. And anyone I choose to discuss this with would no doubt congratulate me, with understanding that to do so is not a failure in any way.

But I hold no pride, nor joy. Even though my focus for the day was solely on caring for myself, the pain of the struggle has taken it’s toll.

I feel wrecked from the push and pull of feelings. Exhausted, from the effort required to maintain a functional human form today. Lost, from the lack of any spiritual connection. And forgotten, from the missing physical contact that comes with closing myself away.

I don’t wish to isolate myself. Keeping in touch with others just consumes more energy than I feel capable of handling. While the influence of depression leads to numerous scenarios, real and imagined, that drag my emotions in disparate directions.

And it’s all shrouded in fear. Wondering if I won’t be able to function tomorrow, because I don’t just bounce back. Concern over the lasting impact the physical and emotional tolls take.

I’m tired of dealing with the crashed feelings. I don’t want to stay down there. The further struggle to pull myself back up is also draining. It creates more feelings of loneliness and exhaustion.

Mostly, I choose not to burden others with this. Because when they don’t understand and don’t know what to say, or how to respond to me, it breaks my heart that little bit more each time.

So many days, I sit here between hopelessness and helplessness. Afraid to move, afraid to aggravate one or the other. Feeling stuck; silent but conspicuous.

Survival is not my choice. It simply must be, no matter how I feel. And so, I mostly feel, little pride, little joy.

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2 thoughts on “Neither Pride Nor Joy.

  1. I connect deeply with what you’ve shared here, Pete, and feel as though I’ve failed you as your friend. I’m so sorry you are going through such harrowing times with the depression and know its effects all too w​ell. Let’s catch up soon. Sending love and hugs your way ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thankyou for sharing your connection, that means so much more than words can fathom. I don’t think you have failed me as a friend, if anything, I’ve failed to make the time to keep in touch. But time seems in short supply of late.
      While I spread my words around, in different forms, in different locations, you know where to find me. And that is something I share fully with few people.
      I will Try to write more, just for you, and just for me. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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