No actually, I’m terrified.
What if this is it?
What if my life is going to be – this complicated struggle – through the foreseeable future?
I see all the negatives so clearly.
I pass by the positive aspects of my life with a mere glance and they are forgotten. Overshadowed and overwhelmed by the crushing defeat of my failures.
Everyday life, is not.
Living mostly involves managing a small portion of what I used to be able to achieve.
Unknown ill health, exhaustion, reactions to food.
And the deteriorated mental state.
Medication seems to take an edge off the depression.
Leaving a space filling with – all this other negative emotional/physical/mental detritus.
Just finding the energy to get by, to deal with ALL OF THIS, leaves so little spare for love.
For others, and, ultimately for myself.
So as I contemplate another week of juggling energy – for work, to live – for myself, to keep going – and just maybe, something left for others – I feel … I feel too much.
I feel overwhelmed and unequipped.
I feel lost in the swirl of a life where people make demands of me everyday.
And more than anyone else, I make demands of me.
Urgings that sit uncomfortably with a body that seems to require the opposite.
Some days, making personal decisions feels like deciding the fate of the world.
Some days I just need to take time out, to find myself, to find that core of me around which I balance, and build outwards from there.
(15 March 2016)