Reminders of what had been
of complete fulfilment
now passed
now only haunting echoes
Her weakness was to love
fully and truly
to engage her whole self
in the moment of dreams
But reality is not the dream world
the cruelty of timing, of location
forever scratches its nails
across the blackboard of her memory
.
[ my response to eledette’s latest poetry, Besieged ]
42 Days Younger than Kylie 
I am, at this very moment, on a run. Running, running,running…taking it all out on pavement. Distracting my heart from overwhelming sadness. I stopped to read your reply to my post. And I cried. Not because your words hurt…but because you understand. This touched me deeply. Thank you
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Run. Run. Run for your heart. Run for the pounding beat and the clarity it brings. But run not from yourself. Run not from the pain, run to feed it through your veins. Run to burn it into your body, not to burn it up. Run to feel who you are, no matter what life brings. The strong runner. The fittest survivor. The warrior who takes the battle memories, and shapes the pain into weapons and armour. To protect your precious heart. An investment on insurance for the future, the greatest gift to yourself.
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When the words run out
when a lexicon is depleted
you attack the sadness with movement
with distraction
with the chemicals of activity
the strictness of exercise
and I wonder what you feel
after the pulse has slowed
after the perspiration dries
after muscles declare their weariness
I wonder
when does the mind rest
when does the brain forget the pain
when does it stop
the churning and twisting your insides?
I contemplate
for my own sanity
for any chance of surviving
the next daymare
the next debilitating attack
of silent criticism and dark terror
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Sometimes life brings you sanity and motivation to keep fighting through the words of others…just when I am in my darkest moment, you write these words. And they churn deep inside me. I run to stay strong. When I run, it is my only moments of pure clarity. My mind is at ease because my body is in control. And when I return home, and the endorphins wear off…the sadness returns to remind me that running is a temporary reprieve from the truth.
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My thoughts were running along with you
under the mis-representation
that activities which temporarily
distract you and me both
which offer reprieve
from the pain and the sadness
were a bad thing
keeping us away from the truth
My belief that only
the toughest emotions were real
that only suffering was worthwhile
Until I realised tonight
coming back to the pain
however much it remains
is not the point of the truth
The truth is that you can get away
you can find reprieve
no matter how short
you can find the clarity
to be yourself, to be
everything that you are
alive fully in the moment
The truth is all you feel
the lows and the highs
the truth is that you can move yourself
into the light from the dark
The truth is that you can choose
(not that we chose for only a short time)
The truth is this moment
right now
you and I are the truth
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How true your words are! And how easy it would be to just give in to the pain and the suffering. So easy…and so tempting. But whenever I feel the temptation to surrender, I choose (as you say) to “move myself into the light from the dark”. Because even though the reality of pain is undeniably strong, I am stronger. You are stronger. And although the reprieve is temporary, it brings with it the gift of clarity and peace and self-determination. And I refuse to give up on myself. I refuse to give up on happiness. Even if that means I find fleeting moments of happiness on a solitary run in my own moment of truth.
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